Venting wanting to die before the new year

[monetpompo]

i'm actually terrified of waking up and having it be january 1st. i'm supposed to have my life back together by then and enroll back in my community college, even though i planned on hanging myself over the summer. the summer heat just made it too hard to kill myself because i would feel so sweaty that i would just want to go home, or i would receive a text from someone and use it as an excuse to not kill myself. it was stupid of me to back out, since i could've just stayed in the woods a little longer and died already. the woods are also just scary at night. there's dogs howling and it's extremely dark when there's so many trees. i still remember the first time in the forest and i was trying to do partial hanging for the first time but fucking it up. i wish that i'd just died then, to save myself the grief of being alive. i kept on getting ubers into the woods and trying to map out how i would do it in my head, but eventually i had no money for ubers anymore because my sister used my card while she was on a trip with her friends and to buy herself lunches at college.

pretty much the only way i can get money again is by landing myself a job or going back to community college. i tried to look into escorting but i think i'm too lazy. i had a few mental breakdowns over the summer and researched stuff about being a sugar baby or advertising myself as an escort online, but the thought made me anxious. i also don't want to do onlyfans since i'm not very good at taking photos of myself. i only have a couple dollars in my card right now, but i'm trying to live with it. my dad's kind of disappointed in me for never having any money saved.

i think that a big part of me really doesn't care if my life gets better this month or next month because since january i've had a plan to kill myself, only to get blindsided by how difficult it really is. i think about it every morning still, right after i wake up. some days i regret being here because it feels like i stayed alive for no reason, even if i had people telling me not to kill myself. it just seems like they expected me to find a reason to live as long as i stayed alive, but i didn't. my life still sucks and i'm still dealing with the same circumstances that lead to my depression. it's hard for me to understand the pro-lifer mentality that being alive will always be better than dying when they're typically talking to you when their life is in a better place than yours.

some mornings i wish that i could just walk in the street, crack my head on the sidewalk, and die instantly. but daydreaming about it does me no good. i'm still here.

 

[Lest3]

I was supposed to have my life back together by august and now, 3 months later, im just rotting alone again

 

[Mooncry]

In that same boat. I never wanted to see 2025, let alone 2026. I just want to be done already, but I just… can't. I can't even say why I can't anymore, because I genuinely don't know. I just can't.

 

[itsgone2]

Yeah Jan 1 sounds terrifying. I keep putting it off too. I hate it.

 

[monetpompo]

In that same boat. I never wanted to see 2025, let alone 2026. I just want to be done already, but I just… can't. I can't even say why I can't anymore, because I genuinely don't know. I just can't.

it's kind of like a primal fear. it would really suck to be alive for one more year but i also need to work up the courage to die in the first place. i don't see anything worth hoping for in the new year. i still want to die pretty much every day to avoid facing tomorrow. i envy the people who have the money to kill themselves.