Venting Welp.

[goodbye-to-a-world]

I was already having a shitty day today. Nothing crazy, just my brain being my brain. But just now my mom called me into her room randomly. She's watching Wife Swap and decided it was a good "gotcha" moment, I guess. The swapped wife and dad were confronting their daughter about being behind in school (apparently the mom knew but the dad didn't) and as the conversation goes on the daughter checks out and says "I'm uncomfortable and don't want to have this conversation". That's what she wanted me to see. "Oh well you always say that too so how do you feel about her saying that" I don't care??? Like why would I care, what's that supposed to do for me? I don't know her and it's a moment on a TV show. "Oh come on you have an opinion on it" ...no not really. My opinion is I don't care! Anyway basically I tell her as such and she gets upset and is like "well if I died tomorrow you'll be homeless what are you gonna do since your aunt can't take care of you" and here's where I may have fucked up, but I was being honest. I said if that happened I'd just kill myself and she really didn't like that answer. She was like "all the things I went through to bring you into this world your life is precious and you'd do that to me?" And I was like "...well you'd be dead, so..." Like if you want me to lie then just say that but if you think I'm lying (when I'm not) you get mad but if I'm honest then you still get mad like I'm sorry I can't tell you what you wanna hear and I'm even sorrier I can't just end it and be done with this shit. We're both tired of each other and one of us clearly wants to be here more than the other so what's wrong with that? She says I'm gonna kill her because she's so worried about me so then just let me end it??? No worries anymore.

I'm exhausted. I'm a piece of shit I know. I just don't wanna be here anymore.

 

[Dreamwalker]

Shaming your child about having boundaries, through a garbo tv show like wife swap no less, is not a great way to show your worry. I'm sorry this is happening to you !!

 

[doomedbynarrative]

I'm sorry your mother was like this. Idk what it is about the older generations and thinking that insulting their children will fix things. They call it tough love or "preparing us for the world" but all it does is break people down. My mother is the same way. She and a lot of her generation can't do affection or gentleness or unconditional love very well.

 

[violetforever]

just reading this stressed me out because it sounds exactly like my family. these stupid little interactions seem like nothing to other people but i swear they add up and drive me insane. sorry you have to deal with this as well.

They call it tough love or "preparing us for the world" but all it does is break people down.

if i ever have to hear the words "tough love" again i'll jump lol. my grandpas favorite line. who does our family expect us to turn to for comfort when they treat us this way and know the world isn't any nicer?

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel like any adult watching a show called "wife swap" doesn't get to judge their children for making poor decisions with impunity. Everything I've read about that show tells me more about the person watching it than anyone they would want to judge.

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

I'm sorry your mother was like this. Idk what it is about the older generations and thinking that insulting their children will fix things. They call it tough love or "preparing us for the world" but all it does is break people down. My mother is the same way. She and a lot of her generation can't do affection or gentleness or unconditional love very well.

just reading this stressed me out because it sounds exactly like my family. these stupid little interactions seem like nothing to other people but i swear they add up and drive me insane. sorry you have to deal with this as well.

if i ever have to hear the words "tough love" again i'll jump lol. my grandpas favorite line. who does our family expect us to turn to for comfort when they treat us this way and know the world isn't any nicer?

My mom has said multiple times that she's been "too nice" to me. She loves to throw out that she's "failed" me a lot and every time I'm just like "wow thanks, that sure makes me want to keep living!"

Being human is just so difficult for me right now. I'm not adjusting to adulthood well and everyone else my age seems like they have their shit together (or at least have some semblance of independence) and my own mental struggles on top of everything going on right now everything just seems so bleak and worthless. I'm not fighting in the same world she was. And I think she just doesn't get how my autism makes me see and react to things. She kept hitting me too while she was going off on me and told me never to ask her for anything again, only to come in my room minutes later and ask if I needed anything. I also found out she'd recently threatened to kick me out twice because of my "attitude" (which is just her brain damage making her irritable and her casting own personal insecurities towards me into everything I say).

I'm so desperate to leave but she's signing me up to be her paid caregiver... I don't want to but I've been trying so hard to get work and I need some kind of income, but I feel like this will trap me even more. Idk what to do. I have nothing... I'm so tired. And I still care and worry about her. I'm just so stuck.