Discussion wanting to ctb but also trying to live

[Suicidal Ideation]

recently i have been stuck in this weird limbo if you could call it that, where im actively suicidal but also trying to do things for myself after many many months of not caring about myself at all. it feels as if i can do it any moment but i keep postponing it. I have also been weirdly less restless compared to last month where i was practically withering away to the weight that weighed on me due to my depression. i now constantly have recurring thoughts about ctb while also having a better way of living.

i am confused. i dont know what it means. i heard people tend to become more energetic and social coming up to the days of their suicide. could it be i'm ready to do it at any moment now? is it SI? do i want to live deep down?

 

[Unwr!tten]

I get that same way, honestly. It's like for me, I don't WANT to die, but if/when there's nothing left for me, I won't just suffer. I see Duicide as my final solution, though I don't want to die, it's the lesser of two evils when compared to suffering.

 

[Suicidal Ideation]

I get that same way, honestly. It's like for me, I don't WANT to die, but if/when there's nothing left for me, I won't just suffer. I see Duicide as my final solution, though I don't want to die, it's the lesser of two evils when compared to suffering.

maybe i just dont know what i want anymore

 

[Letmedienow]

I want to be alive but not in this type of world If I could magically make everyone kind, end homeless and hunger, stop abuse (animal and human) and fix the climate then I would stay and work on my traumas. But it all feels pointless because even if I could work past what has happened to me and be happy again I'd still have to live in this disgusting world. So it feels like dying is the best way out of the pain.

 

[jbear824]

I want to die. But only because living for me just means more suffering and I don't want to suffer anymore. But society sees me as expendable so has no interest in changing anything to make the lives of people like me easier and more bearable. I want to die because it's better than what I'll be condemned to if I live on.

If there were more options for people like me to have a better quality of life, maybe I would be more willing to do the life thing. But I see now that because I can't function in this society the way the majority of people do, I am to die horribly in destitution and homelessness, with the added bonus of watching my partner suffer as well.

I'm in so much mental torment all the time over my life situation and how impossible to fix it is, and what that means will happen to us. And all my providers don't understand that I basically need help accepting that society is throwing me away to die. And that it's going to hurt a lot.

At this point I'm hoping the transition into homelessness just robs my body of its will to live and I just go to sleep one day in the tent and never wake up. But that also means my partner would be all alone and that terrifies me.

Life is fucked and I can't take it anymore.

 

[Suicidal Ideation]

im starting to feel like if i had SN in front of me right now i can end it all for good right away

 

[FuneralCry]

I think only you know if you really want to ctb but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[cosifantutti]

I want to die. But only because living for me just means more suffering and I don't want to suffer anymore. But society sees me as expendable so has no interest in changing anything to make the lives of people like me easier and more bearable. I want to die because it's better than what I'll be condemned to if I live on.

If there were more options for people like me to have a better quality of life, maybe I would be more willing to do the life thing. But I see now that because I can't function in this society the way the majority of people do, I am to die horribly in destitution and homelessness, with the added bonus of watching my partner suffer as well.

I'm in so much mental torment all the time over my life situation and how impossible to fix it is, and what that means will happen to us. And all my providers don't understand that I basically need help accepting that society is throwing me away to die. And that it's going to hurt a lot.

At this point I'm hoping the transition into homelessness just robs my body of its will to live and I just go to sleep one day in the tent and never wake up. But that also means my partner would be all alone and that terrifies me.

Life is fucked and I can't take it anymore.

I feel really sorry for you. I hope that somehow things improve.