Inferdan
Meeting the first minor relapse after recovery
- Nov 3, 2019
- 450
Hey there. Remember me? The one saying I had "set my path" and "not going to change"? Well, I've been giving life another shot. I watched something around a week ago that reminded me of a perspective on life that I had forgotten, and taking that, I've managed to make some sort of a comeback, though, as I had said, it has gotten much harder in ways I had and not thought (in case you're wondering what it was I had watched, it was the game "Night In The Woods". Was sitting, bored, night before ctb, and was just looking at random things to pass the time. Always wanted to see it, so I did, and ended up taking away the message 'Shit happens, move on'. Now, I know that won't apply to people here, but I guess partly SI, partly hidden hope, I grasped that and set to go forward again).
Now to deal with the rubble and ruins of my life. I'm different, I can tell. If I mess up or if my actions and words unintentionally hurt others (whether because I get annoyed/angered, or because I say something that hurts another), I end up pushing some people away without wanting to. Things have never been worse between me and my family. It's like they're a reminder of the past, and I don't want that. I feel hated by them, despite them trying to help me, though I know things won't ever change, with the father I have, the brother I have, the mother I have, how I am...the instability between us all is obvious. We've had intense arguments the past few weeks, and it's just getting worse. I think it's best if we just go our separate ways. It's better for everyone.
I'm trying to talk to friends again, but I feel like being alone more than being with others. I have no idea where to start with schoolwork, and already being behind, and failing every subject last term due to my decline, it's hard to put effort into it. At least I'm cleaning things more, just need to start eating more and better.
Another thing: I'm being moved out of this transitional housing, finally, and back to the shelter for 3 months, and then at long last, being moved into my own place. Sure, it's uni accomodation, but it's the best it'll get. At least I don't have to take care of another person's mess now.
To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing right now, and now that the urge to do things has subsided (definitely SI, then), I'm doing what I can to keep my head above water. Everything is harder, and it hurts, but this isn't something that can't be dealt with, so I'm going to try. Because if I don't, why did I suffer all my life? To give up? No, if I die, I die trying. I was close, but I haven't broken yet. Fuck everything hating me and toying with me, I'm going to prove it all wrong. Time to get shit done.
Now to deal with the rubble and ruins of my life. I'm different, I can tell. If I mess up or if my actions and words unintentionally hurt others (whether because I get annoyed/angered, or because I say something that hurts another), I end up pushing some people away without wanting to. Things have never been worse between me and my family. It's like they're a reminder of the past, and I don't want that. I feel hated by them, despite them trying to help me, though I know things won't ever change, with the father I have, the brother I have, the mother I have, how I am...the instability between us all is obvious. We've had intense arguments the past few weeks, and it's just getting worse. I think it's best if we just go our separate ways. It's better for everyone.
I'm trying to talk to friends again, but I feel like being alone more than being with others. I have no idea where to start with schoolwork, and already being behind, and failing every subject last term due to my decline, it's hard to put effort into it. At least I'm cleaning things more, just need to start eating more and better.
Another thing: I'm being moved out of this transitional housing, finally, and back to the shelter for 3 months, and then at long last, being moved into my own place. Sure, it's uni accomodation, but it's the best it'll get. At least I don't have to take care of another person's mess now.
To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing right now, and now that the urge to do things has subsided (definitely SI, then), I'm doing what I can to keep my head above water. Everything is harder, and it hurts, but this isn't something that can't be dealt with, so I'm going to try. Because if I don't, why did I suffer all my life? To give up? No, if I die, I die trying. I was close, but I haven't broken yet. Fuck everything hating me and toying with me, I'm going to prove it all wrong. Time to get shit done.
