animism
at least I tried.
- Apr 15, 2023
- 18
I'm at a "ready for love and ready to go" stage I guess. I'm going to hit the road soon, just my backpack and my dog and my guitar but I'm not confident that I'll make it out there this time. I've walked a lot of this country, aimless, but then I was ready for an adventure. "To a more beautiful life! To new memories!" But this time I just want to find a quiet hole I can crawl into and die like animals do. I'm too tired to keep walking really, I have nowhere I want to be and I have no one to come "home" to. I just saw a tiktok of a man buying bunch of roses for people in nursing homes and it has over 3 million likes and all I could think was how much I want to die. I don't want to see more. I don't care if I experience more. I dont want that to be me, old and sickly and still alone. Like it would be nice to be in a place I could comfortably go but like being under an abandoned bridge feels the closest to my heart.
I'm trying to spead love to those around me, I don't want them to be concerned, im trying to be a friend that they need and I think I tricked most people now and it would be one of the "oh we didn't see that coming" I mean I've always veen vocal about my depression and I make a lot of cold hearted jokes because thinking of suicide is just so natural to me and it's my everyday thought but I do try to limit talking about it because it makes people uncomfortable but right now in this moment people think I'm "stronger than ever" because they said that so I do have them fooled and them not suspecting anything feels nice because they don't need this.
I just spent some time on faces of suicide again and as I was looking at their photos I felt them here with me. They're the only ones that truly understand and really I'm excited to meet them, all the ones who actually committed and finally not feel alone anymore. I'm almost ready to go home.
I'm trying to spead love to those around me, I don't want them to be concerned, im trying to be a friend that they need and I think I tricked most people now and it would be one of the "oh we didn't see that coming" I mean I've always veen vocal about my depression and I make a lot of cold hearted jokes because thinking of suicide is just so natural to me and it's my everyday thought but I do try to limit talking about it because it makes people uncomfortable but right now in this moment people think I'm "stronger than ever" because they said that so I do have them fooled and them not suspecting anything feels nice because they don't need this.
I just spent some time on faces of suicide again and as I was looking at their photos I felt them here with me. They're the only ones that truly understand and really I'm excited to meet them, all the ones who actually committed and finally not feel alone anymore. I'm almost ready to go home.
