Venting Well I thought it was a vent about cutting. Turned into about emotions

[Life_and_Death]

Recovery......suicide.... Meh I'll just put it here XD

Anyway, I told my friend that I'm probably not going to cut anymore. Truth. I wasn't trying hide that I am or anything.

I asked him, IF I start cutting again do you want to know. I told him that I'd rather not however it feels dishonest not to and I've already fucked up enough.

"whatever you want to do" and he's fine with me not telling him.

Part of me say "YES! DO IT!", part of me feels like shit. I'm trying to relax, just don't worry about it. If you do you do.

I love being pulled in different directions and getting stressed out. "idc if you cut" omg what do I do. It seems stupid. A free pass. Having someone that won't freak out.

Clear sign of a personality disorder? Someone else would just go the direction they want.

Overthinking? Yes, I do this. I over think everything to the point I can see a few minutes into the future. They say think before you act BUT DONT!! I hate it and I can't make it stop. And if I ignore it... "yep you knew better. You knew that was going to happen. Why didn't you listen to me? You fucked up". Voices, ugh.

Emotions are so stupid. And this is just one problem I'm dealing with. I also have a more personal one I'm banging my head off a wall figurativily over and the other one where I might go home, which might sound like a good thing but no... Because my life needs confusion and complication. (which I've also lowered the amount I eat, feeling like I don't deserve to. Wasting his money so I can say f you. Fuck me)

Easy way out HA!! Let me pull you in several different directions and then see how you like it. Not to mention the hallucinations and dissociation, self hate, ect. What's easy is being alone. Fuck humans all they do is agitate my damn problems (please don't take it personally, even the humans I mean specifically like my husband. Totally no offense it's just easier to not)*

*when interacting with a human it's going to come with an emotion. You're going to hate them, love them, distrust them. How ever you feel about them. And then there's a whole twist of emotions and its just easier to not)

 

[Bat 17]

Woah my mind is spinning. I think I've just been in your head for a few seconds and now I need to lie down

What did your friend mean by "whatever you want to do". Does he know that if he tried to talk you out of cutting or distract you it wouldn't work?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Woah my mind is spinning. I think I've just been in your head for a few seconds and now I need to lie down

Sorry?

What did your friend mean by "whatever you want to do".

That I didn't ask. I didn't want to know. He could have meant she's gonna do what she wants anyway. Or you're your own person you can do what you want. Or maybe he doesn't care (although I can't see it however fear it)

Does he know that if he tried to talk you out of cutting or distract you it wouldn't work?

I'm not sure although if I had to guess. He probably thinks the lack of attention on the subject is best. If I don't give her attention that she's doing it then she won't do it. (and he's about 80% accurate if I'm honest) when we were in highschool I'd play with my sleeve and he would give me attention... Until one day he stopped and so did i.

 

[Bat 17]

Sorry?

It was kind of a maelstrom of emotion, and potential, and destruction, a love triangle, hurt, love, anger, pain....and then the fog cleared and I got an urge to stroke some kitties and start baking.

If I don't give her attention that she's doing it then she won't do it. (and he's about 80% accurate if I'm honest) when we were in highschool I'd play with my sleeve and he would give me attention... Until one day he stopped and so did i.

Somehow that's a really sweet image to me. You both care for each other so much. And there's a cat and mouse element that keeps it burning

 

[Life_and_Death]

It was kind of a maelstrom of emotion, and potential, and destruction, a love triangle, hurt, love, anger, pain....and then the fog cleared and I got an urge to stroke some kitties and start baking.

Yep that sounds exactly like me lol

You both care for each other so much. And there's a cat and mouse

I personally find it interesting that to show he cares he basically has to stop caring lol