Discussion WALLOWING!? Who else feels hurt, dismissed, and angry when accused of "wallowing" in pain? The if we don't say nothing, we are accused of isolating...

[Dawn0071111]

You know, we all suffer. That is what someone who will be quick to remind me. Ok, if a person knows that, then why accuse me of wallowing? You suffer too. So then you should know how it feels, but its not about EMPATHY. Its about how I should be like YOU in my grief, pain, coping whatever.

So of course, I say fuck it, I ain't gonna talk to nobody, because I was seeking soothing and simple empathy. A sense of human connection in common suffering. But since that wasn't happening, so I shut up. Then if the shit hits the fan, a crisis arises, they be like: Well, you isolated yourself, you didn't want help. Well, accusing a person of WALLOWING, when they are in the midst of the pain isn't helpful! So for me rather than trying to change people and recognizing what I am looking for just ain't there.... I'm like fuck it.

Yes, of course grief and tragedy is a process. the very word indicates a beginning, middle and end. But WHO gets to determine the length of my process. For me when I hear wallowing, it means I am not at the moment doing what YOU think I should be doing at that given moment.

I dunno, I don't want to be a "negative nelly" wet blanket, always dragging peopel down with my "sob story" so yeah, I stay away.

I know there are different philisophies out there--- that we live in a society that highly values: Overcoming the odds, endurance, pullin up from the bootstraps, going from rags to riches with nothing but character and strength. But you know what? A, I the only one who just don't give a fuck about the accolades that come from "overcoming the odds" I mean yeah, I could one day maybne sit down with Oprah and tell my story of how I overcame: the abuse, 27 fosterhomes, homlessness, a broken spirit, blah blah.. But you know? Peopel like Tyler Perry or JK Rowling. Yes, they are inspirations. Single moms who go from the shelter to owning thier own business.. awesome.

I still disagree that not succeeding is a total choice. Its a debate. That when i speak of wanting to CBT, it is seen as the easy way out and that I just want a quick fix and dont want to do the work to change. Well...... So what? Does that mean I am no longer a candidate for empathy? That any mention of the past is wallowing?

Even if it is wallowing, what is saying that supposed to accomplish anyway? I dunno. My rememdy was to keep it to myself and then one day out of the blue they just find me dead.

Thoughts?

 

[Soul]

Ahhh darlin' ... (((Hugs)))
I am empathizing with you - empathizing up a storm. What THEY do is never wallowing! THEY march around with stiff upper lips and parasols up their butts and we just lie here wallowing all luxuriously like in a pile of fluffy goddam pillows, right? With loads of moisturizer and facials whenever we wallowingly feel like it.

They look pretty weird marching around like that if you ask me. I would way rather wallow with you. x

 

[k75]

It's such a difficult situation all around. I'm sorry you've been forced to feel this way. It's really not fair at all.

I completely relate. I'm very lucky to have a support system, but despite that I still frequently struggle with even the people close to me saying things like this sometimes. I get lectured and told I'm not doing myself any favors when I can't get out of bed all day and don't leave my apartment and don't go outside enough. I get told I need to stop dwelling on the past, that I'm just making things worse. That I need to work on reframing my thoughts. It makes me feel like I'm being blamed for my depression. And so I withdraw and try to isolate and just keep everything inside, but that backfires in a million ways too.

In my experience, the people most guilty of this have never really experienced it themselves. They've been sad, but not this level of sad, you know? So in their minds, because they weren't reduced to "wallowing, " it's not an uncontrollable thing.

I just try not to let it affect me too much, even though it's usually pretty devastating for me to hear. But I try to tell myself they only know what they have personally felt, and they think it's easy because it was easy for them, and I can't blame them for that. And it doesn't make it better, but at least I can see that they're not really being malicious even though it feels that way.