N33dT0D13
Xe/It
- Apr 2, 2023
- 196
I am weak and it makes me want to die. My therapist is right, I don't have coping mechanisms, I'm just weak... I fear people putting in all this effort into trying to calm me down or help me not hate myself just for it to be for nothing, I don't want to let them down but it seems inevitable by virtue of me being me and doing the shit I do. I am a disappointment, everything about me is either majorly overwhelming or majorly underwhelming, I cannot just be an acceptable person, I can't exist without melting down over nothing, I hate it, I'm already broken, why can't I just finish the job? I wish I weren't such a coward. I wish I weren't so weak.
To clarify, my therapist did not call me weak, she simply pointed out me not having coping mechanisms. Mom used to call me weak and she was right. I'm tempted to call her rn but there's a chance she'd play nice instead since we haven't spoken in ages. I miss people being mean to me, everyone is too fucking nice these days and it feels like they're all lying to me. All these assholes on social media and regular media but everyone I meet is so compassionate and so sure that I don't deserve to die, bullshit, utter bullshit, they want me dead, they just can't say it cuz it feels mean, I want me dead, my mother wants me dead, my last ex wants me dead, maybe both exes, Satan and God want me dead and I should die, soon, painfully, I'm actually sick of people pretending otherwise.
...Delusion, I'm not significant enough in any way for anyone to have any strong opinion of me, let alone wanting me to die, and that just makes me wanna die more, no one would notice or care, maybe one person who would get over it in time and is better off, they know better people and wouldn't miss me too much for too long which is a selfish thing of me to say which is actually just more proof that I need to die, before I can worm my way into anyone else's life in any similar way, like the virus that I am.
The world will be better off! Without me! It hurts, because truth hurts lmao... I wish I weren't such a coward. I could do it today, right now, I could've done it hours ago and made the world a marginally better place but I'm too damn weak and selfish...
To clarify, my therapist did not call me weak, she simply pointed out me not having coping mechanisms. Mom used to call me weak and she was right. I'm tempted to call her rn but there's a chance she'd play nice instead since we haven't spoken in ages. I miss people being mean to me, everyone is too fucking nice these days and it feels like they're all lying to me. All these assholes on social media and regular media but everyone I meet is so compassionate and so sure that I don't deserve to die, bullshit, utter bullshit, they want me dead, they just can't say it cuz it feels mean, I want me dead, my mother wants me dead, my last ex wants me dead, maybe both exes, Satan and God want me dead and I should die, soon, painfully, I'm actually sick of people pretending otherwise.
...Delusion, I'm not significant enough in any way for anyone to have any strong opinion of me, let alone wanting me to die, and that just makes me wanna die more, no one would notice or care, maybe one person who would get over it in time and is better off, they know better people and wouldn't miss me too much for too long which is a selfish thing of me to say which is actually just more proof that I need to die, before I can worm my way into anyone else's life in any similar way, like the virus that I am.
The world will be better off! Without me! It hurts, because truth hurts lmao... I wish I weren't such a coward. I could do it today, right now, I could've done it hours ago and made the world a marginally better place but I'm too damn weak and selfish...
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