Want to CTB as soon as possible but can't afford any of the easy options. Just want to vent.

[兎の耳]

My last attempt to unfuck my life has fallen apart. My best friend is so caught up in his own problems he can't give me support, and my parents don't care. I want to CTB as soon as possible, but since I quit my old job I can't afford to buy anything to do it with.

I take Verapamil ER 180. A quick Google search says about 10x my maintenance dose can kill me but it can also just cause me to have a stroke. I'm at a bit of a loss here. I guess I can find another job and work long enough to buy some SN or just figure out where my mom keeps her pistol, but it's small caliber and I don't like my chances with it either.

I'm so frustrated because I can't even afford to die on my own terms. The people that should care don't and I don't have anyone I can reach out to right now. I feel lost and scared and I just want to sleep. I'm considering just starving myself since nobody would probably even notice until it was too late.

 

[Kobusu]

Starving and od are both horribly painful and ineffective/unlikely to actually end things. I'm sorry you feel so alone, and it's not my place to say if you really are or not, but there's people who understand. Take that sleep you want, and think about it again afterwards. Impulsiveness won't get anyone anywhere in any way. I hope you feel better in the morning

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it's dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, I find it cruel how there isn't the option to just easily and permanently escape from all the suffering in peace. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[兎の耳]

Starving and od are both horribly painful and ineffective/unlikely to actually end things. I'm sorry you feel so alone, and it's not my place to say if you really are or not, but there's people who understand. Take that sleep you want, and think about it again afterwards. Impulsiveness won't get anyone anywhere in any way. I hope you feel better in the morning

I appreciate the sentiment. I know neither of those methods would be a pleasant way to go and OD especially comes with a risk of going horribly wrong. At best, I'd end up with tens of thousands of dollars of hospital bills I can't afford to pay, at worst I'd end up being trapped in a damaged body with literally no hope of CTBing.

I need to come up with a better plan, but all my plans seem to fall through.