Wanting to kill myself from embarrassment about my past?

[esasami]

I was really awkward and embarrassing and socially obtrusive when I was younger and it pretty much still haunts me (I'm 23). I've gotten much, much better socially over the last few years by learning normal behavior through my peers at uni and I'm mostly fine now. But it feels criminal how undersocialized I was. It keeps me up at night. It's a fact beyond any doubt that I was absolutely horribly embarrassing through age 18 or so and I'm just crippled by it emotionally. It feels like a mark that will follow me around forever even though I think I'm more or less past most of the problems I had before. Whenever I remember how embarrassing I was I get extreme somatic pain in my chest and feel awful for hours after. I don't know how to reconcile with this. I'm obsessed with it. It makes me feel like I'm forsaken and it is easily the biggest factor in my suicide ideation.

Does anyone relate to this? It's a problem I've never encountered anyone else having but I also imagine others aren't eager to speak about it openly. Also, sorry if this is the wrong forum, I wasn't sure where to put this. I had posted it to the recovery forum at first but it seems to fit better here,

 

[Natty]

I can relate in a lot of ways, I think what you're experiencing is a lot more common than people generally think and is really only acknowledged in mainstream spaces via depression memes.

If I spend to long in the shower my brain gets filled with every horrible social interaction I've ever had, and in the past it's been near constant at times and often literally debilitating.

Here's the thing though:

Most people (and I mean the vast, VAST majority) never really get to the self-aware part where they can see what they did wrong, how they are currently better, and is still learning from the past. I promise you, this is rare at your age and rare with someone ho is having struggles enough to find this place.

You're doing better than you think, and you are definitely not alone.

 

[Amumu]

I can relate a lot, I've always been awkward and it hasn't improved that much tbh (I'm 22)

 

[esasami]

I appreciate the responses. It feels especially bad for me with the emphasis on social obtrusion in particular. I was (not always, but often enough) the kid calling out awkward things from the back of class, for example. That type of thing is really the crux of it. If I was just awkward and embarrassing as a person that kept to himself when he could I would probably be able to get over it. My awkwardness having been bound up with naive attention seeking type behavior is what really makes it hard to get past T_T

 

[spiderlily]

I (21) would often find myself laying in bed with every moment I hated myself during from the past flash before my eyes. A lot of times, it comes unexpectedly. Eg: watches haircut video -> thinks about a friend's haircut -> thinks about that one insignificant moment I was socially inept with someone many years ago after they got a haircut lol -> cue not sleeping and slew of more ugly thoughts.

I'm glad you see your current self in a better light. I'll also say, as someone with social anxiety, it's easy to forget that I'm probably the only one who hates myself, and my past self especially, so much. The others involved probably don't remember your faulty moments, so why beat yourself up over it when you've improved so much? Sometimes, they're equally, if not more, embarrassed of their own behavior. I remember getting a random apology 8 months after an incident that often kept me up at night. You're definitely not alone.

 

[esasami]

I (21) would often find myself laying in bed with every moment I hated myself during from the past flash before my eyes. A lot of times, it comes unexpectedly. Eg: watches haircut video -> thinks about a friend's haircut -> thinks about that one insignificant moment I was socially inept with someone many years ago after they got a haircut lol -> cue not sleeping and slew of more ugly thoughts.

I'm glad you see your current self in a better light. I'll also say, as someone with social anxiety, it's easy to forget that I'm probably the only one who hates myself, and my past self especially, so much. The others involved probably don't remember your faulty moments, so why beat yourself up over it when you've improved so much? Sometimes, they're equally, if not more, embarrassed of their own behavior. I remember getting a random apology 8 months after an incident that often kept me up at night. You're definitely not alone.

Thank you for the advice. Part of the problem, though, is that I know that I'm an especially bad case and people probably really would remember even after all these years. It's really hard to come to terms with that.

 

[articledon]

I understand you, when I was in school I masked it, everybody thought I was just the cool silent artistic type...nah I was a introvert and socially awkward

 

[spiderlily]

Thank you for the advice. Part of the problem, though, is that I know that I'm an especially bad case and people probably really would remember even after all these years. It's really hard to come to terms with that.

