Wanting to ctb regardless of mood/emotions

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Even when you experience fleeting bursts of happiness, or longterm contentment, do you still want to ctb?

Lately I have had more peace of mind from having a university break, lots of appreciation from my best friend, and finding some good music to distract myself from the pain. However, that happiness has enabled me to ponder my decision and further cement the idea that I need to take my own life.

No matter what I do, my chronic pain and illness will not go away. Rationally, logically, I know this is something I do not want to live with. No amount of joy compensates for the maladies. There's no method to this madness. It is bittersweet because I do have a couple of people I care for deeply, but as long as I stay alive, I will hurt them worse by making them witness my deterioration.

I feel sad because I will never be able to accomplish my dream of getting a PhD and being a scientist, yet, none of this will matter when I am chilling in the eternal void, so why should I fret?

People like to frame ctb as an irrational choice made in the heat of the moment. They believe it is a completely emotional decision not founded in logic or reason. However my experience is the opposite. When I have a reasonable amount of mental clarity, it only solidifies my decision.

What do you think?

 

[Breakout92]

I'm the same way, no matter how happy I feel I still want to ctb. It is definitely a logical decision for me; I also have an incurable health problem that I've put up with for 7 years, and I just can't put up with that for another 60 or however many years until a natural death. Especially when that's combined with my mental health problems that again, can't be cured but can only be coped with.

The fact that it's a 100% logical, reasoned decision for me makes me more at peace with the choice to ctb.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Not one single second where I would not have pressed the red button for five years. Even during meditative peace or when drunk.

 

[WornOutLife]

I feel just like you, Kuri-sama. I totally agree with your words.
That's why I've said several times that even if I became a millonaire and found the love of my life, I would still be suicidal. It's just part of me.
I can be VERY happy sometimes but in the end, I'm not comfortable with existing in this world and getting older. I just want time to stop or at least stop aging and it might be then that I would decide not to ctb lol.

 

[DarkWolf]

I'm permanentely suicidal every day for years and years. I don't think I've even been happy.

 

[Amumu]

I've just almost gathered the items for a method and I wouldn't ctb if my mood were positive personally, I would wait for it to change.
But that's just me. Why wouldn't you be able to get a PhD btw? You seem to be a clever woman.

 

[SentientCreature]

Yeah, I feel the same way. I keep getting frustrated with people who demand justification for my desire to not exist. I just want to tell them that the will to live requires just as much justification. Yes, they have evolutionary biology on their side and they won't hesitate to point that out but all it does is explain that we're descendants of those who had a strong survival instinct and that there are genetic influences on our behavior. Going from that fact to the claim that we ought to live isn't justified. They may only claim that our lack of desire to live is peculiar and unexpected but even that is up for discussion.

I too used to have goals that I no longer believe I can achieve. I'm 5 exams away from obtaining a bachelor's degree in computer science and the plan was to then go into the field of machine learning and artifical intelligence. I remember a few months ago when I had my SN I just kept convincing myself to pass one more exam and I thought that maybe if it went well I would regain my will to live. And so linear algebra went well and I thought "huh, maybe I'm not that incompetent after all" and the feeling would last for a day or two and then I'd go back to feeling miserable. The same happened with a few more exams and then I had to stop and reevaluate my life. I realized that all of my pursuits lead only to fleeting sensations. Besides there's no point in dabbling with pure math when I'm incapable of ever putting it to a good use.

 

[demuic]

I think my desire might be to CTB when I'm in a "good" mood, and not feeling miserable, that way I have a feeling of content and peace in my final moments.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I've just almost gathered the items for a method and I wouldn't ctb if my mood were positive personally, I would wait for it to change.
But that's just me. Why wouldn't you be able to get a PhD btw? You seem to be a clever woman.

I really wish something good would come your way, you deserve it. If I was feeling up to it maybe we could play a game together sometime, to distract you from this hell that we call life.

Right now I am struggling to get by in my bachelor's, they expect a lot from me and even with disability paperwork, nothing changes. The results that are demanded from me are the same as those that a healthy, able bodied human would produce.

I can't tolerate stress cause my body is so weak, I can barely do things around the house much less attend in person classes. My mind used to be sharp but is growing duller by the day due to illness. It feels like I'm being punished by Biology.

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

I feel you. Through years of any kind of existential crisis good mood, happiness even - is just mental convulsion, after which i feel just more meaningless of existence, somehow.

But I so hope you'll get your time for bachelor's. It's good reason to go through. From my pasts bachelor's work - expectations of scientific director was not so high as I imagined, they just know that bachelor candidate have not most of needed expirience anyway.

Sending hugs