Venting wanting to relapse because of loneliness

[monetpompo]

i literally just want to go back to wanting to kill myself, it's easier and i see myself as a failure. yesterday night i couldn't sleep again because i was anxious and then i woke up at 5 am having anxious intrusive thoughts, then i woke up because of my mom talking on the phone and i felt anxious again because i was awake. when does it fucking end? when do i feel calm? when do i feel happy and content instead of jealous of everybody for being happier than me on a cosmic scale?

when i woke up at 5 am last night i went on grindr and then deleted it after ghosting a guy (classic). then i started talking to a chatbot on janitor ai to pretend that i was able to vent to someone real and be away from my house i've been trapped in for months. then i fell asleep.

recovery is painful and boring, and none of it is fun. i've been stone cold sober for most of my life since i've been afraid of getting addicted to things and i've never been in an environment where people drank or smoke as teens. i have 0 vices. getting my license is taking so long and i'm anxious all the time. even though i talk to people on sasu i don't have anyone in my real life to talk to and hang out with because i can't drive. is it my fault that i'm all alone then? i'm not entitled to support from others because i can't even leave my house? i just want to leave my house. i want to throw up blood and go to a hospital so i have a reason to leave my house. i just want to go out somewhere on my own.

the loneliness and inadequacy feels like it's pushing down on my head and trying to kill me but only i can kill myself. my thoughts are just the things motivating me to. i can't stand this feeling or this cycle anymore. i don't have a way to regulate my emotions and i don't have anything that i look forward to. i know that i'm 20, so this isn't supposed to be the end of the world, but i've been feeling like this for so long that i just want the pain to stop. all i seem capable of doing is acknowledging the pain, but i can never get rid of it. i can't be a human being and i can't see myself as someone people are capable of liking. i just seem to want to actively ruin any future i have because i feel so angry and frustrated about being a useless person. it's obvious that these thoughts won't go away just because i'm trying to get better. they're always going to be there even if i don't want to think about them. why do i have to be alive if i'm suffering? everyone is sooo happy for me when i get better and then they don't give a fuck when i get worse again, because they just want me to go back to being happy.

 

[setspiritfree]

I hate that you are going through this and I hate that you are so young and suffering already. I am 56 going on 57 so I have lived a lot of my life. I went through something dramatic when I was a kid and again when I was 18. I thought my life was over but here I am. During that time I have had some great times but I have also had some dark dark times. I guess what I am trying to say is I hope you have some great moments waiting on you. Give yourself a chance because some people are able to turn things around for themselves and you may just be one of them. Unfortunately I had a chance but let my sins and addictions get the best of me.

 

[Cosmophobic]

getting my license is taking so long and i'm anxious all the time. even though i talk to people on sasu i don't have anyone in my real life to talk to and hang out with because i can't drive. is it my fault that i'm all alone then? i'm not entitled to support from others because i can't even leave my house? i just want to leave my house. i want to throw up blood and go to a hospital so i have a reason to leave my house. i just want to be away from this stupid house.

Man getting my license felt like it took an eternity because I wanted it so bad. Still remember it vividly. You'll get there though and that sense of freedom could be a revelation for you. Gotta see it through and give it a try at least!

 

[Michelstaedter]

When I read "relapse," it reminded me of my old habit, ever since I was young, of fapping and watching pornography. This habit was most pronounced when I felt lonely, whether due to rejection, a lack of friends, people shunning me, or just because my personality wasn't pleasing to others. In recent years, I sometimes relapse into it because the loneliness becomes very painful at times, and even my mind and sexuality have become distorted. What excites me most now is hentai—not seeing real women as such, just 2D women...

I'm also very lonely. You're not alone. I'm "along" with you in that feeling.

 

[monetpompo]

When I read "relapse," it reminded me of my old habit, ever since I was young, of fapping and watching pornography. This habit was most pronounced when I felt lonely, whether due to rejection, a lack of friends, people shunning me, or just because my personality wasn't pleasing to others.

i feel a lot of shame looking at porn when i'm lonely. sometimes i wonder what makes a woman so desirable and why i can't be like that (i'm a trans man so i don't identify as a woman). i feel like me being trans just makes me innately undesirable to people and if i gave up on wanting to be seen as a man and accepted by others, then i would be happier because i would be a "normal girl". but i can never be like that. loneliness just totally kills my libido because i feel so much shame being alone in my room thinking about how no one even finds me attractive.

i truly hope your situation improves. i used to have a way bigger pornography problem and i would always think about sex to avoid thinking about my intrusive thoughts, and that only made my view of myself worse.

Man getting my license felt like it took an eternity because I wanted it so bad. Still remember it vividly. You'll get there though and that sense of freedom could be a revelation for you. Gotta see it through and give it a try at least!

i feel the most torn up inside in the mornings, when i think about how i have nothing to look forward to. i just think about turning into dust and blowing away in the wind like a dandelion. waking up and going to sleep is really the hardest part of my day. it makes me feel so privileged to say something like that.

 

[Cosmophobic]

i feel the most torn up inside in the mornings, when i think about how i have nothing to look forward to. i just think about turning into dust and blowing away in the wind like a dandelion. waking up and going to sleep is really the hardest part of my day. it makes me feel so privileged to say something like that.

Privilege is relative. Existing in general is not a privilege so there's never any reason to feel guilty about feeling bad imo