Discussion was anyone else suicidal as a child?

[catmewomeow]

i remember having thoughts as young as 7, but it never really got "serious" until 13 when i started actively trying to harm myself. though, ive tried to CTB a couple times when i was younger than that with pills i randomly found. i once told someone this in an attempt to show that my thoughts isnt just a phase and its something thats lingered at the back of my mind since forever, but got laughed at. i was just wondering if anyone else was suicidal when they were a child too.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, suffered from clinical depression all my life. My first attempt at 9 years old. Tried cutting my wrist, yet nothing serious, more like a deep scratch really.

 

[Tobacco]

I was attending elementary school in the evening at first. Then I had to change school and this time I had to go in the morning. I remember, everytime my dad came up to wake me up I started thinking how I desired to die in that instant because I wasn't well rested. But I didn't think of that through the day.

 

[SmollMushroom]

No, my childhood has been the best time of my life, despite bad things happening to me.
My personal hell began when I became a teen, and after that things only got worse.

In any case, I'm very sorry to hear your stories. I can't imagine a child wanting to take their own life. It's such a cursed thing... Children deserve better.

 

[dragonofenvy]

i remember having thoughts as young as 7, but it never really got "serious" until 13 when i started actively trying to harm myself. though, ive tried to CTB a couple times when i was younger than that with pills i randomly found. i once told someone this in an attempt to show that my thoughts isnt just a phase and its something thats lingered at the back of my mind since forever, but got laughed at. i was just wondering if anyone else was suicidal when they were a child too.

I first tried to CTB at age 8 due to having a bad home and school life. Only got mildly better when I moved schools at 12 but by then the damage was done. I also got dismissed when I would say that it's been around forever. I was told it was just a temporary impulse. Easy to say when they didn't live it.

 

[weisel]

I've been suicidal since u was 12-13. I met a guy who was suicidal at 7 too.

 

[DeadlineDialer]

Been shitty my entire life, but have an incredibly vivid memory of being 7 years old, I don't even remember what I had done, but I was getting yelled at. I remember sitting alone in my hallway staring at myself in the mirror crying and all I could think about was "I need to get out of here, I want to end all of this". I burned through program after program and countless therapists for years all the while being resented for being too difficult to deal with. I had to have been about 10 or so when I finally told a teacher that I was going to do it, and they tossed me into a ward I still have flashbacks of to this day. Flash forward some odd years later I'm still in the same boat, nothing really changed. I haven't attempted since high school, but I know now that if I'm going to do it, I have to do it right, failing is worse than anything death has to offer.

People who say it's a temporary problem aren't just ignorant, they're crass and tactless.

 

[starry Milky Way]

Have been suicidal for like as long as I can remember. I only started to make serious attempts recently, but I do remember making plans or having passive thought as far back as 9?

 

[february in alaska]

Yep, and it scares me because of how young I was. I don't even know why, since my childhood overall was really fine. I remember trying to cut my throat open with scissors in first grade and being sent to the principal's office because my teacher was so distressed. I also remember in my second grade, I would play these weird "suicide games" with my best friend and she would try and help me figure out ways to die... which sounds morbid, but was pretty harmless and hilarious in practice. Our most promising attempts included trying to run me over with a rolling chair in her living room and shooting me with a bb gun.

It's bizarre to think back on, but it also makes me think that something has always been fundamentally wrong with my brain, and that suicide was always going to be how it ended.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, since I was 10. Partly because a lot of deaths in my close family by then. But the main motivator at that stage was growing up with someone I believe to be a narcissist. I've never felt as unhappy as I did at that point. Ideation never really went away after that. It has been intense at other times but, never like that.

I've always thought of ideation like that quote from the film, 'The Matrix'. It's like 'a splinter in your mind'. I believe that, once you have become comfortable with the idea of killing yourself, it's always there. It becomes a fall back, an oasis, even a tease at times- because it can seem so easy to think about but, so difficult to do.

 

[larastoned]

Yes, my first attempt was at 6 years old. Although a huge factor of that was the abuse I endured.

 

[cosifantutti]

I find these posts heartbreaking. To be suicidal as a child is so very sad.
What sort of world is this where children want to kill themselves?

This saying, 'it'll be okay in the end and if it's not okay it's not the end' is one of the many insulting phrases that people come out with.

All the suffering that people on this site experience is, as I said, heartbreaking. I do find believing in God increasingly difficult.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have no memories of ever wishing to exist, only the thought of ceasing to exist has ever comforted me. In my case I'm just not meant to exist in this cruel and dreadful world so it makes sense wishing to be permanently at peace, there is no value in the mistake that is existence.

 

[ddn.ctb]

I don't have an exact age where I first thought about it. My first attempt was when I was 15 and I know I had been thinking about it for a long time. It feels right that maybe it started or came into the forefront along with puberty - 12=13 age range

 

[tiredone]

First attempt at 8 or 9. Tried to poison myself. Few more until 20s. Alcoholic mother, unwanted accident.

 

[sadidiot0328]

i remember having thoughts as young as 7, but it never really got "serious" until 13 when i started actively trying to harm myself. though, ive tried to CTB a couple times when i was younger than that with pills i randomly found. i once told someone this in an attempt to show that my thoughts isnt just a phase and its something thats lingered at the back of my mind since forever, but got laughed at. i was just wondering if anyone else was suicidal when they were a child too.