To be honest, even in university I had horrid social anxiety. I couldn't talk to my teammates properly due to low self esteem and it felt like everyone knew me as timid or lame or inept haha. But most were good people, and even though it still bugs me random nights, I realized I can handle the worst case scenario. What is the worst case scenario/fear to you? That they'll trash talk about you? That they'll think you're weird? Then, how would that affect you?

 

[WornOutLife]

My past haunts me from time to time but I just think of how pointless it's to think about that and get better.

If I really wanna change something, then doing my best in the present is the solution.

Just like you, I'm better than my past self. I wish things had been different but those days are over.

I'm still suicidal, though. My problem is constant, present and daily existence.

 

[NotHuman]

While I'm somewhat better now, the problem is it's too little too late. I was ostracized for so long that I never had an opportunity to establish a foundation as a human being.

At that age, discourse was driven by childhood fads, daily school life, girls, etc. At my age, discourse is driven by your accomplishments and your possessions. I just can't compete in the humblebragging arena. I haven't traveled outside of the country with an incredible girlfriend or finished adding something to a 4 bedroom house I own or had a boisterous night with my large pack of friends at the bar or had a major development in my illustrious profession.

As a result, social opportunities have nearly completely dried up and I'm afraid I missed the bus on friendship and romance. Anybody I could interact with in the few venues I have left has already long established their life and social network. Don't see how self-esteem is even possible now given how I've been completely left behind.

Used to at least have an online friend to regularly play video games with, but he's nearly completely faded away now that he has a wife and kids to do that with.

 

[Makko]

You're thinking about this backwards. You're embarrassed about your past because you've developed so much that your past self looks painfully inadequate. This is a good thing. It shows that you've grown. Real hopelessness doesn't come from a bad past, it comes from a bad future. It's much better to have your problems in the past than in the future.

Reflect on the journey you've made and how much taller you stand now than you did before. Imagine the good things that your growth as a person will bring you. This is something to be proud of, not be anguished about. Imagine how much worse off you would have been if you were still the bumbling, self-unaware dunce you were before, and how little you'd have to look forward to in life. That's the life situation where suicide helps.

Suicide is for protecting yourself from a painful future that you don't want. If you look forward and instead see good things in your future, then suicide is throwing away the rewards of your hard work. You'd have suffered for nothing.

 

[GarageKarate07]

I was really awkward and embarrassing and socially obtrusive when I was younger and it pretty much still haunts me (I'm 23). I've gotten much, much better socially over the last few years by learning normal behavior through my peers at uni and I'm mostly fine now. But it feels criminal how undersocialized I was. It keeps me up at night. It's a fact beyond any doubt that I was absolutely horribly embarrassing through age 18 or so and I'm just crippled by it emotionally. It feels like a mark that will follow me around forever even though I think I'm more or less past most of the problems I had before. Whenever I remember how embarrassing I was I get extreme somatic pain in my chest and feel awful for hours after. I don't know how to reconcile with this. I'm obsessed with it. It makes me feel like I'm forsaken and it is easily the biggest factor in my suicide ideation.

Does anyone relate to this? It's a problem I've never encountered anyone else having but I also imagine others aren't eager to speak about it openly. Also, sorry if this is the wrong forum, I wasn't sure where to put this. I had posted it to the recovery forum at first but it seems to fit better here,

Forgive yourself. It's not easy. It may take some time. Learn to forgive yourself. ❤

 

[enuff]

hey all, i feel ya. i been socially awkward all my life. finally went to a shrink and was diagnosed with asperger's. never heard of it before, so started researching it and yeah, all the things i read are me. so then i had a name for it, and i could identify the things that i say and do as a symptom of my disorder. so now it's official, i'm fucked up. but i'm sadly surprised though that none of your posts in this thread mention the word aspergers. i'm no expert, though i do have experience, that you can blame some of your idiosyncrasies on a disorder you may or may not be aware of. check it out. get diagnosed. you might not feel better that you have an incurable disorder, but i found comfort knowing how and why i'm fucked up, and maybe you will too.

 

[enuff]

hey thanks for the @articledon. it runs in the family for me too, on my mother's side of the family. if got some fucked up cousins, thats for sure. i know it's not an easy thing to get checked for it. may be easier to just keep your mask on (that has a whole different meaning these days, but ykwim). better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. yeah, i've tried that and failed soooo many times. open mouth, insert foot. lol. laugh at myself, or cry.