Waiting, gathering all the materials is maddening

[Huggs]

I should have been dead a long time ago, just breathing feels wrong and painful in every way. With all the systems I'm wrestling with my rough estimate is that I won't be able to attempt until October 24. Having to work and be conscious is driving me insane. Yes, I've been in pain a lifetime now but with everything so decided I don't have any patience left. However the worst part is knowing I could fail and that there's a big margin of error. I'm attempting anyway. I can't do another year of this hell. I'm doing everything I can to assure this method has the highest chance of succeeding, that's why getting all the materials will likely take 8 weeks. I can't afford to be impulsive when SN has a big chance of failing even when everything is done correctly. I've considered all other methods and have practiced partial many times, this is the only one that is possible and most likely to succeed, still I hate my odds. I wish I had access to a firearm.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm in your boat and it fucking blows! Wish it inspired more confidence.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

If all it took was want and will I would be gone tonight. I would have been gone last week. I would have been gone 15 years ago. But I'm still here; failed attempt after failed attempt. I don't even have a plan now. I'm still piecing together the one that'll get me there. I envy your timeline. And yet I'm sorry for the suffering you must endure as you wait because of the world we live in.

 

[Huggs]

If all it took was want and will I would be gone tonight. I would have been gone last week. I would have been gone 15 years ago. But I'm still here; failed attempt after failed attempt. I don't even have a plan now. I'm still piecing together the one that'll get me there. I envy your timeline. And yet I'm sorry for the suffering you must endure as you wait because of the world we live in.

I wish there was something I could say to make it easier. Failed attempts are truly horrible and a great fear of mine as I do this. Methods these days are difficult to figure out, I feel like I'll fail but I have to try anyways for a chance of getting out. I'm sorry for all the pain and I really wish you well, you deserve peace of mind.

 

[Wants-To-End]

Waiting, gathering all the materials is maddening​

I should have been dead a long time ago, just breathing feels wrong and painful in every way. With all the systems I'm wrestling with my rough estimate is that I won't be able to attempt until October 24. Having to work and be conscious is driving me insane. Yes, I've been in pain a lifetime now but with everything so decided I don't have any patience left.

Even, i thought exactly same like this before & while collecting all my CTB material (It was very irritating and Maddening) , but once I collected all, I just keep Procrastinating the further progress for literally no reason
Even though, living is hell each and every moment, The feel that "I have all the CTB materials readily in my hand", made me bit Lazy and Casual I guess
However, it is just a week, and my home is full of family members, that too may be a reason unconsciously, "Hope, I 'll get my lone time sooner to end my life"

And best of luck to you, Don't worry, Death will meet you sooner, and you will finally get settled in Peace

 

[アホペンギン]

True, gathering all the methods and waiting for the perfect time to carry out ctb drives me crazy, I have been waiting for a long time to ctb and it also feels wrong for me to still be alive and breathing. I'm in the same boat as you. I hope you'll feel better soon and be able to find peace as soon as possible.

 

[Anon7b8]

Even, i thought exactly same like this before & while collecting all my CTB material (It was very irritating and Maddening) , but once I collected all, I just keep Procrastinating the further progress for literally no reason
Even though, living is hell each and every moment, The feel, that "I have all the CTB materials readily in my hand", made me bit Lazy and Casual I guess
However, it is just a week, and my home is full of family members, that too may be a reason unconsciously, "Hope, I 'll get my lone time sooner to end my life"

And best of luck to you, Don't worry, Death will meet you sooner, and you will finally get settled in Peace

I truly understand what you mean. Some say our procrastination is our SI doing magic.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish it wasn't so unnecessarily difficult to finally be free from this world, failing a suicide attempt is exactly what I would fear. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans, existing certainly can be so tiring and dreadful.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

I wish there was something I could say to make it easier. Failed attempts are truly horrible and a great fear of mine as I do this. Methods these days are difficult to figure out, I feel like I'll fail but I have to try anyways for a chance of getting out. I'm sorry for all the pain and I really wish you well, you deserve peace of mind.

As do you. Admittedly I'm not suffering in the way that you might expect. I'm okay. There's not much that bothers me anymore. What does one piece of chipped paint matter on a dilapidated house unfit for habitation? The days are just bits of chipped paint. And I'm just ready to go.

I know that you're anxious about failing and your suffering in the interim while you wait but this is valuable time to go over in your mind and settle your affairs if you are so inclined. At least it might be something to help ignore the length of time ahead. Anything that helps right?

