Virginity as a social construction

[Abandoned Character]

Content warning: sex, obviously

25 years on this earth, I am what most would consider a virgin. I consider myself fortunate to not be deeply bothered by that fact. A good friend of mine once told me "I do not see you as a virgin," which has piqued my brain down the valley of virginity as a social construction ever since. You see, he said this because he knows of my sexual past and that I am not without some intensely intimate experiences. Even still, I have yet to have penetrative sex (or even oral/anal for that matter).

So I ask you, what makes a virgin? The common answer is for men is "have penetrative sex," but what does that mean exactly? Do I have to be hard? Can I do one pump in and out and then call it a done deal and declare myself a non-virgin? Is completion necessary to officially "lose" virginity? What if, upon entering but a millimeter into a woman (or man or nonbinary) I immediately cum. Am I no longer a virgin then? Kind of a lame way to go, but would that count? What if the last time you had sex was 5, 10, 15 years ago after some trauma? You may experience all the same symptoms of a "virgin" while not fitting the societal definition of the term. Dont you see? It's all made up!

If you are a self-identified virgin and your lack of experience causes you grief, I encourage you to ponder these questions. Virginity is a spectrum and the commonly understood definition is not a rigid label that you are obligated to agree with. Exploring one's sexuality can be a lifelong journey if you let it.

For clarity, I am not asexual, although lately I have been meditating on my sexuality as partially asexual, in the sense that something like kissing is a lot easier for me to engage in than genital stimulation. The latter is very scary, and while I do masturbate very frequently, the idea of sharing myself with another person that way is extremely terrifying. I am working on my ability to communicate that fear to properly be able to explore it. I imagine this topic is hard to navigate for many people, and so I share my thoughts here. In a forum as accepting as this one, I see no better place to dump these thoughts. Thanks for listening. Cheers.

 

[kinderbueno]

I'm a girl who isn't a virgin. I'm not really sure what kind of sex makes a virgin, I've heard people say that oral/anal count as losing your virginity and I've heard others say that only penetrative sex counts as losing your virginity. It's very confusing because different people have different ways of defining losing your virginity and I guess that just further proves that virginity is a made up social construct. Why does society even place so much pressure on having sex anyways? It's not like you change entirely just because you had sex with someone

the idea of sharing myself with another person that way is extremely terrifying.

It is scary at first but as long as you do it with someone who you genuinely like and is understanding and patient, then it should be fine. Take your time

 

[Life_and_Death]

the idea of sharing myself with another person that way is extremely terrifying.

do whats comfortable for you. if its terrifying then dont worry about it, dont bother with it.

It is scary at first but as long as you do it with someone who you genuinely like and is understanding and patient, then it should be fine. Take your time

sorry, but as someone "in a situation" this kinda comes off wrong so thought id add they never have to. (basically a add on to your comment)

 

[kinderbueno]

sorry, but as someone "in a situation" this kinda comes off wrong so thought id add they never have to. (basically a add on to your comment)

Sorry it wasn't meant to come off that way :( what I meant is that if they want to then they should do it at their own pace and if they don't want to thats okay too

 

[Labyrinth]

I will answer you carefully. Wait for me to get out of this spiral of depression.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Sorry it wasn't meant to come off that way :( what I meant is that if they want to then they should do it at their own pace and if they don't want to thats okay too

i didnt think you meant to. just giving another perspective

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I am a virgin by all negative definitions of the term and this will continue to cause me grief until I am either dead or until I am no longer a virgin by the standard definition. This is not a spectrum for me. It's a simple yes or no answer.

 

[N33dT0D13]

Officially I lost my virginity at 24 but canonically I lost my virginity at 5 lmao, it probably wasn't my fault but I can't blame the other kid either, he was my age so someone did something horrible to him for him to learn that kind of thing... I did just let it happen though, I just took it cuz I didn't know what else to do. Our moms were in the other room... It won't matter soon enough.

 

[Abandoned Character]

I am a virgin by all negative definitions of the term and this will continue to cause me grief until I am either dead or until I am no longer a virgin by the standard definition. This is not a spectrum for me. It's a simple yes or no answer.

In the same way that gender and race are social constructions, it's totally reasonable to agree with the "standard definitions" that our surroundings impose on us. However, if that definition is not working for you (causing great grief), I challenge you to consider a different framework. Ultimately, whether you agree with the standard definition or not is a choice you are making. If rejecting the standard definition would alleviate some of your grief, I would see that as a pathway worth exploring.

Specifically, you mention "by all negative definitions," which may be the first self-construction worth breaking down. You are a loser if you are a virgin. You are less a man if you are a virgin. You are less interesting, valuable, and cool. Agreeing with these constructions is a choice you are making, and if that choice does not translate to practical, real world value, I encourage you to question their usefulness.

