Was my friend right all along?

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I am not sure how to go about this but here goes

I have been keeping distance from a friend of mine. I was introduced to him through reddit. Without going into too much detail, hes a life coach for those overcoming trauma. I've explained my story here with trauma before, so I figured joining this group would be nice.

Like most things, it was fun in the beginning. However, I have a bad habit of lashing out and I have had my meltdown that I fear affected some members. I have apologized, but still feel guilty

Anyways, I ended up getting closer to my life coach friend. We went from messaging to daily phone calls. But with that came arguments. I do believe I can be a bitch and hard to feel with. But there were some things that never sat right with me

Such as how, he would validate my feelings but then say other things are bullshit. Or at times when I wa having a meltdown, he'd even chuckle. And other times he'd mention I have "victim mentality" which...I am somewhat conflicted on. We'd talk it out but I look back at these interactions and wonder if they were healthy

Recently he's been checking in on me since we haven't spoke in a while and I dont know if its fair to tell him how I feel. I dont know how he'd react. But I feel a friend I thought I had is no longer sadly. I am just afraid of the outcome.

I just wonder if every time he chuckled or called bullshit, if he was right about me. I assumed cause he is a life coach thta he automatically knows more. He, like me, also has BPD and came from a worst past than I did. Maybe I'm the dumb one

 

[Torbasco]

He sounds very blunt and rude, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. He absolutely should have been more gentle if you were struggling. In my experience it is more healthy to talk everything out rather than bottling things up, but it sounds like he was just taking a lot out on you. I hope you can feel better, it sounds like you definitely deserve better treatment after all you've been through.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Yeah. We've been friends for about over a year and on one hand I feel very close to him since he's really helped me out of a lot of situations. But there were also things I didnt like either. I am just unsure of how to move forward now
In a way it almost feels like everything I have known in my life is a lie. Its, honestly a big reason why I want to die. Mainly cause I have been through so much and it cannot seem to find peace anywhere. Everywhere I go I end up finding a wolf in sheep's clothing. I dont know how much I can take till I break, and when I break is when people actually start to care

 

[Torbasco]

I understand way too well how hard it can be. Sometimes a break or some distance can do you mentally good, but avoiding talking about important issues entirely might do more harm than good to both of you. I wish I could offer more helpful advice, but my girlfriend never said a single word to me once things got complicated, and that hurt me more than any hard to swallow words ever could have.

I can tell you're a good person going through a lot of trouble and grief that you don't deserve. Hang in there and I'm sure you'll find that happiness you once had.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I see. If you dont mind me asking, what do you wish your girlfriend did instead of not talking?

 

[Torbasco]

My situation was very different than yours, so I'm sorry if it doesn't help much, but I just wished she could have communicated at all instead of going dead silent forever. Being ignored outright was too hard on me, and gave no sense of closure or ability to move on. It was traumatizing, and felt like I was worth nothing. Even if it wasn't a pleasant conversation, it would have been much better to communicate each others feelings to at least give some closure or ability to work things out.

I'm not good at all with handling situations like the one you find yourself in, but if I could convey anything from my experience, I feel like when there's a problem between two people, the only healthy thing is to engage in dialogue to find solutions. If you avoid the problem, it will probably eat away at you until you break.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I see. my fear is that he'll be an ass and not take what he did seriously. Which in that case I would have wasted my time and opened myself up for more pain

 

[Torbasco]

I understand, it's really hard. I was afraid of my girlfriend not taking what she did seriously if she ever communicated back, but never hearing anything at all ended up hurting even more. Ultimately it's your choice if you would rather move on entirely or try to work things out. Either way, if you end up getting hurt you can always talk here. You deserve better treatment, I'm sorry.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

This really sounds like a form of gaslighting. Is he a narcissist? I think your gut instinct is on track.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

This really sounds like a form of gaslighting. Is he a narcissist? I think your gut instinct is on track.

You bring up an interesting point. I am not sure to go as far to say he's a narcissistic. I will say this though, me and another friend of mine (she knew him longrer that I have) is one of the few people that sees through him. We've been talking about our experiences

 

[SpottedPanda]

The problem with so called 'life coaches', is that it seems anybody can claim to be one.

I used to have a friend who was a self titled life coach, but really he was just a person who had struggled in life, offering life advice to others.

I'd be more inclined to believe a psychiatrist if I was struggling mentally, than a life coach if I was struggling in general. At least I'd know they'd been to school for six plus years.

The problem with having a 'guru' is you can never be quite sure if they truly know what they're talking about.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

This friend of yours, did you ever resume contact with them?

 

[SpottedPanda]

This friend of yours, did you ever resume contact with them?

Sorry if this question wasn't aimed at me. I wasn't sure, but I'll answer anyway.

My friend had been tortured in another country, had his family killed. He was making a living as a life coach, and over time he simply went off the map. From radio appearances to seeing him on stage (he was deeply into the self development space), one day he was just unavailable. I no longer had his number, his Facebook seemed to be gone. A mutual friend of ours remarks on him, we laugh together at the great Mr. X (won't say his name for privacy reasons). He was a good guy, and offered to coach me, but at the time I saw no reason to trust his word and advice over my own instincts.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Sorry if this question wasn't aimed at me. I wasn't sure, but I'll answer anyway.

My friend had been tortured in another country, had his family killed. He was making a living as a life coach, and over time he simply went off the map. From radio appearances to seeing him on stage (he was deeply into the self development space), one day he was just unavailable. I no longer had his number, his Facebook seemed to be gone. A mutual friend of ours remarks on him, we laugh together at the great Mr. X (won't say his name for privacy reasons). He was a good guy, and offered to coach me, but at the time I saw no reason to trust his word and advice over my own instincts.

I am sorry I didnt make it clear, but yes the question was aimed at you. Your friends experience seems to mirror that of my friend. Different circumstances but nonetheless very traumatic. I feel that he too is a genuinely good person but I think he has his flaws.

 

[Muirthemne]

The trouble with life coaches is there's no regulations, no oversight, and no strict qualifications. Anyone can call themselves a life coach. Maybe it's just because my narcissistic monster of a mother was a life coach, but this whole situation raises serious red flags for me.

You know the guy, and I don't, so I can't tell you what to do, but please be careful.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

You bring up an interesting point. I am not sure to go as far to say he's a narcissistic. I will say this though, me and another friend of mine (she knew him longrer that I have) is one of the few people that sees through him. We've been talking about our experiences

Until my best friend married a narcissist which I missed completely, I have researched to find there are so many different kinds. They all have an way to control either directly or indirectly. She is in the process of divorce to avoid a lifetime of emotional hostage and abuse. Peace and Love.

You bring up an interesting point. I am not sure to go as far to say he's a narcissistic. I will say this though, me and another friend of mine (she knew him longrer that I have) is one of the few people that sees through him. We've been talking about our experiences

That is one characteristic of narcissism. Once someone is able to see thru them, they will distance to avoid the reality that they will never admit to.