Even, i thought exactly same like this before & while collecting all my CTB material (It was very irritating and Maddening) , but once I collected all, I just keep Procrastinating the further progress for literally no reason
Even though, living is hell each and every moment, The feel that "I have all the CTB materials readily in my hand", made me bit Lazy and Casual I guess
However, it is just a week, and my home is full of family members, that too may be a reason unconsciously, "Hope, I 'll get my lone time sooner to end my life"

And best of luck to you, Don't worry, Death will meet you sooner, and you will finally get settled in Peace

This is only conjecture and I wouldn't presume to know your mind better than you do but you may have procrastinated, as you put it, because now you have a choice. You're in control now. There is something liberating when you're at the end that makes things not matter as much anymore. You feel as though things aren't so bad in that moment and sometimes that moment drags on. And for as long as that sense of control keeps misery at bay there's no reason to rush to end things. But if life ever became excruciating, you could. I don't think that gets talked about a lot in everyday life. How reconciling your mortality and having control of your life can actually make life more bearable.

 

[Wants-To-End]

I truly understand what you mean. Some say our procrastination is our SI doing magic.

I don't know exactly how SI works , but what you saying may be true ---------- It was kind a feeling like " you got ready to work , prepared everything perfectly , but still feels like you left something in home itself " , But I am not stressed as before though (I mean before getting all CTB materials)

 

[Anon7b8]

I don't know exactly how SI works , but what you saying may be true ---------- It was kind a feeling like " you got ready to work , prepared everything perfectly , but still feels like you left something in home itself " , But I am not stressed as before though (I mean before getting all CTB materials)

It's the feeling of reassurance that what you need is there. So you don't need to rush things right?

 

[Wants-To-End]

I wouldn't presume to know your mind better than you do but you may have procrastinated, as you put it, because now you have a choice. You're in control now. There is something liberating when you're at the end that makes things not matter as much anymore. You feel as though things aren't so bad in that moment and sometimes that moment drags on. And for as long as that sense of control keeps misery at bay there's no reason to rush to end things. But if life ever became excruciating, you could. I don't think that gets talked about a lot in everyday life. How reconciling your mortality and having control of your life can actually make life more bearable.

Exactly, Exactly, Exactly, You put them in words amazingly

It's the feeling of reassurance that what you need is there. So you don't need to rush things right?

Yes, that's True

 

[zurukunai]

I should have been dead a long time ago, just breathing feels wrong and painful in every way. With all the systems I'm wrestling with my rough estimate is that I won't be able to attempt until October 24. Having to work and be conscious is driving me insane. Yes, I've been in pain a lifetime now but with everything so decided I don't have any patience left. However the worst part is knowing I could fail and that there's a big margin of error. I'm attempting anyway. I can't do another year of this hell. I'm doing everything I can to assure this method has the highest chance of succeeding, that's why getting all the materials will likely take 8 weeks. I can't afford to be impulsive when SN has a big chance of failing even when everything is done correctly. I've considered all other methods and have practiced partial many times, this is the only one that is possible and most likely to succeed, still I hate my odds. I wish I had access to a firearm.

i am sorry to hear this.

on the bright side, most people enjoy autumn. the delay in your plans might help you better make peace with all that has driven you to where you are.

 

[DeadHead]

Even, i thought exactly same like this before & while collecting all my CTB material (It was very irritating and Maddening) , but once I collected all, I just keep Procrastinating the further progress for literally no reason
Even though, living is hell each and every moment, The feel that "I have all the CTB materials readily in my hand", made me bit Lazy and Casual I guess
However, it is just a week, and my home is full of family members, that too may be a reason unconsciously, "Hope, I 'll get my lone time sooner to end my life"

And best of luck to you, Don't worry, Death will meet you sooner, and you will finally get settled in Peace

Totally relate to this. Once I purchased pentobarbital and sn a couple of years ago, I wasted time being complacent without actually thinking things through any further. When I finally did that, I realised neither method was right for me. Now I'm having to start from scratch with way less energy than I had back then and also under more pressure due to deteriorating health.

 

[Wants-To-End]

Totally relate to this. Once I purchased pentobarbital and sn a couple of years ago, I wasted time being complacent without actually thinking things through any further. When I finally did that, I realised neither method was right for me. Now I'm having to start from scratch with way less energy than I had back then and also under more pressure due to deteriorating health.

I am really sorry for you, I planned to end thing with in 1 or two months quickly as much as possible, lets see

But if you don't mind, can I know "why did you thought pentobarbital was not right method for u ?" - what method you looking for ?