Venting Wasted my Entire Life on the Internet

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

Of all my addictions from chemical drug dependence to codependent relationships, none has been so persistent and enduring as the attachment I have to my current screen. I guarantee that the internet in 50 years will live on in common discourse as a drug for the impoverished, isolated, and abused. I have lived by the screen, I will die by the screen. What do I do when I get home after a hard day? I watch a YouTube video. When I feel nothing at all? I scroll Instagram Reels. I have found the strength to throw out my drugs anytime I want, but I have yet to find the willpower to throw out the Wi-Fi router.

I hate this. I hate how I cannot go a day without using the internet. I hate that you could track my entire life, growth, and mood by the online community that I was apart of at the time. I am terminally online, by definition.

Reddit, Twitter, Instagram, Roblox, Discord, Minecraft, etc. I have wasted years and years of my life scrolling, endlessly scrolling. I have watched petty Discord drama like I was observing the Fall of Rome in real time, I shit you not. How pathetic. My greatest addiction is the addiction I have to the internet. My first introduction to the internet was when my dad put on some YouTube video. I forget which one it was. The earliest I can remember him showing me is a video of Patrick singing that he can count to number four.

In fact, I found it... Still up after all these years, huh? That's impressive (especially for the time).

I used to just play Pokemon HG/SS on my DS before then. One day, I found SkyDoesMinecraft on YouTube. It was the first Cops & Robbers video + the John mod that got me hooked to his channel. I loved those videos. Those videos offered me an escape from the abusive reality I was living in: I was physically abused as a child, I was exposed to drug use, and I saw things that no child should ever have to live through. I am sad to admit that I am eerily close to repeating that cycle. I am not as above that as I think I am. That's playing into my decision for buying tickets to CTB this year.

Blah blah blah depressive musing aside, I discovered Minecraft through... well... SkyDoesMinecraft. Minecraft was the first game I used to escape from reality. I'd get home from school, ask mom to use the laptop, and then play Minecraft all day. I was really bad at it. People found me, rightfully, really fucking annoying. I was a child with internet access.

You get the point. I jumped from community-to-community. Some of those communitys I REALLY shouldn't have been in. Sometimes, I'd act out using my online anonymity because I'd get attention. I was a troll. I'm not proud of it. I fucking hate it. All the ways that I've denied love and support to others eats me alive every-fucking-night-that-I'm-awake. I wanted attention. I've wanted people to notice that I existed, even if I was an obnoxious cockwad that'd be banned in 5 seconds.

Youtube, video games, etc. I've numbed myself to the internet all my life. I once ran into a person that I believe as an adult took advantage of my living situation and, for the lack of a better term, groomed me. I was used as a transactional sex doll for years. One of the people that made me feel so mature in my teens, that felt like I person I could trust, and gave me the attention I need? He only used me to get himself off. I feel used, violated, disgusted.

I'm convinced that community I ran into was taking advantage of the younger userbase in some ways. I don't have proof. Just a hunch. I used to have an "oh, I'm so edgy because I am deeply mysterious and no one knows who I am..." kinda shtick. Well, turns out, predators know how to take advantage of that shtick very well :^)! If there was a life statistics page after you die like a video game, then I'm pretty sure a "time spent on the internet to years alive ratio" would be one of those categories I'd top in (I never want to see the numbers, I'm scared).

I've done awful things with the anonymity I've been given. The universe needs more love--not hate. I guess I'm just an asshole deep down. Even if I'm being malicious, at least getting banned by the Garry's Mod admin was some form of lowly attention--am I right? I can't forgive myself for the hateful things I've done in the pursuit of attention. I am so sorry. Being groomed, being abused, none of it excuses being an asshole. I know the ideal thing to do is to live with these actions and grow as a person, but I've lost the strength to do that. I've lost the strength to go on and grow. There is an insurmountable mountain ahead of me if I want to grow or seek any form of atonement. I don't have the proper gear. The proper gear to climb the mountain ahead of me is a luxury I cannot afford in this technofeudal day and age.

I am not better than anyone on this earth. For so long I lived under the delusion that I was. Thanks Reddit (fuck you Reddit I hate you stupid piece of shit platform). Fuck the corporations for taking my attention span and passions. I will never forgive them. I am nothing but a shell of bitterness, resent, and hate. I am good at lying that I'm not, though.

