Venting watching my family gathered on the dinner table i can't help but wonder how their lives will be brutally changed when I cbt

[ecmnesia]

i bet they do not expect it.

i wonder how things will change for them. how they'll manage to keep going. what it will be like to them.

when I think about it, giving up cbt seems for the best. i want them to be happy, no matter how wrong they did me. i wish I could find someone to replace me, so i could just go without this burden against my chest. i wish there was a way to leave without breaking them.

but i guess that things like this always come with a high price that cannot be avoided. perhaps it's a equivalent exchange, perhaps in this universe both cannot exist... it's either my peace or theirs. to me freedom, to them hell.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

perhaps in this universe both cannot exist... it's either my peace or theirs. to me freedom, to them hell.

That particular line was really well written. Thank you for that.


I think about this often. I know my time is soon. I can't bear to look at them in the eye anymore, so I avoid being around them. And I know they'll be the ones ultimately left with the burden, not the people I've been spending time with trying to distract my brain. It's not easy to accept. But I think if one is suffering enough, maybe they'll learn to understand.

 

[botanormal]

I'm sorry, I know it's difficult to think about. Of course you don't want to cause your family any pain, I think most people who ctb feel the same way. But to continue on in a life where you have to constantly suffer is even harder. They may not understand that or feel the same way, but at the end of the day you don't owe it to anyone to make your decision based on their reaction. It will be very sad to lose a family member, but sometimes in life you have to take care of yourself first, I think. Of course, if you want to reconsider and have a go at life again, that is also completely valid and understandable. It just comes down to your own personal choice, even though it is hard I think it's important to not let family response dictate your decision too much. I hope that regardless of your choice, you're still able to find some much deserved peace.

 

[Gnip]

If my mother goes before me, I will CBT before she can be interred. Then, my surviving "family's" main burden will be deciding who to shit on and bully in my absence, having lost both the matriarch solely responsible for holding them together, and the omega wolf scapegoat they were all raised by my asshole evil and stupid old man to look down upon, pick on and abuse.

Without me and my mother, all my remaining "relatives" can go fuck themselves, abruptly and simultaneously stripped of both their unifying catalyst and their black sheep scapegoat. (Incidentally, as always, I am sitting out Thanksgiving dinner, since I hate family gatherings so completely and have avoided them whenever possible for decades. I'd rather spend next Thursday here with you folks, since I'm new here, you're never mistreated me, and the National Football League completely SUCKS in 2020 and forever more. I'll be MUCH happier being alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. Fuck the holidays!)

 

[SmellyRat]

Stay strong

 

[ecmnesia]

but at the end of the day you don't owe it to anyone to make your decision based on their reaction

i feel sad for them, but i completely agree with you. after all, i am the one who is constantly in pain, and it's not fair that should suffer for their sakes.

living for others is only tolerable for a small amount of time, sooner or later it becomes unbearable. we can only live for ourselves.

 

[SmellyRat]

i feel sad for them, but i completely agree with you. after all, i am the one who is constantly in pain, and it's not fair that should suffer for their sakes.

living for others is only tolerable for a small amount of time, sooner or later it becomes unbearable. we can only live for ourselves.

That's true, i don't know what to say because i'm in the same situation too.

One thing i do know is you're stong for being alive

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

I relate so much to everything that was said in your post.
I know that my parents will not be able to bounce back from my death. It will destroy them, they'll probably even ctb because of me, mom always said she will. People won't make it easier on them either because suiside is a huge taboo where I live.
Still I don't know why I find myself apathetic to all of this, my parents are amazing and don't deserve this but the pain has gotten so unbearable that I don't see another way out

 

[Ghost2211]

The way I look at it family members could see you die of any accident or natural cause, and they would have to just learn to carry on. It might help them if you write a well written letter(s) to help them understand.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Very powerful words, written so well and from the heart. Cannot tell you what to do as that comes from inside you and the desire you have. Can feel the pain in the openness of what you have put and the peace will come when you have made the choice you are comfortable with.

 

[AutoTap]

i feel sad for them, but i completely agree with you. after all, i am the one who is constantly in pain, and it's not fair that should suffer for their sakes.

living for others is only tolerable for a small amount of time, sooner or later it becomes unbearable. we can only live for ourselves.

Im curious do you suffer from anxiety?

 

[ecmnesia]

Im curious do you suffer from anxiety?

yes. why?

 

[Pookie]

I feel the same. The guilt, because it'll destroy my family and loved ones. But I can't stay alive to appease others. It would be selfish of them to expect me to continue suffering like this. If I were a dog I'd have been put down a long time ago.

 

[AutoTap]

yes. why?

I do as well and I also worry about the affects my death would have on my family.

 

[ecmnesia]

I do as well and I also worry about the affects my death would have not my family.

i know it's probably not healthy or right to do so. but I'm trying my best to just ignore it.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

I feel this all the time whenever I look at my little sister, friends, and my mom. They have no idea what i'm going to do. I love them and want them to be happy, but I don't want to keep suffering anymore and living for people. I know being used and feeling pain is the inevitable for me if I choose to keep living. It breaks my heart so I try to immerse myself in their presence whenever they're around. I know that we only have a short time left together.

 

[MindFrog]

I feel so incredibly selfish for wanting to die but i feel like i'm slowly killing myself for being alive. I dont even know what to do anymore.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I feel the same. The guilt, because it'll destroy my family and loved ones. But I can't stay alive to appease others. It would be selfish of them to expect me to continue suffering like this. If I were a dog I'd have been put down a long time ago.

I often make that reference about if I were a dog I would've been put down a long time ago. Why don't I deserve the same humane treatment?