Want someone to discuss kicking it with | the time could come soon, I admit I am in fear, I don't want to do and I've mostly accepted it, but i still

[madscotsman]

Might have found some good sources for drugs again, going to buy a small amount first before a big bit to verify, I'll buy a big batch of ketamine and a little H and I'll be finding out if my pill I talked about making in another post works and if it does im gone. I'm deadset on this, I've accepted it, the emotions are up and down and how much I've accepted it changes daily, from being completely at peace and acceptance to terror ripping out of me to the point i know it would be impossible to go through with it all on the given day, anyone who can relate wants to talk about this? I know what I have to do I just don't know how bad this is gonna be for me, someone to talk to would help it.

 

[JustHere1]

If you find this source is reputable would you be open to sharing it? I'm looking to compound or change my method of CTB for similar reasons, I feel pressured by myself to go asap, I have all my affairs in order and donated almost everything I own and went ham on my cards. Rehomed my pets.

Sometimes I feel very excited to set up, and I have spirits with me who help encourage me and talk me through the process. But I am nervous and don't want to press myself when I don't feel ready. But it's a difficult conversion with pressure like that, I'm fully ready, nothing to lose and everything to gain, but when I relax on myself I feel like I am tied again to this body. I think there is a good middle ground to attach your mind to, where you're aware of what you'll gain vs lose, and where you're aware of how the process goes, while also being able to push yourself across the final line. The finality of it is the terror and pushing past that is truly easy, but feels so difficult. I know I'm wearing myself down, and my partners, but I believe it will be okay in the end - all can be forgiven and I want to give myself, and them, peace. So it's okay if it takes a little extra time, but I try to keep it to a general date so I don't start feeling too complacent.
I find it's also even trickier with compassion and companionship like on this forum. It's healing and helpful to have people to talk to but it also creates a feeling of kinship that can sort of tie you here differently. Most of us want to leave because of lack of care or love in some way. Or we are exhausted. So when we are impacted positively we have a 'reason' to stay, and for me personally that has also made it more difficult to leave, because I relate to folks here and want to speak a little more. But the reality is I go sooner, or later. And it's important to stay simple if you're fully in on CTBing soon.

My personal focus and interest is regarding the psychology of ideation and desire, it's what I want to research more about when I CTB, so I'm also figuring out how this stuff affects folks post-mortem, if they stick around. I'm not sure how the whole process works, I have just been assured I'll be okay and assisted, but I'd like to help others with perspective from my own time here if I have the opportunity.

 

[madscotsman]

If you find this source is reputable would you be open to sharing it? I'm looking to compound or change my method of CTB for similar reasons, I feel pressured by myself to go asap, I have all my affairs in order and donated almost everything I own and went ham on my cards. Rehomed my pets.

Sometimes I feel very excited to set up, and I have spirits with me who help encourage me and talk me through the process. But I am nervous and don't want to press myself when I don't feel ready. But it's a difficult conversion with pressure like that, I'm fully ready, nothing to lose and everything to gain, but when I relax on myself I feel like I am tied again to this body. I think there is a good middle ground to attach your mind to, where you're aware of what you'll gain vs lose, and where you're aware of how the process goes, while also being able to push yourself across the final line. The finality of it is the terror and pushing past that is truly easy, but feels so difficult. I know I'm wearing myself down, and my partners, but I believe it will be okay in the end - all can be forgiven and I want to give myself, and them, peace. So it's okay if it takes a little extra time, but I try to keep it to a general date so I don't start feeling too complacent.

I'll share it with you right now, it's a bot on telegram someone on reddit told me about, it seems legitimate, has dark net vendors signed up to it supposedly that I've seen and purchased from on dn markets, its "@Tesseract_List_Bot" I can't vouch for it yet though,

Yea the whole choosing to do yourself in thing is difficult, and slow not fast, the opposite of how I always viewed suicide, after all aren't people doing it for the opposite reasons, but yea it's a slow process to truly decide you're going to kill yourself and its a slow process to feel you want to so much you accept the bad parts, I've been just taking my life apart, burning this bridge not maintaining this part of my life etc, as I figured since if made the decision I don't need anything holding me back, the biggest of accepting was realising its shit and its gonna be shit, there's no magic answer, or having enough knowledge to be ready to fight your instincts, it's genuinely just a straight up horrible cruel and freighting thing I'm going to do to myself, and im not going to ve in the mood, I'm going to force this upon myself, and that is what I have to be OK with, not just ok with the pros and all the great things that'll get from it.