Discussion Wanting to accomplish/experience certain things before I CTB but doing that means I’d have to push the date even FURTHER away prolonging my suffering

[whenwillthepainstop]

Basically what the title says. Like does anyone else here still have life ambitions to work towards before they CTB but it would take forever and ruin their original death date??? And is anyone else here lowkey vain and want to get their dream body before they die? Trigger warning for people who don't wanna hear about body stuff, but I don't mean in the disordered way. I'm getting there in a healthy way and I keep looking hotter but I want to see my dream body in the mirror just once before I die. However realistically this is gonna take years, and I want to die in a few months. Can anyone relate??? Like I at least wanna die pretty.

 

[huifu]

...are you sure you want to CTB? it seems like you have a pretty strong life ambition, i think it's okay if you keep working on your ambitions until you feel like you can move on. (no matter if you still want to CTB at that point or not)
i can't relate only because i want to die but i will not put any effort in planning my own suicide for now since it's too complicated and everything has to be perfect (unless i want to end with brain damage or in a wheelchair) and i'm too tired and have 0 energy for something so consuming. i don't know if it makes sense...

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

...are you sure you want to CTB? it seems like you have a pretty strong life ambition, i think it's okay if you keep working on your ambitions until you feel like you can move on. (no matter if you still want to CTB at that point or not)
i can't relate only because i want to die but i will not put any effort in planning my own suicide for now since it's too complicated and everything has to be perfect (unless i want to end with brain damage or in a wheelchair) and i'm too tired and have 0 energy for something so consuming. i don't know if it makes sense...

I'm not sure. I don't know what I want anymore or if I'd even be happy if I got what I wanted in life or if it would just be another thing on the endless list of things I'd need to be satisfied. But when I'm in bad episodes of suicidality, I feel how you do. And it sucks that it's so complicated because I'm scared of brain damage too. I'm too exhausted to bother sometimes, just like you.

 

[Cauliflour]

I'm gonna have to wait like 20 years before I can kill myself as I refuse to rest in peace until I make all the games I want to, but I'm dead set on wanting to kill myself brutally once my purpose in life is complete. I want a legacy, y'know? Currently the only legacy I have are these dumb posts.

In terms of the "dream body" thing, I have a dream body but it's a mangled scar ridden one with stitches all over my torso and yet my hair and fashion sense is flawless. It's hard to explain without sounding insane but I fully relate to what you're saying. The thought of stabbing myself to death feels so nice but I'm not ready. Killing yourself is a massive commitment and if you can't fully commit to it, then don't bother. You'll just be unsatisfied in whatever afterlife you believe in, for all eternity.

 

[huifu]

I'm not sure. I don't know what I want anymore or if I'd even be happy if I got what I wanted in life or if it would just be another thing on the endless list of things I'd need to be satisfied. But when I'm in bad episodes of suicidality, I feel how you do. And it sucks that it's so complicated because I'm scared of brain damage too. I'm too exhausted to bother sometimes, just like you.

if you don't mind we can talk via "conversations" just so you can get out whatever is on your mind, it's not gonna solve everything, but maybe we have a lot of points in common and we can keep company to each other, or whatever, i just hope you're okay, i'm kinda confused about my life and i feel like maybe you are too... sending lots of hugs for you!!

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

if you don't mind we can talk via "conversations" just so you can get out whatever is on your mind, it's not gonna solve everything, but maybe we have a lot of points in common and we can keep company to each other, or whatever, i just hope you're okay, i'm kinda confused about my life and i feel like maybe you are too... sending lots of hugs for you!!

I'm new to the site so I'm not sure what that entails. What's the difference between starting a chat and starting a conversation? It's not personal but I wasn't sure if I wanted to make friends here or not for many reasons, also privacy reasons and all the risks and blah blah blah, and that's why I don't private message anyone. Also because I don't tell my friends about this stuff, it's easier to tell strangers because it's not personal.

I'm gonna have to wait like 20 years before I can kill myself as I refuse to rest in peace until I make all the games I want to, but I'm dead set on wanting to kill myself brutally once my purpose in life is complete. I want a legacy, y'know? Currently the only legacy I have are these dumb posts.