I'm surprised I didn't become a lolcow (not yet at least). In my later teens, I'd do a fuckton of drugs and socialize on Discord. Hahahahaha. You can imagine the end results of that. One of the servers I was active in the owner just kept me around because he found my mental illness and drug abuse funny--like I was some kind of jester to him. I thought he was my friend, guess not. One day he banned me because he stopped finding me funny and more-so annoying. Dude didn't care for me. How sad and pathetic is it that I felt like Caesar getting backstabbed by Brutus in that moment? Over. A. Fucking. Discord. Server

I lived through a codependent relationship for years on the internet with someone of a similar background to me. We did drugs together in VC. I really hurt this person. I will never forgive myself for how I hurt this person. I am repeating the mistakes my father made. I was so high one time my friend sent me a message that she REALLY needed someone... and I couldn't read the text. I was awake, I saw the text, and I found out she was in crisis the day after the high wore off. I put the phone away while I was high. I still have the voicemail. I left my BEST FRIEND reeling in crisis when she really needed me more than anything in that moment. I ended that relationship a few months ago.

I really am the lamest form of evil.

It makes me wonder that if I stuck things out would I be browsing Reddit 40 years from now? Would I be playing Fortnite on my death bed with my Kasane Teto winter edition skin? Would I be taking pictures of myself--death bed and all--to post on Twitter, Instagram, Discord: "Hello! Love you all. Looks like I'm gonna go, peace out! Cya'll on durrr other side!!! XDXD!!!" Would I be asking for my phone password in a dementia-ridden haze to talk in Discord servers that no longer exist? Will I be reliving nostalgia on Pirate101 20 years from now?

1200+ words isn't enough to express just how addicted I am to the internet. It is interwoven into everyday society. I can't just up-and-dip like I did with my best friend. What age were the architects that built the Angkor Wat? What age were painters making their masterpieces during the High Renaissance? I am wasting my life. I am living a decadent, isolated, hopeless existence all encompassed entirely within the resolution of my device's screen. Are there benefits to the internet? Yeah. I like watching Glitch Productions, love it, but then what about all the other slop I'm exposed to? Oh? You're suggesting I try a screen limit? I just go in incognito mode when those run out. I'm an addict. I don't have willpower for that ^_^!

Touching grass is fun but I always end up back on my screen anyway. I wish I could touch grass all the time. I know I might be a little dramatic here I just seriously feel that if I threw out all my electronics I'd enter a strong withdrawal. I seriously believe that my brain has grown and developed over so many years to be naturally "wired" to the internet. I don't know how to explain it.

I can definitely explain how piss-poor my social skills are though. I can't fucking socialize for shit. My idea of any relationship stems from parasocial behavior, television, and porn. Someone's nice to me for five seconds? Can't stop my fantasies about having sex with this person. I desire touch and connection because I have lacked meaningful connection my entire life. The strongest connection I've ever had is an internet connection. My friends are smarter than me as a result of growing up with only the internet for reference. I am very slow & uneducated in person, go figure. I can't help but feel like a clueless, retarded dog in some of my daily interactions (but difference being is that people actually like dogs).

I guess that's why I love drugs so much because when I'm so high I can't comprehend good and bad. I just am. I'm just warm. I want to be warm forever. I'm a stupid retarded dog but at least I like being a stupid retarded dog, you feel me? To deny me the hearth after everything I've lived through and all the guilt I bear would be cruel.

Even the day I CTB, I'm probably going to open social media at least once. I know I'm going to go to my favorite ice cream place one last time, maybe smoke some weed to live it out in a euphoric blanket, but I unfortunately know I'm going to spend the majority of my time left on earth that day looking into my phone screen.

I don't know how else to end this with a meaningful conclusion. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

 

[violetforever]

thanks for writing this, i read it all and related to some parts. i could talk about hating the internet while using the internet all day. i deleted my social media (instagram/twitter was all i had remaining) after basically living on it while ignoring my real life for all of my teenage years and some of my young adult years. i feel embarrassed looking back on it but i was lonely and living in a house with trauma i wanted an escape from. i'm still both of those things but social media wasn't helping. i think of how many people and bad experiences i could've avoided if i just logged off for my own well being earlier…

 

[itsgone2]

I can relate to wasting a life by focusing on the wrong things, even if the details are different.

A complete shame. Also sounds like you had the capability to be so much more.

 

[Alpacachino]

I don't think you're wasting time on anything that gives you enjoyment. Throughout my life I have found various things giving me varying levels of enjoyment, but I definitely do cut back on them when I feel that something is taking up too much of my time. Because if you spend too much time on one thing, obviously you won't have time for others.

