I feel you, but you don't have to look at it that way. If death is defeat, then no human can ever win anyway...and if defeat is inevitable, then why should it be something to be bummed about? I used to do this thing where I'd somehow project other peoples' feelings about things like death, success, suicide, failure, etc on my own feelings. No fuckin' wonder I was always lost and confused. (Not saying that you're doing ANY of this btw, just rambling.) Now that I've made the decision to ctb and there is absolutely no turning back this time, I've gotten a pretty wonderful clarity. I still worry about what people close to me will say/think after I'm gone, but there's freedom in knowing none of it will matter to me a bit. Sorry for going off there lol I can't seem to control this mind-vomit lately.