It's not about what is intellectually "right" or "wrong," I am not really concerned about that. I am concerned about what definitions are useful to us. For me personally, looking at my virginity from a more open lense is liberating, as I can then look at my sexuality and relationship with women without all these self-destructive thoughts invading my mind.

Shifting one's paradigm does not happen immediately, perhaps you reject these ideas right now, but real growth comes when we give ourselves room to consider ourselves to be wrong. Perhaps your grief may be alleviated by choosing to reject your current paradigm. You don't know unless you try, after all. Best of luck.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Virginity is just a stupid social construct that people are way too obsessive and creepy about. Boys and men are expected to lose their virginity as soon as possible, with a lot of boys who lost their virginity as a result of SA being congratulated for it, specifically when their perpetrator was a woman. Then you have creeps who obsess over girls and women staying virgins and have this weird fetish for purity and innocence. Women and girls aren't allowed to explore their sexualities and they are somehow expected to be both virgins yet skilled at sex at the same time. It's all just dumb bullshit that nobody should bother getting their panties in a twist about.

I'm a virgin and I would like to lose my virginity before I die, mostly just because I'm curious about what sex feels like. I haven't even had my first kiss yet, lol. The most sexual thing I have ever done was sexting other men. I want to have sex with my bf before I die.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

In the same way that gender and race are social constructions, it's totally reasonable to agree with the "standard definitions" that our surroundings impose on us. However, if that definition is not working for you (causing great grief), I challenge you to consider a different framework. Ultimately, whether you agree with the standard definition or not is a choice you are making. If rejecting the standard definition would alleviate some of your grief, I would see that as a pathway worth exploring.

Specifically, you mention "by all negative definitions," which may be the first self-construction worth breaking down. You are a loser if you are a virgin. You are less a man if you are a virgin. You are less interesting, valuable, and cool. Agreeing with these constructions is a choice you are making, and if that choice does not translate to practical, real world value, I encourage you to question their usefulness.

It's not about what is intellectually "right" or "wrong," I am not really concerned about that. I am concerned about what definitions are useful to us. For me personally, looking at my virginity from a more open lense is liberating, as I can then look at my sexuality and relationship with women without all these self-destructive thoughts invading my mind.

Shifting one's paradigm does not happen immediately, perhaps you reject these ideas right now, but real growth comes when we give ourselves room to consider ourselves to be wrong. Perhaps your grief may be alleviated by choosing to reject your current paradigm. You don't know unless you try, after all. Best of luck.

It's not useful for me to pretend that being a virgin is not something society will always remind me of. No matter what I choose to do, there will always be people out there ready and willing to use it against me as an insult and until my virginity is deleted I will have absolutely no answer. I can delude myself into thinking it doesn't matter all I want and live in my own little world but other people are always going to exist and they are always going to make it clear that I'm an inferior human for not completing my biological imperative. So what if virginity is just a social construct? Society itself is still out there and constructed.

But admittedly, even if I was no longer a virgin I don't think that would stop my self destructive tendencies either. People will find other ways to degrade me so I would have to find other ways to get ahead of them and the cycle continues. Knowing this isn't going to stop it either. Nobody could possibly hope to stop it until I somehow become ruler of a collective hive mind for all of humanity. That's the only way I can be completely sure that nobody will ever see me as a loser while being a virgin ever again.

 

[Abandoned Character]

It's not useful for me to pretend that being a virgin is not something society will always remind me of. No matter what I choose to do, there will always be people out there ready and willing to use it against me as an insult and until my virginity is deleted I will have absolutely no answer. I can delude myself into thinking it doesn't matter all I want and live in my own little world but other people are always going to exist and they are always going to make it clear that I'm an inferior human for not completing my biological imperative. So what if virginity is just a social construct? Society itself is still out there and constructed.

But admittedly, even if I was no longer a virgin I don't think that would stop my self destructive tendencies either. People will find other ways to degrade me so I would have to find other ways to get ahead of them and the cycle continues. Knowing this isn't going to stop it either. Nobody could possibly hope to stop it until I somehow become ruler of a collective hive mind for all of humanity. That's the only way I can be completely sure that nobody will ever see me as a loser while being a virgin ever again.

The choice you are still making here is giving the reigns of your happiness to other people. Society will try to impose its will on you in what it thinks a virgin is, and you have the power to decide how you want to internalize that. When we were kids, we were not in control of what we internalized, but as adults we have a great deal of control in how we decide to take the throws of life. Again, this is a deeply rooted paradigm that I am challenging you on so I understand that you reject it completely.

