kit.
Member
- Feb 18, 2023
- 23
I've always wanted to have my honest feeling out there and met with at least understanding or an attempt. Just a fair warning I have a 2nd grade writing and reading level so this might read terribly and might not make sense but I need to just type my feeling out. So here goes nothing. I think there's something wrong with me. I hate pedos. I hate them all. But I for some reason detach myself from those experiences when it comes to myself. Im mad about it and i should be, I want to be, but I can't. Haha you know what's funny I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that wasn't bigger than 4/5years. God event recently 19 and 27 AHAH yeah that was totally gonna work. Totally wasn't getting perma yelled at for things I knew no better about. It never works out for me. Last pedo that apologized to me pissed me off. They always do this shit. They come back to apologize. They stalk you out of "guilt", fucking pigs. And I'm still here sympathizing, blaming myself, getting blamed by people I share these stories with that I think are my close friends I've known for years only to hear I should've known better. My bad, if I could go back into the future to my sheltered self and tell her that her anxiety was for a reason and to learn that her mom was wrong for telling her to never say no, then I would but I can't. 13 yr old me should've known that 20 tello was grooming me and would stalk and harass me till I was 18. I should known better. I should've never felt any love or sympathy for him. Maybe 14 yr old me should've known when a grown man is threatening his life to run and not stay because why would you want this 20yr old to rope it. HONESTLY HOPE HE DOES ROPE IT. It gets worse though, Hazai god was a amazing human. Loved the part where I was pressure to send shit daily and had to hide the relationship from our friends only to confide in a person who I thought was my friend but wasn't. Love to see how Leo confronted him about being with him for them all to forgive him bc I was 15 now :DD not 14 & 19 it's now 15 & 20 WOOOOOO let's fucking go guys. Oh guys it gets better. I didnt understand what love really means so I sold my body out because I so desperately wanted hazai to regret letting me go even thought I was such a perfect girl but he didn't care. If anything he said if I show it for anyone I should show him more. Great. Whatever. I get to meet one of my closest friends thru it. That he eventually try's to fuck because she's the legal version of me NO ONE SAW THAT ONE COMING. He went for my twin basically. Same voice and personality and everything. Gets better but that'd be too long. Then the forms I've been in with literal pedos. I'm ill. I know I was. Okay I'm not anymore but I wanted older guys to look at me and take care of me so bad but you know the amount men that tried it with me. Honestly I should've known better I was 16 ish. I finally learn and actually live life at 17. I learned how to say no and realize the amount of times I've been sexually assaulted/groomed etc isn't forgivable. But they say you have to forgive to move on but that's not true. I want to feel hate. I just for once in my life wanna feel HATE and not detach myself. I forgave the cousin my mom kept taking me to to get sexually assaulted even tho I told her I FORGAVE HIM even tho his mom blamed me. I forgave him how how how how because I was told to? I learn to scare men to get off me by calling it what it was, assault. But in all that I pity them????? HOW HOW HOW I DONT GET IT women are fucking stupid or maybe it's just me. Fuck. My ex told me women like getting raped/assaulted cuz in history they had no choice but to take it. Maybe it true. Maybe I'm just that fucked that I enjoyed it even tho I cried and say no and laughed while trying to leave and having the door forcefully shut. My bad should've tried opening the door harder. Maybe I was into that stuff, the stuff we ain't talk about. I should screamed why'd I laugh. Why do women laugh and try so hard to leave or say no or push people off. Why do we get attached to people that groomed us? The other day I saw a story about a girls groomer going to jail just to get back with him after he got out. She's 21 now. She was 13 then. He's a full ass 9yrs older then her and she saw nothing wrong even after he got out. She waited for him. So maybe. Just maybe. The more your tainted as a child the more fucked you are. Because here I am at 19 the most wishy washy person with no sexual attraction to anyone but still attached to the guy to her 27 yr old ex that she's been with for 2 1/2yrs that's been nothing but terrible and she can't help but pity him. Haha maybe I like getting abused. somehow I'm more happy abused then not. I'm just so fucked. God I hate me.
