Story Welcoming myself back.

[absolute failure]

Here we go again. In my 23 years of being on this earth, ive spent my ages 14-18, a little when i was 20 and now again that I am 23 being suicidal. Whats quite interesting is that my suicidality has changed its root. When I was a teenager, I wanted to die because I hated myself. Now its different. I hate my life. I hate how lonely I am. I am glad I did not ctb when I was younger, I got to experience an actual relationship from ages 21-22, but this relationship failed due to me having to decide between my Ex and my father/ a roof under my head. (It was a messed up time, I spare you the details). Well, now 1 year after that breakup, I have just been so lonely and such a bad friend to other people, due to me ghosting my friends. Its like a social self inflicted gunshot wound. Funny thing is, in my 2 suicidal phases ive had before i did try to ctb, but never finished the attempts. The first attempt was with a noose, but i didnt know how to tie a knot properly and i chickened out last second. The second was during my second phase, where i actually ordered SN from malaysia and i was so scared customs would seize it, but they didnt. When it arrived i was so stressed out because of the customs that i THREW IT AWAY. Fml haha. Now i am eyeing the hanging method again. I gotta be more decisive for sure this time. Any recourses for me to check out would be greatly appreciated in the responses!

Thanks for reading