Venting Wanting to CTB again after over a year

[CrazyMary]

For a bout a year I have been recovering. Suicidal thoughts had vanished. Always in the back burner but not so constant. I got back with my ex last may (Huuge mistake, broke up in march again). Lately little by little I have seen anger creeping back in. Anger for being alive, for living in a world that I consider it´s getting worse every day and a shitty third wold country that only seems to get more into a hell hole daily. Angry for not being able to get any job project of the ground. Angry at failing at a relationship again. Angry at seeing that most of the prospects want to have kids which is an extreme no go for me. Anyway you get the idea, last Sunday I got Covid, the disease wasn´t that bad but the last few days I have been in an awful mood. Extremely angry and thinking about CTB again. It is a differerent way. Before I was depressed and anxious and extremely afraid of the future. Right now I don´t know if I am depressed, I don´t know if I am afraid. I feel more like I don´t give a f"ck about anything anymore. Like I am bored. Like I have arrived to the party and it was fun while it lasted but now I am in the middle age and don´t really care. Don´t care about finding a new partner, don´t care about working and honestly would be happy if a dr told me u have just 6 months to leave. That would save me a bullet or an elevator ride.

It is a different kind of desire to kill myself. I would say more mature and more grounded. More realistic, thought through. My shrink says it might be kind of normal as I can´t really handle frustration and right now due to covid and not being able to get out it just triggered the same situation of fear, anger, etc I had before. Also not socializing and not doing excercise (which helped a lot) might have also affected my mood. But I am not sure.

Anyway, sorry to bore you. Has anyone felt the same "mature" desire to die? Has anyone felt different mentally while they got Covid?

 

[outrider567]

For a bout a year I have been recovering. Suicidal thoughts had vanished. Always in the back burner but not so constant. I got back with my ex last may (Huuge mistake, broke up in march again). Lately little by little I have seen anger creeping back in. Anger for being alive, for living in a world that I consider it´s getting worse every day and a shitty third wold country that only seems to get more into a hell hole daily. Angry for not being able to get any job project of the ground. Angry at failing at a relationship again. Angry at seeing that most of the prospects want to have kids which is an extreme no go for me. Anyway you get the idea, last Sunday I got Covid, the disease wasn´t that bad but the last few days I have been in an awful mood. Extremely angry and thinking about CTB again. It is a differerent way. Before I was depressed and anxious and extremely afraid of the future. Right now I don´t know if I am depressed, I don´t know if I am afraid. I feel more like I don´t give a f"ck about anything anymore. Like I am bored. Like I have arrived to the party and it was fun while it lasted but now I am in the middle age and don´t really care. Don´t care about finding a new partner, don´t care about working and honestly would be happy if a dr told me u have just 6 months to leave. That would save me a bullet or an elevator ride.

It is a different kind of desire to kill myself. I would say more mature and more grounded. More realistic, thought through. My shrink says it might be kind of normal as I can´t really handle frustration and right now due to covid and not being able to get out it just triggered the same situation of fear, anger, etc I had before. Also not socializing and not doing excercise (which helped a lot) might have also affected my mood. But I am not sure.

Anyway, sorry to bore you. Has anyone felt the same "mature" desire to die? Has anyone felt different mentally while they got Covid?

Get back to exercise, can't hurt

 

[Hurt]

While I had covid this year I didnt feel suicidal I just wanted ro recover because I wasn't feeling OK physically. But weeks after I started to feel suicidal again. These thoughts never go away. I don't know if ctb is mature I think in my case is a mental response of my current situation I don't know what else to do to improve my life and I think of that. If exercise helped you then go back to that as user above said. Do all things that make you feel better.

 

[emptyjokes]

For a bout a year I have been recovering. Suicidal thoughts had vanished. Always in the back burner but not so constant. I got back with my ex last may (Huuge mistake, broke up in march again). Lately little by little I have seen anger creeping back in. Anger for being alive, for living in a world that I consider it´s getting worse every day and a shitty third wold country that only seems to get more into a hell hole daily. Angry for not being able to get any job project of the ground. Angry at failing at a relationship again. Angry at seeing that most of the prospects want to have kids which is an extreme no go for me. Anyway you get the idea, last Sunday I got Covid, the disease wasn´t that bad but the last few days I have been in an awful mood. Extremely angry and thinking about CTB again. It is a differerent way. Before I was depressed and anxious and extremely afraid of the future. Right now I don´t know if I am depressed, I don´t know if I am afraid. I feel more like I don´t give a f"ck about anything anymore. Like I am bored. Like I have arrived to the party and it was fun while it lasted but now I am in the middle age and don´t really care. Don´t care about finding a new partner, don´t care about working and honestly would be happy if a dr told me u have just 6 months to leave. That would save me a bullet or an elevator ride.

It is a different kind of desire to kill myself. I would say more mature and more grounded. More realistic, thought through. My shrink says it might be kind of normal as I can´t really handle frustration and right now due to covid and not being able to get out it just triggered the same situation of fear, anger, etc I had before. Also not socializing and not doing excercise (which helped a lot) might have also affected my mood. But I am not sure.

Anyway, sorry to bore you. Has anyone felt the same "mature" desire to die? Has anyone felt different mentally while they got Covid?

I'm glad I'm not the only one that's noticed a difference. My experience with Covid didn't particularly cause me trouble aside from being sick and having to stay home. I have definitely ridden the "rollercoaster" that you're mentioning, feeling suicidal and then feeling better. I'd say the difference between the past and the present is that the solution isn't to get the thoughts out of my head anymore. The solution for me now is to CTB. That's what makes it feel more grounded and mature to me. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope that you can get back to your exercise routine with a new flame. I know that I always felt motivated when I was "getting back to it" with fitness.

 

[CrazyMary]

Get back to exercise, can't hurt

Can´t right now due to covid. I have to wait a week more

 

[outrider567]

Can´t right now due to covid. I have to wait a week more

ok