Jan1193
I want no limitations for my soul
- Sep 18, 2023
- 55
Hello everyone. I had been browsing the forum for weeks, but I only joined and started commenting on threads a few days ago.
Like most people here, I'm thinking and gathering the courage for cbt. Since my mother passed away in November of last year it has been hell staying alive, pretending I'm fine and living alone. My house, where we used to live together, is a disaster, but although I have family who assure that they will be there for whatever I need and invite me to stay with them, I know that they only say it out of kindness. Everyone has their occupations, their jobs, their children and their problems; I don't want to be one more. I don't fit in anywhere, I feel completely irritable and erratic most days, and I've honestly already lost the desire for things to get better in the future, or to undergo psychological and psychiatric treatment, to start over, or to fight for a life that even if it can get better, eventually it will not be happy or worth it. I cannot conceive the single idea of remaining in a world where the only companion who truly loved me and had patience is no longer alive. This world was not created to be kind.
More words, less words. I live in Mexico, and on my worst days I contemplated the idea of doing cbt before November (so as not to have to endure the Day of the Dead, one of my mother's favorite holidays, and her own death anniversary at the end of the same month). December follows and I also wanted to avoid it as much as possible, even if I ruined it for my brother and his family thanks to my decision. But although I already have a preference for a method, I'm still very afraid deep down and I can't specify the date. I know well that I want to die, so that I no longer have to endure the passage of time and the years in oblivion just because others "would be sad" if I'm not longer here, just like her.
How to free myself from fear? How do you do it? I have decided that it doesn't matter if I live alone and I will have complete privacy at my mother's house, I just don't want to take the train there and have my body rotting and contaminating the home that she and my grandparents worked so hard to forge, until someone find me and then leave a new trauma for my older brother. I will book a hotel room and do what I have to do there, after leaving a relevant amount of money for my brother to take care of everything that I couldn't and won't be able to do. I have come to the conclusion that it would be noble if I could hold out until January, after the holidays and well before my nephew's birthday (February), so as not to spoil anything for them. My determination is more or less firm depending on the day, sometimes more because of the fear that I already mentioned that I really want to continue enduring loneliness and despair. I appreciate the supportive comments, and thanks in advance.
Likewise, if there is someone who speaks Spanish who wants to make contact, I will be happy to talk and provide support to each other, both from my country and from other Spanish-speaking countries. My english is a trash, haha.
Like most people here, I'm thinking and gathering the courage for cbt. Since my mother passed away in November of last year it has been hell staying alive, pretending I'm fine and living alone. My house, where we used to live together, is a disaster, but although I have family who assure that they will be there for whatever I need and invite me to stay with them, I know that they only say it out of kindness. Everyone has their occupations, their jobs, their children and their problems; I don't want to be one more. I don't fit in anywhere, I feel completely irritable and erratic most days, and I've honestly already lost the desire for things to get better in the future, or to undergo psychological and psychiatric treatment, to start over, or to fight for a life that even if it can get better, eventually it will not be happy or worth it. I cannot conceive the single idea of remaining in a world where the only companion who truly loved me and had patience is no longer alive. This world was not created to be kind.
More words, less words. I live in Mexico, and on my worst days I contemplated the idea of doing cbt before November (so as not to have to endure the Day of the Dead, one of my mother's favorite holidays, and her own death anniversary at the end of the same month). December follows and I also wanted to avoid it as much as possible, even if I ruined it for my brother and his family thanks to my decision. But although I already have a preference for a method, I'm still very afraid deep down and I can't specify the date. I know well that I want to die, so that I no longer have to endure the passage of time and the years in oblivion just because others "would be sad" if I'm not longer here, just like her.
How to free myself from fear? How do you do it? I have decided that it doesn't matter if I live alone and I will have complete privacy at my mother's house, I just don't want to take the train there and have my body rotting and contaminating the home that she and my grandparents worked so hard to forge, until someone find me and then leave a new trauma for my older brother. I will book a hotel room and do what I have to do there, after leaving a relevant amount of money for my brother to take care of everything that I couldn't and won't be able to do. I have come to the conclusion that it would be noble if I could hold out until January, after the holidays and well before my nephew's birthday (February), so as not to spoil anything for them. My determination is more or less firm depending on the day, sometimes more because of the fear that I already mentioned that I really want to continue enduring loneliness and despair. I appreciate the supportive comments, and thanks in advance.
Likewise, if there is someone who speaks Spanish who wants to make contact, I will be happy to talk and provide support to each other, both from my country and from other Spanish-speaking countries. My english is a trash, haha.