I was young too, but I didnt really know what suicide was. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[a_depressed_lizard]

I don't think I was every genuinely suicidal, but I did often tell myself that if I didn't reach a lamppost in 10 seconds or whatever while I was walking I would kill myself and other random stuff like that, but its not like I would've ever really acted on it

 

[TheRottingContinues]

Well I wasn't "suicidal" per se but the first time I thought to kill myself was at 9 years old.

 

[pochii]

when i first learned about death it was all i could think about, i cant remember the age but i know I was very young. It scared me so much but it also made me think what the point of it all was. A couple years later in middle school I started getting very very bad anxiety and sadness and I started self harm with sewing needles my mom had. I'd show my cuts to some friends i had in middle school and theyd stick the needles through the scabs. My self harm and suicidal thoughts started young but I woudlnt attempt until freshman year of highschool.

 

[certified_idiot]

I remember there was a time in my life where I thought killing yourself was stupid. Wasn't living supposed to be everyone's priority? I think I was 5 or 6. I don't really remember much about my childhood, or even my life in general. I've spent most of it in a dissociative haze. I'm neurodivergent, most likely ASD and/or ADHD, so I've always felt different and less then other people. My first memories are of me being yelled at by my parents and teachers. My suicidal ideation started when I was 7. It was kinda a shit year for me, and I barely remember it, but I just wanted it all to end. It was entirely passive, I wasn't gonna do anything, but I didn't want to not die. It became active when I was 10. My mom lectured me about something at the end of the day when I was about to go to bed. I think I spilled something. It wasn't the first time that happened, but my mom said that she was going to tell my dad, and he was more strict about messes. When she went away, something snapped. I wanted that to be the last time something like that happened, and I knew that it would continue for the rest of my life. I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I thought that if I was dead my parents would be sad enough to not be mad at me. I tried to suffocate myself with my blanket. I tied it around my mouth and nose and hoped that I'd stop breathing. However, blankets do not provide a tight enough seal for something like that to be effective. I couldn't have known that though because I wasn't that aware of suicide as a concept. I started self-harming with pins when I was 12. I would stick them into my skin, and I could do it at school because no one ever noticed. I transitioned to knives when I was 13. It was a lot more effective because one of the main reasons for my self-harm was to feel like I had control over something, along with the need to punish myself. Knives actually drew blood, so I started using them instead of pins.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

No not as a child. But I was depressed

 

[Kit1]

I don't think I knew what suicide was till I was about 10. However I was running away feom home feom the age of 3 or 4 to the sea - not sure why. My first attempt was when I was 14. I think I always wanted to die (or not being here) for as long as I can remember - to escape abuse, bit I honestly cannot remember as I was non verbal till the age of 6 and I have been dissociating all my life which is badically what kept me alive and which is now what might inevitably lead me to my end.

 

[mafuyu]

my mom called me fat every morning and made fun of me when i was 8/9 years old, and i always wished i could die then

kids bullied me, parents were both abusive, wanted to die a lot around age 10

i think it hit its first peak at age 12

 

[lessthanperfect]

I had passive suicidal thoughts when I was in kindergarten and by the time I was 11-12, I would often pray to God to let me die young.

I didn't try hurting myself until I was 15, but I was 14 when I first started experiencing suicidal thoughts the way I do now (in like vivid images of

Spoiler

slitting my throat

or

Spoiler

shooting myself in the head

). Somehow I made it 6 months of constant suicidal ideation before I ever hurt myself.

Weirdly enough, I tried to CTB before I ever cut myself because I was afraid of blood (it obviously didn't work because I didn't do my research and I used 8 Tylenols thinking it would actually do anything).

I grew up autistic and only had my two best friends in pre-school, so when I started kindergarten and my only friend was making new ones while I wasn't it all went downhill from there.

I haven't had a single person I'd consider a "best friend" since because no one actually knows me (even though I've been considered a best friend by other three people who only knew my masking and not me because no one does).

 

[melancholia_melodia]

When I was 13, I almost jumped off the third floor of my middle school building. So I guess I was suicidal as a child too.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The first time I thought about wanting to die was when I was around 8 but I didn't start actively planning out a suicide attempt until I was around 14.

 

[edu0z]

I didn't know what it was called suicide at that time... I just wanted to disappear, run away, death seemed like a pleasant option.

 

[tunnelV]

Yes 11 but like you, 13 it got worse.

 

[notherenotnow]

I always thought a lot about suicide. At 9 years old i tried to ctb by poisoning, but i gave up after a few tries. But even before that, i often thought about peoplr like kurt cobain and his suicide. I used to dream abiut dying in the same way as him.

 

[Zora099]

Yes, I remember I started self harming when I was around 10, at 12 I tried to kill myself a few times, also by pills. After that the thought of suicide never really left my mind, but I never tried like "tried" it again. You know, some reckless decisions now and then, eating things that I shouldnt eat, didnt look when crossing the street hoping that a car would kill me and stuff like that, but didn't have another serious attempt.