Waiting. Just waiting

[weekendbash]

Hi, I've never posted on here before and I'm not sure if im going to break any rules. I'm not here asking anyone too tell me how to die. I'm just so fed up of living through suicide attempts. I've made some stupid attempts before. Mainly where I was just naive and thought dying would be easy. I have no doubt that I want to die. I have no doubt that given a simple option between life and death that I wouldn't hesitate to choose death. But dying is too hard. I wish I was in America because I'd go pick up a shotgun and be done with it. But I'm stuck in England not knowing how to get a gun. I'm 19 and turn 20 in less than 2 weeks. Ive been planning to CBT on the day before my birthday but it's looking harder and harder. I don't know what method to use or try anymore. I could try full suspension hanging because partial doesn't work for me(I've tried a lot) but it's too hard for me too push past the SI when I'm outside. So the only place I could do it is in my family home on the banister but my mum is always home. I've been trying to wait for an opportunity to hang myself an hour or 2 but I never get the house alone. I've also thought about SN however I simply don't know how to get it and everything else required because I'd just go to a hotel and die peacefully listening to my songs to die too playlist. And I just feel stuck. I know I want to be dead. And I'm living just to be awake and lying in bed thinking. But I simply don't know how to die.

 

[botanormal]

I'm so sorry you have to suffer so much. I'm in a similar situation with trying to get alone time in the house, so I feel your struggles. Have you checked the resources thread? Maybe looking through there would help you find a method that resonates with you. I want to make sure it's something you feel comfortable with, as everyone has different preferences. Wishing you all the best

 

[sadworld]

I also always thought dying is easy. I thought I just need to jump. But I have underestimated my SI and there was no way I could actually jump when I was there. It feels like we are trapped in a prison and SI is the jail warder trying to keep us locked in when we want to break out. You could choose a hotel for hanging if your mom is always at home or you can search for other methods, maybe there are a few which you haven't discovered yet. Good luck with your plans and I hope you find peace soon if that's what you want

 

[botanormal]

It feels like we are trapped in a prison and SI is the jail warder trying to keep us locked in when we want to break out.

That is a really great metaphor!

 

[weekendbash]

I also always thought dying is easy. I thought I just need to jump. But I have underestimated my SI and there was no way I could actually jump when I was there.

I completely feel you there. I was stood at the edge of one of UKs suicide hotspots last month.I drove 6 hours to get there and I just starred of the edge for 20 minutes in pouring rain trying to force myself to just run and jump.But i couldn't. I wish I could find a cliff high enough to drive off and for it to definitely kill me and not hurt anyone else

 

[Deleted member 23009]

As stated above, check some of the threads for people in your situation or advice. There are a lot of useful information on here that can help you!
We're not really allowed to tell you what to do or how to get things in a thread like this but if you're new here, try to look around a bit on the forums. There have been a lot of good discussions that might help you with how you're feeling.

Welcome to SS though