Story Was so close - SN

[Stoned Ghost]

Had my timetable planned and prepped. Hotel room
Fasted 8-12 hours
Have the meto and benzos

Couldn't bring myself to open the sn and mix it. Would of happily gone through with it if it wasn't for leaving my family and gf behind. Couldn't get past the damage that it might of caused them. Was nice to do a dry run though I guess. Maybe another time.

Eventual method will be SN. Guess I've got some more things to sort out before I eventually catch the bus.

A long time lurker. A massive thankyou and sending out love to everyone here. You're all amazing and I love you. Hope everyone is doing their best

 

[Dot]

Had my timetable planned and prepped. Hotel room
Fasted 8-12 hours
Have the meto and benzos

Couldn't bring myself to open the sn and mix it. Would of happily gone through with it if it wasn't for leaving my family and gf behind. Couldn't get past the damage that it might of caused them. Was nice to do a dry run though I guess. Maybe another time.

Eventual method will be SN. Guess I've got some more things to sort out before I eventually catch the bus.

A long time lurker. A massive thankyou and sending out love to everyone here. You're all amazing and I love you. Hope everyone is doing their best

If u r strugglng wth leavng ppl b-hnd wld u fnd talkng abt reasns tht u wn2 ctb helpfl

R u sre thre = 0 chnce fr recvry etc

Thre r lts of rsources if n.e of thm mght hlp u @ qll

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back! Don't be too hard to yourself.

 

[Stoned Ghost]

If u r strugglng wth leavng ppl b-hnd wld u fnd talkng abt reasns tht u wn2 ctb helpfl

R u sre thre = 0 chnce fr recvry etc

Thre r lts of rsources if n.e of thm mght hlp u @ qll

Hey Dot. Appreciate the reply. Love the typing style by the way.

Depression and anxiety. Been plagued by it for years/decades. Currently have tinnitus which has been driving me absolutely insane but could potentially be something that might subside/get better.

Suppose I'm in a rock and a hard place at the moment. Just couldn't get the idea of the damage I might cause although I have notes and things sorted.

Feel like a bit of a let down as I know a lot of people would of "loved" to be in my current position. I just guess everyone has there own reasons and timing.

Thought it was important to have something on here for people to read. Felt like documenting the experience may be beneficial to others.

Welcome back! Don't be to hard to yourself.

Much appreciated mate! It's been a while!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best as well.

 

[Stoned Ghost]

I wish you the best as well.

Thankyou. You're kind words mean the world to me.

 

[EternalSummer]

These moments where you don't actually go through with it are the ones you learn the most, last time I wasnt even able to book the hotel room, and the second I postponed my reserve, but these lask weeks have been good for guaranteeing suicide is what I really want.

Now my reserve is set for the next friday,hopefully my final day. This extra time was also helpful for getting some extra things, such as gloves so I don't see my hands turning blue and also bought a plastic cover for the hotel bed so I dont make a mess with vomits and whatever else my body let go after its turned off.

Something I don't understand, why don't you end your relationship before ctb? I mean, if I could not be my parent's sons I would, you already wanna go out and are in a serious relationship with someone? I am even avoiding going on dates during these possible final moments, anyway, peace.

 

[Stoned Ghost]

These moments where you don't actually go through with it are the ones you learn the most, last time I wasnt even able to book the hotel room, and the second I postponed my reserve, but these lask weeks have been good for guaranteeing suicide is what I really want.

I was incredibly torn and felt it hard to actually book the room and come here. But has definitely been a learning experience. Took me 2 hours before I had the heart to book.

These moments where you don't actually go through with it are the ones you learn the most, last time I wasnt even able to book the hotel room, and the second I postponed my reserve, but these lask weeks have been good for guaranteeing suicide is what I really want.

Now my reserve is set for the next friday,hopefully my final day. This extra time was also helpful for getting some extra things, such as gloves so I don't see my hands turning blue and also bought a plastic cover for the hotel bed so I dont make a mess with vomits and whatever else my body let go after its turned off.

Something I don't understand, why don't you end your relationship before ctb? I mean, if I could not be my parent's sons I would, you already wanna go out and are in a serious relationship with someone? I am even avoiding going on dates during these possible final moments, anyway, peace.

It was definitely a learning experience.

It certainly wasn't apart of my plan. I had no intentions of finding someone, but life has a hard way of doing things. I'd feel more selfish leaving and her thinking it was her fault or something she did. Instead of just going through with it. she is well aware of my mental issues.

I guess I have more lose ends to tie than I thought.

 

[EternalSummer]

Yeah, usually the guilt is the hardest thing to deal with, but I guess that with each postponed attempt I was able to reflect more about it and get a sense that it is in my right to do so, also having everything prepared beforehand such as letters certainly helps.


But we have to decide for ourselves, with each possible final day I was able to reflect if life or death would be the better option, and considering living, trying to make plans for the future and whatever else comes with living, makes me wanna ctb, so I guess that's what i'll be thinking about the day I ctb, thinking about all the bullshit i won't have to deal with, and not about the people i'll hurt or the possible good things i'll miss, if you are really commited to doing this shit, you kind of have to hack your mind to make the experience easier.

 

[Stoned Ghost]

Absolutely. It wasn't something I had expected to weigh on me so much, until the time was nigh. This is my first postponed attempt after acquiring one 2 years ago.

Will definitely take a bit more time to make sure absolutely every last thing has been sorted.

I'm in the same boat. Have thought about the option for years. Only recently has it become a reality for me.

Its nice to hear you have everything sorted and ready.

Absolutely. Agree with you there. That's definitely something I will need to work on.

Thanks for the replies and messages again everyone. Means the world to me. Wish I could help you all the way you've helped me.

 

[EternalSummer]

Absolutely. It wasn't something I had expected to weigh on me so much, until the time was nigh. This is my first postponed attempt after acquiring one 2 years ago.

Will definitely take a bit more time to make sure absolutely every last thing has been sorted.

I'm in the same boat. Have thought about the option for years. Only recently has it become a reality for me.

Its nice to hear you have everything sorted and ready.

Absolutely. Agree with you there. That's definitely something I will need to work on.

Thanks for the replies and messages again everyone. Means the world to me. Wish I could help you all the way you've helped me.

Yep, we should always take our time and do it in our terms, there's no rush, you can always do it another day or even completely forget about doing it. But I really hope I can go through with it next friday, i am not compatible with living and having responsabilities, thats for damn sure.

 

[Edistrying]

Don't be ashame, it's ok to regret, even if you dont want do it anymore, i hope you can find peace soon

 

[feelinggloomy]

I wish you peace whatever you decide

 

[iamgoddamnlost]

I am glad you're alive hold on and I hope it gets better for you

Had my timetable planned and prepped. Hotel room
Fasted 8-12 hours
Have the meto and benzos

Couldn't bring myself to open the sn and mix it. Would of happily gone through with it if it wasn't for leaving my family and gf behind. Couldn't get past the damage that it might of caused them. Was nice to do a dry run though I guess. Maybe another time.

Eventual method will be SN. Guess I've got some more things to sort out before I eventually catch the bus.

A long time lurker. A massive thankyou and sending out love to everyone here. You're all amazing and I love you. Hope everyone is doing their best