Story Well the plan is planned out and my wishes have been printed.

[kittycat23]

So, I finally came to a decision after months of lurking through this website before finally making an account, reading all I can read. I finally made a decision on my method. I'm going to use SN.
I've typed out my plan, and typed out my wishes and printed it, hiding it for safe keeping until time. But I guess it's time to start writing in my journal. I'll write in it from now until I do it, which will likely be anywhere from December 31st 2023 to Mid February 2024. I haven't decided yet. But it's soon. I'll continue to post, message in chats, and reply. I'll make a goodbye post when I'm setting it all up.

 

[cryvinglightning]

keep yourself safe until the time comes. i hope things get a bit better for you.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Same.
Working on my suicide note, and hoping to go sometime the end of this year.

 

[kittycat23]

keep yourself safe until the time comes. i hope things get a bit better for you.

I'm praying things look up to, maybe I won't do it but from the looks of everything, life just is continuing to get worse.

Same.
Working on my suicide note, and hoping to go sometime the end of this year.

I have to keep mine more hidden. My brother find my last one back in June.

 

[SVEN]

Best wishes in it all coming together.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that when the time feels right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.

 

[kittycat23]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that when the time feels right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.

I hate that it has to come to this, this feeling, this grief, pain, sadness. I'm drowning. No one sees it. I reach out; no one listens. I try to breathe, and something pulls me under. This forum is the only place that makes me feel understood and heard.

 

[theblackdahlia8]

I hate that it has to come to this, this feeling, this grief, pain, sadness. I'm drowning. No one sees it. I reach out; no one listens. I try to breathe, and something pulls me under. This forum is the only place that makes me feel understood and heard.

I know exactly how you feel. No one seems to understand who aren't going through this pain. I am here is you need to talk. I am currently giving Zoloft and therapy a try before my note and ctb.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I feel the same way. I've written one in my journal and I recorded several videos. I'll be writing one final letter listing my wishes. Best of luck to you.

 

[theblackdahlia8]

I feel the same way. I've written one in my journal and I recorded several videos. I'll be writing one final letter listing my wishes. Best of luck to you.

Yeah have most of my note and wishes written in my head, just haven't put on paper yet. I am trying to have some hope to get better but idk. What is have lost and the pain I struggle with everyday it is a wonder I haven't gone through with ctb before. Last xmas I was close but I had an uncle that ctb's days after xmas, it jolted me out of it for a while.

 

[Amyend88]

I wish you well with your plans kittykat. CTB does indeed require a lot of thought and planning.

 

[kittycat23]

Yeah have most of my note and wishes written in my head, just haven't put on paper yet. I am trying to have some hope to get better but idk. What is have lost and the pain I struggle with everyday it is a wonder I haven't gone through with ctb before. Last xmas I was close but I had an uncle that ctb's days after xmas, it jolted me out of it for a while.

I've always been suicidal. But nothing brought me to it until right now. First time I ever was, I was 18; I had gathered all kinds of pills I could find, put some matches in there along with some cigarettes to smoke whilst dying. But my sibling found them and I had to lie and say they weren't mine. Second time, I was 21. My family and I became homeless living from hotel to hotel; barely affording food, etc. I was dead set, I had written out the notes and such, but didn't have a plan really, I didn't have a method planned out. but I decided against that, I could make it through. Then again in 2022, I had shaved my hair, and tried cleansing my self and nothing worked, I felt myself going deeper and deeper. I once again, began writing my letters and trying to pray the pain away; nothing worked. But somehow I began to hope again. But again in June 2023, this was my darkest time. I relapsed in self harm after being clean for 5 years, horribly I was cutting everyday. It was the only release to move the pain somewhere else. That's when I discovered this website. That's when I began researching ways, learning about SN and partial hanging, etc. but then I got scared because I was close to doing it. I had kept thinking I want to cut my wrists, over and over again. So I reached out for help, wanted to get a psych evaluation, and they decided that I didn't need a psychiatric hold and sent me home. From that day on, I've been clean from self harm (cutting) and I was doing better as I was put on Zoloft, then Zoloft wasn't helping. Then I began Wellbutrin, and that's not helping either. The urges are worse and the suicidal thoughts are worse. I honestly think I'll go through with it

I wish you well with your plans kittykat. CTB does indeed require a lot of thought and planning.

A part of me feels like I've been planning this since I was 18.