What I am challenging is that it does not matter that others see you as a loser. You say "other people will make it clear that I am an inferior human for not completeing my biological imperative." Other people will most definitely try to tell you that, but it is your choice to agree with them or not. I do not think it is clear at all that you are a inferior human being. We are a eusocial organism, it is not imperative that each and every one of us reproduce.

Allowing other people's perception of you to color your own self-identity is a choice we make, whether consciously or unconsciously. If it helps, I can be trite and tell you how confident I am that you are a wonderful person capable of greatness and not at all defined by your sexual status, but that probably won't have much effect. It seems as though you have a self-construction that are resitant to deviate from for no reason other than it is scary and difficulr to tear down old structure. Nonetheless, I am grateful for your engagement because these are thoughts I myself am wrestling with as well, and having a space to expand on my thinking helps reinforce my own positive (and therefore useful) sense of self.

Find the people that do not care about whether or not you are a virgin. In my experience, they are the majority. Surround yourself by people that see you in a positive light regardless of your sexual identity, it is up to you to choose to elevate those people's positive views of you over the negative views of others.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

The choice you are still making here is giving the reigns of your happiness to other people. Society will try to impose its will on you in what it thinks a virgin is, and you have the power to decide how you want to internalize that. When we were kids, we were not in control of what we internalized, but as adults we have a great deal of control in how we decide to take the throws of life. Again, this is a deeply rooted paradigm that I am challenging you on so I understand that you reject it completely.

What I am challenging is that it does not matter that others see you as a loser. You say "other people will make it clear that I am an inferior human for not completeing my biological imperative." Other people will most definitely try to tell you that, but it is your choice to agree with them or not. I do not think it is clear at all that you are a inferior human being. We are a eusocial organism, it is not imperative that each and every one of us reproduce.

Allowing other people's perception of you to color your own self-identity is a choice we make, whether consciously or unconsciously. If it helps, I can be trite and tell you how confident I am that you are a wonderful person capable of greatness and not at all defined by your sexual status, but that probably won't have much effect. It seems as though you have a self-construction that are resitant to deviate from for no reason other than it is scary and difficulr to tear down old structure. Nonetheless, I am grateful for your engagement because these are thoughts I myself am wrestling with as well, and having a space to expand on my thinking helps reinforce my own positive (and therefore useful) sense of self.

Find the people that do not care about whether or not you are a virgin. In my experience, they are the majority. Surround yourself by people that see you in a positive light regardless of your sexual identity, it is up to you to choose to elevate those people's positive views of you over the negative views of others.

Good luck with finding your own copium through it but genuinely I can't see your suggestion as anything but taking a page out of the narcissist playbook. Sure I could make choices to constantly stroke my own ego 24/7 and then surround myself only with people that will also stroke my ego but that doesn't seem like a good thing to me. Yeah I could choose to say fuck society and not play by their rules but then I'm no better than most criminals or even just embarrassingly cringe people in general. Maybe I'm a narcissist anyway but I don't really want to make that another label that's too easy to stick to me.

I have plenty of people who do nothing around me but affirm myself and try to get me to believe I'm a great person but they're just trying to drown out my own delusion with a different, unhealthier one. I promise you that if I were to wake up tomorrow and somehow own being a virgin then I would probably use my newfound confidence to do terrible things and hurt so many innocent people. The very same laziness and fear and self-loathing holding me back is the only force keeping me from causing mass destruction.

Oh yeah, this was about virginity. Well it's not so much just about having sex. If I was really such a good person then I would have a partner regardless because as we all know from looking at incels in the news, only good people deserve relationships.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

It's such a weird concept, too, because with what other experience in life do we consider that not having the experience is some kind of possession? If you've never driven a car, do you own something called "driverlessness" that you then lose when you drive for the first time? When it comes down to it, the entire concept of "virginity" is just a way for men to control reproduction.

I personally have stopped using the term to describe myself, even though I would be considered a virgin by even the broadest of definitions. I am just someone who has never had the experience of sex before, same as I've never been kissed before, same as I've never travelled to x or y country before or done a or b or c thing before. If I do end up having sex before I CTB, then it will be an experience that I gain, not a possession that I lose.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I wonder why doesn't "having sex with yourself" count"... It could be the most deep and frequent sex you ever have.... Or it should just mean that "you are sexually experienced".

 

[Abandoned Character]

I promise you that if I were to wake up tomorrow and somehow own being a virgin then I would probably use my newfound confidence to do terrible things and hurt so many innocent people. The very same laziness and fear and self-loathing holding me back is the only force keeping me from causing mass destruction.

