Weaponized suicide

[Codependent loner]

Hello I'm new and this is my first post, so please let me say my mind is in a bad place and this may not come out smoothly.

Many can relate to childhood trauma, many can relate to abuse weather it be from a parent, friends, lover…strangers, yourself. Everyone has a past, for some we can forget, bury, forgive,move on. For me I set the past aside just far enough not to see it, but close enough to remember. My heart however wasn't so lucky. It has been ripped out, trampled, hit by a train, stabbed, had small pieces bitten away, and put back into my carcass backwards. I don't live for the future, my heart beats backwards now. Pulling my mind to those places where that little child suffered. Reverting me to a time when I had no power.

I have one chance to break free, to jump into the darkness, and let the emptiness consume me. The path is laid out, the ticket bought, however there are two routes, one quiet with tears and maybe some whispering from those far away…or a grand exit.

Then you remember no one came to the bus stop to say fair well, no one helped as you packed, no one asked when your coming back or where you were going, no one knew the bus trip was on your mind. Would anyone notice your gone?

I need them to hear my screams, as the darkness caresses my fear, I need them to know what they have done, with every step I take closer to my travels the bitterness like acid in my mouth. Making the words weapons telling my truth.

You left me, you beat me, you Tortured me, you neglected me, you raped me! You returned, you gaslighted me, you took my sanity, you broke me, you invited the darkness into my soul, only to turn me into the things I hated most.

I'm now weak, small, timid …bitter, angry, alone in the arms of those I love who don't love me back. Is any of this real am I still a child peaking into the nightmare that will be my life, or am I on the bus watching the movie about the life that past me by. You turned me into the weapon that will destroy me.

 

[almaranthine]

"my heart beats backwards now," was a a great line, dreadfully poetic and I genuinely relate to that. It sounds like someone in particular has done you terribly wrong and I'm sorry you are suffering so much for it. It's not crazy to want someone who hurt you so much to suffer for what they've done. Hell, that's why people want to believe in karma so badly. Just keep in mind that some people are actual fucking monsters and the only people who will truly be hurt by your death are the ones that care for you.

 

[Pluto]

Very well said. I can only speak for the dystopian family that my upbringing was centred around. The same people who are completely desensitised to our suffering - if not sadistically thrilled by it - will likely experience a muted, if not pleasurable response to seeing us dead. I can say from experience that they rarely have a sudden epiphany.

And yes, quietly driving someone to suicide is the perfect murder method. Funny that there's so much shame and taboo around suicide, yet nothing for the shadowy figures who cause it.

 

[Codependent loner]

"my heart beats backwards now," was a a great line, dreadfully poetic and I genuinely relate to that. It sounds like someone in particular has done you terribly wrong and I'm sorry you are suffering so much for it. It's not crazy to want someone who hurt you so much to suffer for what they've done. Hell, that's why people want to believe in karma so badly. Just keep in mind that some people are actual fucking monsters and the only people who will truly be hurt by your death are the ones that care for you.

I think that's the rub, the ones who hurt me will never care what they have done, but following through will harm those who loved me…but in doing so am I no better than the ones who hurt me.

Very well said. I can only speak for the dystopian family that my upbringing was centred around. The same people who are completely desensitised to our suffering - if not sadistically thrilled by it - will likely experience a muted, if not pleasurable response to seeing us dead. I can say from experience that they rarely have a sudden epiphany.

And yes, quietly driving someone to suicide is the perfect murder method. Funny that there's so much shame and taboo around suicide, yet nothing for the shadowy figures who cause it.

Softy whispering Doubt, had the same impact as breaking my bones. Yes those who harm us will not see our pain only their power

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really can be so cruel, to me it's so awful how many people just create more suffering and cause more harm than there already is. It's really not surprising that so many people wish to leave this world filled with endless pain behind.

 

[makethepainstop]

Trauma is often inflicted by the people that are supposed to care for us. As for the pain associated with trauma, that varies from person to person. I wish your traumas could be healed. Some people cannot be expected to just shrug off their experiences, but most people can't release it cause of the pain that is remembered. Much love love to you.