I understand.
I went no contact for 5.5 years but suffered multiple job losses and financial struggles (including multiple stints couchsurfing and being actually homeless). I had to return here or to the streets a few months ago. It's always embarrassing to say because I have a college degree and debt and feel like a complete failure. I struggle with C-PSTD from the abuse and the complexities of poverty and low self worth from same.
This place is as invalidating and cold as it was 20 years ago when I graduated high school.
As for advice, if you're interested: FInd safe places outside the house for escape that are ideally walking distance or along the bus routes.
Go there often. Even before you feel provoked.
I cope with food but cannot afford to eat much anymore. Your coping mechanism(s) will probably be on overdrive. Indulge if you need to and if you can. They might not be as healthy as some people's but they will keep you alive (assuming you want that).
College is valuable, I think, especially for those of us with trauma backgrounds. It helps us become independent and learn to individuate in the way we could never with in our trauma environments. But it's expensive. College can also be isolating. Almost no one is making you attend meetups and clubs, and so your tendencies to retreat into yourself might be trigger automatically. However, being away from that damagung environment is the crucial first step. College is helpful because it gives you some structure and a place to be in the meantime. Use those years to figure out how to never return. I didn't do that. I was an international student in the U.S. Only a tiny number of us stay passed the end of our student visas, and many of them are women who have found American husbands there. I never expected to be among that number.
My degree is virtually useless where I am (outside the U.S.). I'd say take at most a few months to recalibrate anr prepare and then return to college for a degree in IT, compsci, informatjon security, software engineering or similar. The thresholds are lower than traditional sciences, though you might be faced with some calculus, stats and other harder math (assuming you're not a fan of such). You have potential to make a lot of money with those careers. Money is important. You need it to escape. It gives you freedom. I used to have stupid idealistic notions of not needing money or wanting to be bound to wage slavery. That's the world we live in. If you're going to be here, and don't want to be destitute, you'll need to figure out a path. And you definitely can't rely on the narcs even if they do offer a bed and a bathroom or even some money. They can't offer the emotional support you need. They never will. Having money means you can control where you live and to some extent who you surround yourself with. You can build your own roster of supportive, compassionate allies. But you can't do that from a diminished position.
I've been trying to teach myself software development. It's fun most times but tough and slow (I have depressive episodes that make me unable to study), and I finding work would be tough ( though not impossible a lot of people say from their experiences) without the college background.
Again, I am a failure, but I can at least suggest the above as what not to dos and what I might have done if I knew then what I know now.
I don't know the details of your situation and I apologize if I'm offering options that are impossible for whatever reasons are specific to you. I assume you are American and in America and have access to FAFSA and pell grants (assuming you meet the income threshold) and such. I'm assuming that you have access to aid and can attend a university or college in state at reduced tuition.
I hope some of this helps.
This is the information I could have used 12 years ago from someone who understood my trauma. I didn't have that. I hope, unsolicited as this advice and as unhelpful as I might seem as a source, to be that person for you.