I see, in that case I understand why you find your paradigm more useful than mine. If you truly believe your self-destruction prevents your inner evil from manifesting, then it is definitely better that you do not endeavor to change how you derive your self-image. An unfortunate situation that you have pinned yourself in, but if you think that is best, so be it. Thanks for sharing.

On that last note, bad people get into relationships all of the time. What about all the sex Jeffery Dahmer had!

If I do end up having sex before I CTB, then it will be an experience that I gain, not a possession that I lose.

This is a really good way to put it. A means for men to control reproduction, I haven't considered that before.

 

[sugarb]

I wonder why doesn't "having sex with yourself" count"... It could be the most deep and frequent sex you ever have.... Or it should just mean that "you are sexually experienced".

It's because at a biological level the thought process is:

- a man who gets zero sex is a genetic dead end and socially/physically incompetent, thus deserving shame.
- a woman who has sex with many different partners is potentially diseased and a risky investment (unsure paternity), thus deserving shame.

the point of virginity as a concept is to shame outsiders and behavior that's detrimental to the wider social fabric. It's not the actual amount of sex-having that matters, it's checking the box that says "I am psychologically stable, socially capable and physically able enough to have whatever amount of sex/intimacy is normal with the appropriate number and variety of partners in this culture" so you fit in the in-group.

So I ask you, what makes a virgin? The common answer is for men is "have penetrative sex," but what does that mean exactly? Do I have to be hard? Can I do one pump in and out and then call it a done deal and declare myself a non-virgin? Is completion necessary to officially "lose" virginity? What if, upon entering but a millimeter into a woman (or man or nonbinary) I immediately cum. Am I no longer a virgin then? Kind of a lame way to go, but would that count? What if the last time you had sex was 5, 10, 15 years ago after some trauma? You may experience all the same symptoms of a "virgin" while not fitting the societal definition of the term. Dont you see? It's all made up!

If you are a self-identified virgin and your lack of experience causes you grief, I encourage you to ponder these questions. Virginity is a spectrum and the commonly understood definition is not a rigid label that you are obligated to agree with. Exploring one's sexuality can be a lifelong journey if you let it.

For clarity, I am not asexual, although lately I have been meditating on my sexuality as partially asexual, in the sense that something like kissing is a lot easier for me to engage in than genital stimulation. The latter is very scary, and while I do masturbate very frequently, the idea of sharing myself with another person that way is extremely terrifying. I am working on my ability to communicate that fear to properly be able to explore it. I imagine this topic is hard to navigate for many people, and so I share my thoughts here. In a forum as accepting as this one, I see no better place to dump these thoughts. Thanks for listening. Cheers.

Good post.

I wish sex shaming in general didn't exist. it's really harmful, especially to the young

too much and you're made to feel dirty, like a worthless disposable fap napkin- permanently used up, permanently broken, and permanently undesirable. or made out to be an uncaring douchey fuckboy. not enough, you're a boring prude and you can't pull. None at all and you're a weirdo mega-prude or a misogynistic incel destined to die alone for being hideous and unlikable.

it's just so depressing. Slightly TMI but I was kinda slutty online for a few months so i've seen both sides of the coin to an extent and they're both horrible

 

[Mirrory Me]

It's because at a biological level the thought process is:

- a man who gets zero sex is a genetic dead end and socially/physically incompetent, thus deserving shame.
- a woman who has sex with many different partners is potentially diseased and a risky investment (unsure paternity), thus deserving shame.

the point of virginity as a concept is to shame outsiders and behavior that's detrimental to the wider social fabric. It's not the actual amount of sex-having that matters, it's checking the box that says "I am psychologically stable, socially capable and physically able enough to have whatever amount of sex/intimacy is normal with the appropriate number and variety of partners in this culture" so you fit in the in-group.

Have you heard about not judging a book by its cover? Or does it make you more "socially acceptable if you manage to get sex (or -etc-...), huh? What about if you don't even want it that bad..?

What's bad or good.... I just generally think it's such a deep and personal issue, so no one should try to push someone to perhaps abandon part of themself, since sex (or love) is not just about connecting with someone else, it's part of who you are and how you express your "creativity", so to speak,

 

[sugarb]

Have you heard about not judging a book by its cover? Or does it make you more "socially acceptable if you manage to get sex (or -etc-...), huh? What about if you don't even want it that bad..?

What's bad or good.... I just generally think it's such a deep and personal issue, so no one should try to push someone to perhaps abandon part of themself, since sex (or love) is not just about connecting with someone else, it's part of who you are and how you express your "creativity", so to speak,

the unfortunate reality is that most people do judge a book by it's cover which sucks, but that's life… Being more normal is more socially acceptable. Asexuality and general disinterest are also somewhat stigmatized and it's easy to get lumped in with the prude/incel categories

agreed.