Venting Waiting for my death is making me miserable. How do I accept that I will kill myself and not have a "peaceful" death?

[http-410]

My suicide is dependent on several circumstances that will definitely occur in a certain period of time. There is no alternative, no hope, no cure, no turning back. Nevertheless, since I decided to go this way, everything is even more pointless than before. The more days go by, the worse I feel.

Is there any way to accept this path with all its suffering?

Probably this question is quite stupid.

As already mentioned, I know 100% that I cannot and will not continue to suffer like this. There is also no no way to change this "life". Years of therapies have been of no use and my current therapy is also failing and will end this year. Every now and then I can buy new things, or eat delicious food, but what's the point? Buying things creates a little anticipation for a very short time (usually until its delivered), but the suffering always remains.

The only thing stopping me so far is probably therapy, which I see only as a life/suffering-prolonging measure. A short break from therapy showed that I was absolutely unable to live because I went into an extreme depressive episode.

I recently had a "substance-induced" panic attack (or whatever) after drinking a powder (that was supposed to calm me down) and immediately felt regret when a strange feeling spread in my head and I got short of breath. With SN it will be so much worse and I'm scared.

 

[Loneliest]

This is literally how I've been feeling in words. I know that 100% this is the only way I could end this pain. Somehow I'm still a little bit terrified of the "process" of actual dying. And the only way you could find out how it feels to die is when you actually die. I was just doing some online shopping and after I paid, I was like what's the point, maybe you won't even use it.

I think that there is no peaceful way to die, it's just more peaceful or less peaceful. SN to me would be the least painful I hope. Initially I was gonna go with jumping/hanging. Now I feel a little comfort knowing that I could die on my bed, making it less stressful.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life can be very painful. I can relate, I know that ctb is inevitable for me and that nothing will change my situation and the way I am. I have kind of accepted that part but I struggle with the thoughts of actually attempting a method, probably because of the SI, we are programmed to survive. It can be tiring being in a hopeless situation, I know that one day I will get desperate enough and actually ctb.

 

[KrommeVinger]

Sometimes I think that if we feel fear and regret, maybe deep down we are not looking for death itself, but rather the end of a suffering that we can no longer bear and we don't know how to find a solution to our anguish. I think every day that, at a given moment, I'll just have to kill myself. I think about the people who will suffer and whether this will really set me free and end this damned string of failures that I know as a life.

 

[Largeletters]

I relate to this. I feel, in my life, there is no point in anything. I'm going to CTB soon, that's why I've just stopped trying.
I relate to this. I feel, in my life, there is no point in anything. I'm going to CTB soon, that's why I've just stopped trying. I'm sorry you feel the struggle, desperately wanting to die but not being able to is horrible.

 

[At_The_End]

After many years of thought and planning, I've come to the acceptance that there is never a perfect time, never a perfect method, never a perfect setting... It's death and there is nothing about it that is ever simple.

 

[motel rooms]

After many years of thought and planning, I've come to the acceptance that there is never a perfect time, never a perfect method, never a perfect setting... It's death and there is nothing about it that is ever simple.

Exactly. People have this fantasy that they will be perfectly peaceful/determined before they ctb, that the world will stand still to salute them & whatnot. I'm pretty sure that my last thoughts will be a complicated mess of all kinds of crap because that's what all of my thoughts have been like so far

 

[Journeytoletgo]

It's definitely not easy, it's a wave of intense emotions. I'm sorry it has led you here. It's definitely not easy. I know it's coming for me as I been suicidal since 2018, however miserable since 2007/2008 due to incurable acne disease

 

[motel rooms]

Sometimes I think that if we feel fear and regret, maybe deep down we are not looking for death itself, but rather the end of a suffering that we can no longer bear

Isn't the end of unbearable suffering the thing that most suicidal people are interested in? I don't think that many of us are looking for "death itself", death is just a means to an end...

 

[OceanBlue]

While I personally dislike the idea of death, it's inevitable and I find waiting for a natural one stressful and unfair. I see suicide as an act of rebellion, freeing from this imposed nasty surprise.

Overall, both living and dying seem equally weird to me, it's like a daily choice between two options I dislike.

 

[Meditation guide]

I want to exit this life as soon as I can. I can have some nice times or do enjoyable things but I'm just postponing the inevitable. The dying part is what is scaring me so much I am still here.

 

[enau]

i feel the same.I wonder,is it because i dont give up on hope/life-deep within .Or maybe its just survival instinct..days are only pain and emptiness since i decided of the end, but still unsure about the how/process.I really feel that i dont have any will or hope , or desire for anything anymore, but maybe imstill in conflict .Idont know.I dont feel at peace at all

 

[clown_17]

I get what you're talking about. One time I had my sn open and I was breathing it for too long and I felt this light headed feeling and I immediately panicked and closed it back up. I'm scared of feeling that terrible feeling again but I also know it's temporary. One short and terrible moment to prevent an endless life of nothing

 

[ojinzo]

I think about the people who will suffer and whether this will really set me free and end this damned string of failures that I know as a life.

this part for me really resonates. I love my family, but, I personally feel they already abandoned me, do the bare minimum to help me just to ease their spirits, so, they will be just fine if I leave this world. however, the part about whether or not "this will really set me free" is all I think about. at times, I wonder, will everything just go black, will I find myself in an endless void of nothingness. will the nothingness bring on the same feelings of dread and loneliness I experience in life. that part scares me to fuck bits