nosurpries
Member
- Jul 3, 2022
- 97
i get so angry when i see other people my age doing all the things i will never be able to. i spent my 16th birthday in the depths of covid quarantine, and then my 17th completely friendless by myself. i am wasting my fucking youth, i feel it slipping right through my fingers everyday, it depresses me.
this effects me a lot, maybe because i'm female so i've been conditioned to equate my youthfulness to my attractiveness. or maybe it's just true. i'm 18, this is my physical peak, right? i'm not like model beautiful or anything but i am conventially attractive. i was a waitress and men would talk to me and flirt with me every time i worked, so i know that i'm not ugly, i've always been told by people in my life that i'm pretty. so what is the point in living long enough to see myself wrinkle and gain weight, see myself lose the little value that i actually have. this is a major factor in my reasons for cbt, i want to die skinny and pretty and youthful still. ex: better to burn out than fade away.
i'm delusional, i've romanticized my own death over and over and over again since i was like 12. i want to die still young and pretty and stay golden in my peers memories forever. i don't want to finally cbt late at 30 something years old when i'm gross or something. i really do wish that i had other options, i wish i could grow old and be happy, i wish i had a partner i could have a life with, or a family.
i feel so angry, i feel like i'll never be able to live a fullfilling life. i am incompatible with happiness at the most rudimentary level, i'm anti social and unable to communicate with other, a fucking freak. because in truth, i don't want to die. i want to live without chronic pain, i want to travel, i want to love and feel loved, i want to experience all of the humanistic pleasures in life. i'm a fucking virgin, its depressing. i feel like i've barely lived, never internationally traveled, never even been to an actual party with alcohol, i've only ever been drunk twice, never done any drugs.
i romanticize all of this in my head and try to convince myself it's some kind of virtue, but it's really just crippling loneliness.
this effects me a lot, maybe because i'm female so i've been conditioned to equate my youthfulness to my attractiveness. or maybe it's just true. i'm 18, this is my physical peak, right? i'm not like model beautiful or anything but i am conventially attractive. i was a waitress and men would talk to me and flirt with me every time i worked, so i know that i'm not ugly, i've always been told by people in my life that i'm pretty. so what is the point in living long enough to see myself wrinkle and gain weight, see myself lose the little value that i actually have. this is a major factor in my reasons for cbt, i want to die skinny and pretty and youthful still. ex: better to burn out than fade away.
i'm delusional, i've romanticized my own death over and over and over again since i was like 12. i want to die still young and pretty and stay golden in my peers memories forever. i don't want to finally cbt late at 30 something years old when i'm gross or something. i really do wish that i had other options, i wish i could grow old and be happy, i wish i had a partner i could have a life with, or a family.
i feel so angry, i feel like i'll never be able to live a fullfilling life. i am incompatible with happiness at the most rudimentary level, i'm anti social and unable to communicate with other, a fucking freak. because in truth, i don't want to die. i want to live without chronic pain, i want to travel, i want to love and feel loved, i want to experience all of the humanistic pleasures in life. i'm a fucking virgin, its depressing. i feel like i've barely lived, never internationally traveled, never even been to an actual party with alcohol, i've only ever been drunk twice, never done any drugs.
i romanticize all of this in my head and try to convince myself it's some kind of virtue, but it's really just crippling loneliness.