Wanting change

[recovered21]

(been a lurker for a while, first post)

Suicidal thoughts have been issue for a larger part of my life with volunteered and forced hospitalizations. My hallucinations, bulimia, bipolar, and loneliness are getting worst. The hope with getting better is fading. I have decided to set things in motion to possibly CTB. Luckily, I live in a state with super relaxed gun laws.

Looking through profiles of people on social media who has CTB they all have a ton of "I should have been there" "I miss you". As someone who has attempted suicide no one cares unless you die. Maybe as hope that I could have things improve or sick mild joke.

The last few days I've contact everyone who I feel would leave a message about should have been there. When I have my date I will one last time. The thought of them knowing I tried to set up causal convo with them before CTB with it ending after 4 texts between us left on them to respond. Some part of me just wants to hangout with and be in an actual social group. Not be alone in my apartment all the time.


In the past, I contacted people who said "if someone needs someone, I will be there" on their social media. Yet, when I just needed something other than the suicide hotline pasted into messager or offer to go to church with them. Now, I refuse to open up. Fake friends are never worth anything.

Am I really awful for wanting things to improve but if not making very clear I tried beforehand? Does anyone else feel this way?

(I am 22, been actively taking meds and seeing professionals since 7)

 

[Hopeindeath!]

No, you're not awful. Trying to improve things first is important. I definitely want it to be known to my family that I tried everything before CTB. Somehow, I think that will bring them more peace than if I didn't. I'm sorry you have been suffering for most of your life. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Pinkdonut]

"Am I really awful for wanting things to improve but if not making very clear I tried beforehand? Does anyone else feel this way?"

Sometimes we just want to feel loved/ wanted.. and maybe that's what you want from friends/people. A lot of people throw the statement "if you ever need to talk blah blah" and when it comes down to it don't want to have to deal with someone else's stuff, your always going to find people like that..
Your not awful for wanting things to improve, and as for not making it clear you tried beforehand, why should you/ anyone have to force/ make it clear to others that all you may need is someone to talk to, people should be kinder instead of being self absorbed.. obviously without knowing people/ others situations, life's, feelings etc I wouldnt want you to go about life feeling like no one cares, that's not my intention.. some people have their reasons, some don't, some are a**holes, some are oblivious, that's not yours or their faults.. that's kinder just life.. were not as kind to each other as we maybe should be.
I'm ranting now.. but if you ever need to talk, myself and probably hundreds of others on this site are here for you... And I mean that.. reach out.. anytime