megafire
burn it down
- Oct 12, 2020
- 89
After losing my job, my relationship, and an Incident occurring within two weeks, I realized that I was stuck in a loop and the only way out was through; rather than continuously fantasize about dying and never acting on it, and in the process keep worrying my family and never getting anywhere in life, I would just- do it. So I organized myself.
I brought my cat to my parents, stayed a few nights, went out on the pretense of going to my apartment to get her more food and instead went shopping. I purchased rope, a knife, laxatives (I didn't want to shit myself as I was dying, how embarrassing), whisky, 3 bouquets of flowers, and 5 envelopes. I went back to my apartment, showered, put on my Dying Dress and did my makeup.
It really was perfect timing because there was a massive winter storm moving through and I could justify myself not returning as it being too snowy to be on the road. I found a decent hotel, not too expensive but clean and neat, and set myself up. I bought a burger and some wings as a last meal, it was pretty damn good. I planned to do a partial hanging from the closet, with 5 suicide notes addressed to different people on the table, stamped and ready to be posted. They included: my family, my brother, my ex-boyfriend, two coworkers from my old job, and my psychiatrist. I wrote out a Final Will and left it close. Put the "DO NOT ENTER, SUICIDE INSIDE" note on the door, and prepared myself. I had put flowers in my hair and all over the hotel room. In short, it was the perfect way to go.
I guess I put too much slack on the rope, because I would try hanging there, for minutes, only coughing and struggling to breathe but no "quick knockout" that was promised. I tried at least 4 times. I cut my arm, that didn't do shit either. I guess I should've expected that. I really did think the hanging was going to work though, but it was taking too long and believe it or not, but asphyxiation is really uncomfortable!
So I failed but the will is still there. I'm pretty angry at myself because I had the perfect opportunity and just like always, I mucked it all up. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I try living again? Go with a different method? I don't have endless amounts of cash to be spending on suicide attempts, I was really expecting this one to work, that's why I did all the theatrics. Goddammit.
I brought my cat to my parents, stayed a few nights, went out on the pretense of going to my apartment to get her more food and instead went shopping. I purchased rope, a knife, laxatives (I didn't want to shit myself as I was dying, how embarrassing), whisky, 3 bouquets of flowers, and 5 envelopes. I went back to my apartment, showered, put on my Dying Dress and did my makeup.
It really was perfect timing because there was a massive winter storm moving through and I could justify myself not returning as it being too snowy to be on the road. I found a decent hotel, not too expensive but clean and neat, and set myself up. I bought a burger and some wings as a last meal, it was pretty damn good. I planned to do a partial hanging from the closet, with 5 suicide notes addressed to different people on the table, stamped and ready to be posted. They included: my family, my brother, my ex-boyfriend, two coworkers from my old job, and my psychiatrist. I wrote out a Final Will and left it close. Put the "DO NOT ENTER, SUICIDE INSIDE" note on the door, and prepared myself. I had put flowers in my hair and all over the hotel room. In short, it was the perfect way to go.
I guess I put too much slack on the rope, because I would try hanging there, for minutes, only coughing and struggling to breathe but no "quick knockout" that was promised. I tried at least 4 times. I cut my arm, that didn't do shit either. I guess I should've expected that. I really did think the hanging was going to work though, but it was taking too long and believe it or not, but asphyxiation is really uncomfortable!
So I failed but the will is still there. I'm pretty angry at myself because I had the perfect opportunity and just like always, I mucked it all up. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I try living again? Go with a different method? I don't have endless amounts of cash to be spending on suicide attempts, I was really expecting this one to work, that's why I did all the theatrics. Goddammit.