My whole life is 1 addiction after another. Few years went by gaming. Another few years, it was the gym. Another year, it's alcohol. Another year, it's food and desserts,lol.

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

I can relate to wasting a life by focusing on the wrong things, even if the details are different.

A complete shame. Also sounds like you had the capability to be so much more.

Sigh... Yep. Bites lip.

thanks for writing this, i read it all and related to some parts. i could talk about hating the internet while using the internet all day. i deleted my social media (instagram/twitter was all i had remaining) after basically living on it while ignoring my real life for all of my teenage years and some of my young adult years. i feel embarrassed looking back on it but i was lonely and living in a house with trauma i wanted an escape from. i'm still both of those things but social media wasn't helping. i think of how many people and bad experiences i could've avoided if i just logged off for my own well being earlier…

Hey, no problem. I appreciate that you read the thing. I feel the same way about hating the internet, but here I am on it right now. Instagram is the hardest for me. It's the modern day equivalent of a cell phone number but it makes social interaction 10000x harder for me. So many people I will probably never talk to again. Twitter I've cut recently but replaced it with Instagram. Idk how I'm ever going to shed off Discord and Reddit.

I am embarrassed by all the crap I've done too. All I ever wanted was an escape from my situation. There's not much you can do outside these days without any money either. It's not like I had many friends either. Too many bad people that've taken advantage of me.

 

[davidtorez]

My addiction to training and martial arts gave me the problems that are making me want to CTB . I.e osteoarthritis all over my body and tendonosis in almost every joint. Sometimes what we enjoy doing ends up being our downfall later in life

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

This is the great unnoticed failure of my life. Scrolling all my time away. It's been worse for longer than I'll acknowledge.

 

[Alpacachino]

I am embarrassed by all the crap I've done too. All I ever wanted was an escape from my situation. There's not much you can do outside these days without any money either. It's not like I had many friends either. Too many bad people that've taken advantage of me.

It's better to be alone than have the wrong friends in my experience.

My addiction to training and martial arts gave me the problems that are making me want to CTB . I.e osteoarthritis all over my body and tendonosis in almost every joint. Sometimes what we enjoy doing ends up being our downfall later in life

Let me guess, BJJ? Lot of people have gone down that path, including me while I didn't specifically train MMA. I did boxing and a lot of weightlifting. I used to overtrain all the time,be constantly fatigued.Even though I knew that the training was actually doing more harm than good, I used to love it, so I used to do too much of it to my own detriment.

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

I don't think you're wasting time on anything that gives you enjoyment... My whole life is 1 addiction after another. Few years went by gaming. Another few years, it was the gym. Another year, it's alcohol. Another year, it's food and desserts,lol.

Yep. I feel like I'm always trading one vice for the other (except I'm using that vice while playing Fortnite or some crap). I have tried going to the gym, adjusting my eating habits, and it is going pretty well. I just cannot escape the feeling that I am behind in many ways. I cannot escape feeling alone. It's unreasonable for me to expect anyone to be at my side, constantly, but I'd really want it. I don't even really enjoy being on the internet anymore my other hobbys these days are just there to keep me off the internet funny enough.

As for being alone vs. being with toxic people? Ugh... That's so hard to say. I recognize that my brain is through a severe withdrawal from my codependent relationship with my best friend on top of a very traumatic few months recently unrelated. I recognize that there were valid reasons I ended that relationship. It just doesn't feel good either way. I think what I liked the most about that relationship was I wasn't alone with my thoughts. Always had someone to talk about them with every night.

Maybe it's an acquired taste. It's just brutal being alone for so many nights with nothing but my thoughts.

My addiction to training and martial arts gave me the problems that are making me want to CTB . I.e osteoarthritis all over my body and tendonosis in almost every joint. Sometimes what we enjoy doing ends up being our downfall later in life

I sympathize. I deal with some awful pain flare-ups on occasion. I'm not wealthy or important enough to get the help or therapy I need for any of that. So, I'll just smoke weed, pop kratom, etc when it does happen. Stretches help but I realize that's not good enough for everyone's situation.

This is the great unnoticed failure of my life. Scrolling all my time away. It's been worse for longer than I'll acknowledge.

I hope I'm not being dramatic but this really is a societal issue I believe will get major press in a few decades. It was socially, technologically engineered to do that. I don't even know why. It's like my humanity is less important, I'm a number, and I'm a number to sell to data companies. Why do I have to scroll for as long as possible? It's like modern day opium.