In terms of the "dream body" thing, I have a dream body but it's a mangled scar ridden one with stitches all over my torso and yet my hair and fashion sense is flawless. It's hard to explain without sounding insane but I fully relate to what you're saying. The thought of stabbing myself to death feels so nice but I'm not ready. Killing yourself is a massive commitment and if you can't fully commit to it, then don't bother. You'll just be unsatisfied in whatever afterlife you believe in, for all eternity.

I'm an atheist so I'm not sure if I believe in afterlife, I wouldn't be surprised if it existed but also not expecting anything. I think after death that's it. There's nothing. And after death I don't think you'd realize you're dead because you're dead, that's the whole point. It's impossible to be unsatisfied to me if I don't think the afterlife exists. Not judging anyone's beliefs though. My dream body is very stereotypical for a woman lol, hourglass body, curvy in all the "right" places but a flat stomach that's toned. You get the idea. The more I keep working at it the closer I'm getting and I don't want to give up before reaching my full potential, not just in terms of looks but as a person. I'll keep in mind what you said, not to bother if I can't fully commit. It's nice to hear that someone else has good hair and fashion sense. I do too. Dressing up makes me happy, it's one of my passions. I also understand wanting a legacy.

 

[Manic Panic]

I wouldn't mind doing one last high on something really fun like heroin or meth . But with how I am and how my mental health is that's a big no go now.

 

[huifu]

I'm new to the site so I'm not sure what that entails. What's the difference between starting a chat and starting a conversation? It's not personal but I wasn't sure if I wanted to make friends here or not for many reasons, also privacy reasons and all the risks and blah blah blah, and that's why I don't private message anyone. Also because I don't tell my friends about this stuff, it's easier to tell strangers because it's not personal.

Let's see... actually I also don't know! I'm also kinda new here and I still don't understand really well the difference between chat and conversation, I'm sure there must be some explanation on the forum, but I still don't get it haha. I understand not wanting to make friends though, I also am afraid after seeing some experiences here and because of my fear of getting too close to people in general, so no worries! It's okay to keep venting here,

Back to the topic, you said you have an "endless list of things you'd need to be satisfied", honestly me too... everytime I reach a goal I don't feel happy, or a sense of accomplishment, I just feel a little less burden and pressure and that I can breathe a little better, and immediately I put more burden on myself and set another difficult goal to achieve.
I don't know why, I'm never satisfied. It's something I have to see in therapy, I guess it's related to anxiety, maybe we're too worried thinking constantly about the future and the ways our lifes are gonna suck in a couple of years, so we don't really have time to be present in... well, the present.

I know it sounds cliché, but I've heard that breaking down your big goals into smaller ones helps make them more achievable and makes you feel more satisfied in the long run (nor that I can say I've tried it, since I'm depressed and nothing makes me feel satisfied or proud). I guess it'll also help you to stay grounded and focused in your present progress. Which maybe it's going to be nice? I don't know honestly, I just hope it makes you feel better to achieve your goals little by little.

 

[Santana Idaho]

I wouldn't mind doing one last high on something really fun like heroin or meth . But with how I am and how my mental health is that's a big no go now.

It would keep you alive, I think. That's what weed's done for me. That's why people on the street, especially in the dangerous areas, still live when they have nothing. Less than nothing. People look down on them, but the drugs keep them alive. Without them, the "chronically homeless" would all be dead.

 

[J&L383]

In terms of the "dream body" thing, I have a dream body but it's a mangled scar ridden one with stitches all over my torso.

Whether literal or metaphorical, I can relate.

 

[Manic Panic]

It would keep you alive, I think. That's what weed's done for me. That's why people on the street, especially in the dangerous areas, still live when they have nothing. Less than nothing. People look down on them, but the drugs keep them alive. Without them, the "chronically homeless" would all be dead.

Yeah , but getting high just makes my mental illnesses that much worse

 

[Santana Idaho]

Yeah , but getting high just makes my mental illnesses that much worse

Ah, well in that case, continue to do the opposite of what I do lol