Want support, sick of people not empathizing with me

[snowcloud9]

I'm feeling pretty shocked rn so I don't really know how to word things well pardon me // I'm not trying to brag, just trying to show the disparity in our dynamic

A lot of my friends come to me for emotional support; virtue of being a girl I guess, people assume I'm emotionally adept by default. I listen to them when they vent and dump their trauma onto me, but a lot of them get used to this dynamic and they don't return the favor.

Yesterday I offered to call one of my friends because he wasn't doing well, and I set aside time to listen to him about about what he was going through for three damn hours.

Today just a few mins ago he ranted to me and said that he resented me for having wealthy parents and that he wanted to be me and that he hated how "perfect" my life was. He knows that I have an abusive and distant relationship with my family but told me that if I didn't have a family then I should 'just buy one' (referring to my family's wealth) I had no idea he thought this way about me and I was so taken aback. It's also pretty stupid because his financial situation is considered really well off so…???

I hate people. They either gossip behind my back—my then boyfriend's friend questioned him on why I was so depressed all the time—or they assume that my life is wonderful and rainbows. I wish people would stop assuming about me.

I by no means have it the worst, but it's so invalidating to be told that I should buy a less abusive family, to be told that my life is perfect, etc. My entire life is performative because the environment I'm in is so toxic; if I'm not doing well and show it in any way people will shun you for it and actively make things worse for you. Every day when I go to class I put on makeup and dress nicely, smile politely and laugh like I should, be interested and engaged like I should, be pleasant like I should. I pretend I'm interested and engaged with the real world when I live in my head and constantly think about suicide. I drink a coffee for my chronic fatigue and take an ibuprofen everyday for my tension headaches that won't go away. I interact and help the friends around me and do what I'm supposed to do to get better, but I feel so empty still. As soon as I get home or away from others, I sleep for hours, I cry uncontrollably, I suicide ideate, and when I fall asleep I fantasize about dying in my dreams.

End of my vent, just want some support that I'm allowed to feel the way that I feel and that I'm allowed to say that I have struggles

 

[chris1979]

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles snowcloud9. You're totally right. Just because other people are struggling, it doesn't mean you also don't face your own challenges. You say you are in a toxic environment. That's a very hard situation. Is there any hope to change that?

 

[GRIM_DEADMAN]

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this, your feelings are valid even if you don't have the worst situation.
Everyone has their own experiences in life and deals with them differently, no one is immune to struggle.

 

[snowcloud9]

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles snowcloud9. You're totally right. Just because other people are struggling, it doesn't mean you also don't face your own challenges. You say you are in a toxic environment. That's a very hard situation. Is there any hope to change that?

I could drop out of university or try to transfer, but I don't see that as a viable option when I'm already ~$120k burned into my degree. Since it's only a temporary situation that I'll have to deal with for four more years I try to keep my head up, but I keep suicide ideating, getting burnt out, falling behind deadlines as a result of only being able to think about cbting, and can't maintain any friendships because of how busy/depressed I am.

I won't get into it but I have a lot of trauma from my family that's transferred to university, and it still affects me every day that I'm here, even though I'm away from them now. And people say that dealing with trauma and recovering is a lifelong process; if that's the case I don't see how my life can ever be happy and don't see a reason to continue. I am worried that my experiences in university will permanently affect me negatively even if I do manage to graduate. I keep alive by a thread under the hope that life after university will be better, but I don't even know if it will be and often doubt it will, so I go between actively ruining my life via hedonism and being suicidal.

I signed up when I was in one of my low waves and for sure thought that I was ready to attempt again, but now I feel so lost and don't know what I want.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this, your feelings are valid even if you don't have the worst situation.
Everyone has their own experiences in life and deals with them differently, no one is immune to struggle.

Thank you

 

[I8meself]

Live is hard for everybody.. I sympathise with you ♡♡♡♡