Venting Want to ctb, but im too neurotic

[porcupinetree]

There are many reasons for me to ctb, but at the same time there are many for me to NOT ctb. My brother, who i loved and trusted very much has been lying and manipulating me and my whole family. He's only 14 and he has done weed, xan, kratom, vodka, coke, whiskey, and probably more, I've lost count. He lied about getting better and becoming sober, when he was sneaking shit behind everyone's backs. I also fear of not being the best artist ever. There's people way younger than me who have achieved so much, so I don't see much of a reason to keep going. I am also beginning to realize just how pointless life is. Why were we created? Do i even care about living? All this monotonous everyday shit just to build up to have a job that i hate and the most boring life possible. I'll never achieve anything i want to create because of how exhausted i am coming home everyday. I'm just never happy anymore. The main reasons i am scared to ctb are
1. With my brother being so messed up, my parents are proud of me and probably see me as "the good kid" and would be devastated to see me go, as they're very proud of me not turning out like my brother.
2. I haven't created my "magnum opus" which will take years and years of practicing and discipline. Question is how long i will be willing to put up for…
3. I need to keep living to judge if death truly worth achieving. Plus when I do choose to ctb, I fear I will be placed in a psych ward and never be trusted by my family ever again, much like my brother, and will be super restricted/monitored.
Idk, I'm just feeling so lost. Everywhere just seems like it's going to be dark at the end of the tunnel.

 

[girlsboysthems]

i feel you brother. i hope it gets better for you. what type of art do you do?

 

[porcupinetree]

i feel you brother. i hope it gets better for you. what type of art do you do?

It varies on how i feel, but i mostly alternate between an underground comix art style and a wacky 1930's inspired art style

 

[Mauve87]

It varies on how i feel, but i mostly alternate between an underground comix art style and a wacky 1930's inspired art style

That's really cool. Do you draw digital or traditional?
I'm passionate about art too, it's what kept me going this whole time

 

[porcupinetree]

That's really cool. Do you draw digital or traditional?
I'm passionate about art too, it's what kept me going this whole time

I alternate between digital and traditional. When i do traditional i do just B&W sharpie drawings that are inspired off of people like Peter bagge and Robert Crumb :)