unloveablegay
just getting things in order before I do it
- Sep 9, 2023
- 7
My partner of 10 years (not married) has decided he no longer loves me and that he wants to end our relationship. He is the love of my life, and I see no reason to continue living and am planning to end it all, especially now that I'm 40 with a failed relationship that was a quarter of my life, and clearly undateable and unloveable.
We have been living together for years (it's his house but we furnished everything together), and I'm trying to figure out how to do this without burdening him too much.
Even though he's leaving me, I still love him very much, and don't want him to get stuck with handling funeral shit for an ex he just dumped. That just doesn't seem fair to him and I don't want him to resent me too much for this.
I also don't want him to get blamed for me offing myself cause he doesn't deserve that. This is my problem not his. Before I got with him I was always planning on doing by 40 anyways since my parents are religious conservatives, my dad is a pastor, and I don't see how I could ever come out to them. Being with him makes me think I could live past 40 but now that he's no longer going to be in the picture, I'm back to dying by 40 somehow without coming out to my parents so they can think I died tragically early as a straight bachelor instead of spending a lifetime praying I would turn straight and thinking I'm going to go to hell as a out gay man.
Anyways, I started on a will and on a document leaving passwords and logins behind to help facilitate shit when I'm gone.
I'm planning to pack up the stuff that is only mine and move out when I can.
I just don't have a lot of funds to move out and he knows it too so I'd maybe be able to afford one or two months rent at the most, plus the deposit. He's not kicking me out but I know it'll be difficult for him to move on if my shitty self is still hanging around in the house. Also I don't want to impact the value of the house by dying in there and I don't want him to have to go through my shit and clean everything up when I'm gone.
After I move out, I'll change my address on my license, delete social media accounts, delete contacts and messages off my phone (I don't want my family to invite friends to my funeral), schedule final payment on my credit cards, go to a secluded beach somewhere with no lifeguards, and do the shallow water drowning method I found on here where you make yourself hyperventilate and then hold your breath underwater and lose consciousness and die. I figure it can look like a careless swimming accident instead of an intentional suicide. Timing will be suspicious but since I can't afford too much in rent, especially with student loan payments restarting, it'll have to do.
It'll probably also be suspicious if I have my affairs in order and have an informal will, but I don't want people going through too much of my shit to figure out what to do with everything after I'm gone.
If I'm found dead in the water by drowning but no suicide note, they won't dig too deeply to figure out if it was suicide right? It'll just be a happy coincidence that I have a will and documents to help facilitate distribution of my few belongings after I die?
Another thing that might be weird is my partner (ex partner now I guess) is a beneficiary on my life insurance I have through work, along with my parents. They'll wonder who the fuck he is but I don't know what I can do about that. I can say he was my landlord for like 6 years so that's why I included him but even that's kinda sus. And I guess I'll need someone else to say that for me since I'll be gone.
Anything I'm missing or forgetting? Any other advice on how to do this in a way that wont lead to people blaming my partner for this or him blaming himself? And any better ideas for how to make this look as accidental as possible?
We have been living together for years (it's his house but we furnished everything together), and I'm trying to figure out how to do this without burdening him too much.
Even though he's leaving me, I still love him very much, and don't want him to get stuck with handling funeral shit for an ex he just dumped. That just doesn't seem fair to him and I don't want him to resent me too much for this.
I also don't want him to get blamed for me offing myself cause he doesn't deserve that. This is my problem not his. Before I got with him I was always planning on doing by 40 anyways since my parents are religious conservatives, my dad is a pastor, and I don't see how I could ever come out to them. Being with him makes me think I could live past 40 but now that he's no longer going to be in the picture, I'm back to dying by 40 somehow without coming out to my parents so they can think I died tragically early as a straight bachelor instead of spending a lifetime praying I would turn straight and thinking I'm going to go to hell as a out gay man.
Anyways, I started on a will and on a document leaving passwords and logins behind to help facilitate shit when I'm gone.
I'm planning to pack up the stuff that is only mine and move out when I can.
I just don't have a lot of funds to move out and he knows it too so I'd maybe be able to afford one or two months rent at the most, plus the deposit. He's not kicking me out but I know it'll be difficult for him to move on if my shitty self is still hanging around in the house. Also I don't want to impact the value of the house by dying in there and I don't want him to have to go through my shit and clean everything up when I'm gone.
After I move out, I'll change my address on my license, delete social media accounts, delete contacts and messages off my phone (I don't want my family to invite friends to my funeral), schedule final payment on my credit cards, go to a secluded beach somewhere with no lifeguards, and do the shallow water drowning method I found on here where you make yourself hyperventilate and then hold your breath underwater and lose consciousness and die. I figure it can look like a careless swimming accident instead of an intentional suicide. Timing will be suspicious but since I can't afford too much in rent, especially with student loan payments restarting, it'll have to do.
It'll probably also be suspicious if I have my affairs in order and have an informal will, but I don't want people going through too much of my shit to figure out what to do with everything after I'm gone.
If I'm found dead in the water by drowning but no suicide note, they won't dig too deeply to figure out if it was suicide right? It'll just be a happy coincidence that I have a will and documents to help facilitate distribution of my few belongings after I die?
Another thing that might be weird is my partner (ex partner now I guess) is a beneficiary on my life insurance I have through work, along with my parents. They'll wonder who the fuck he is but I don't know what I can do about that. I can say he was my landlord for like 6 years so that's why I included him but even that's kinda sus. And I guess I'll need someone else to say that for me since I'll be gone.
Anything I'm missing or forgetting? Any other advice on how to do this in a way that wont lead to people blaming my partner for this or him blaming himself? And any better ideas for how to make this look as accidental as possible?
