BasqueClown
Zirkua ata heriotza
- Jun 9, 2022
- 121
TL DR I was hospitalized for an episode in december, then diagnosed with Depersonalization disorder, I writing this in sedated state
Hi community, I'm write this because its the only place I can venting without be judged, all forums of psychology are junk
Anyway, some remember me for that girl who try suicide after a abusive girlfriend in Brazil, then I announce that I was leaving Brazil since nothing attached me, quit job, buy ticket to France with that and leave the country forever.
I stayed with a uncle family in Bordeaux, I was relatively wellcomed and found a part time job in a press to pay my stuff, and seeing psychiatrist and therapist 3 days a week.
I admit that I mess up with some bad company because I relapse in alcohol and weed, that causes a disbalance with my brain and made me unstable.
Apparently I suffer my first Depersonalization episode in mid november. I arrived to work, make a mistake and I was fired that right day. But I don't remember anything. I woke up in the hospital next day because police found me at the road sleeping and I didn't respond anything. For drug testing I was positive and criminal charges wasn't made but I was obligated to stay in observation. I nearly broke one of the printers for stucking loads of paper for the police report.
I was obligated to stay in a rehab classes and being always follow by another adult (a cousin in this case). But then I had another more dangerous episode.
In some way I dissapeared to my cousin, steal his wallet and buy a ticket to another city.
Since then I was hospitalized, this time definitely until psychiatrists clear me. It was horrible. I only remember a few talks in the cafeteria, a lot of time I was sleeping and talking with the psychiatrist. In the worst week I confessed my suicide attempt and my suicide plan. I read the report at home at it said that I describe my fantasy to be hanged in a "beautiful pink rope in a tree at dawn".
Well I was diagnosed with a Depersonalization disorder. Not exactly the classic one with multiple personalities. Only I had episodes in I behave and stay in a erratic and autodestructive way, without remember anything in the next hours or days, like I was in a character. I don't use my own name in this state in the talking with police and stuff, and in my "sober" stage I recognize that name of Arantxa was a character of a play who I wrote years ago but I didn't publish or something, only practise with myself. One psychiatrist told me that Arantxa was the one who wants to kill herself and not really me. In one of psychotic episodes, I was in a bridge and police caught me here.
I stayed until january. I didn't had christmas or new year eve with family. Since my uncle practically kicked out me, I was declared unable to work and giving a disabled card and an aunt accepted me to care.
Well I'm in Spain right now, in strict Psychiatric supervision 3 days a week and a dozen of anti psychotic pills and antidepressants. I'm writing this since my insomnia and the advantage that my aunt doesn't talk english.
One of the worst things about Depersonalization disorder is that I lose the sense of time. I don't know when I'm Arantxa or me. Sometimes I slept all day, sometimes I study english and saw streaming but other I write nonsense for hours when I'm not out to hospital.
Apparently in 3 months to 1 year I can restart to have a "normal" life but I doubt it. I'm really really want to recover, that's why I writing this in this section, but I feel like I relapsed and mess up all the things I decided to recover in the dark days of my past that leave me to get in this forum.
Hi community, I'm write this because its the only place I can venting without be judged, all forums of psychology are junk
Anyway, some remember me for that girl who try suicide after a abusive girlfriend in Brazil, then I announce that I was leaving Brazil since nothing attached me, quit job, buy ticket to France with that and leave the country forever.
I stayed with a uncle family in Bordeaux, I was relatively wellcomed and found a part time job in a press to pay my stuff, and seeing psychiatrist and therapist 3 days a week.
I admit that I mess up with some bad company because I relapse in alcohol and weed, that causes a disbalance with my brain and made me unstable.
Apparently I suffer my first Depersonalization episode in mid november. I arrived to work, make a mistake and I was fired that right day. But I don't remember anything. I woke up in the hospital next day because police found me at the road sleeping and I didn't respond anything. For drug testing I was positive and criminal charges wasn't made but I was obligated to stay in observation. I nearly broke one of the printers for stucking loads of paper for the police report.
I was obligated to stay in a rehab classes and being always follow by another adult (a cousin in this case). But then I had another more dangerous episode.
In some way I dissapeared to my cousin, steal his wallet and buy a ticket to another city.
Since then I was hospitalized, this time definitely until psychiatrists clear me. It was horrible. I only remember a few talks in the cafeteria, a lot of time I was sleeping and talking with the psychiatrist. In the worst week I confessed my suicide attempt and my suicide plan. I read the report at home at it said that I describe my fantasy to be hanged in a "beautiful pink rope in a tree at dawn".
Well I was diagnosed with a Depersonalization disorder. Not exactly the classic one with multiple personalities. Only I had episodes in I behave and stay in a erratic and autodestructive way, without remember anything in the next hours or days, like I was in a character. I don't use my own name in this state in the talking with police and stuff, and in my "sober" stage I recognize that name of Arantxa was a character of a play who I wrote years ago but I didn't publish or something, only practise with myself. One psychiatrist told me that Arantxa was the one who wants to kill herself and not really me. In one of psychotic episodes, I was in a bridge and police caught me here.
I stayed until january. I didn't had christmas or new year eve with family. Since my uncle practically kicked out me, I was declared unable to work and giving a disabled card and an aunt accepted me to care.
Well I'm in Spain right now, in strict Psychiatric supervision 3 days a week and a dozen of anti psychotic pills and antidepressants. I'm writing this since my insomnia and the advantage that my aunt doesn't talk english.
One of the worst things about Depersonalization disorder is that I lose the sense of time. I don't know when I'm Arantxa or me. Sometimes I slept all day, sometimes I study english and saw streaming but other I write nonsense for hours when I'm not out to hospital.
Apparently in 3 months to 1 year I can restart to have a "normal" life but I doubt it. I'm really really want to recover, that's why I writing this in this section, but I feel like I relapsed and mess up all the things I decided to recover in the dark days of my past that leave me to get in this forum.
