I've been sitting at home for about a month, since my university is now on something like a "vacation". I think about death, I dream that everything will end this year, because every year I become more and more insignificant freak, like those unfortunate people from the Internet who became popular due to their insignificance (I don't know if there are such people in the Western segment, there must be ). I don't want to be like that, although I already am, it would be better for me to die earlier, but I understand that in a few years it will be even worse, so...
At some point I remembered that I had a few weeks left, and the classes would start again, the need to contact teachers, do laboratory tasks that no one needed, and feel fear and stress. What is all this for, my university does not provide any knowledge, I myself am not very smart, I don't know how to do anything, I can't do anything. Moreover, Jepete's chat, and other things, is already much better than me in everything. I have completely lost any adaptation to society, and I don't even want to try, because everyone looks down on me. And I want to open up after every contact with people. I don't know how, I don't understand them, they don't understand me. Psychological age -12. I am nothing.
All the time there is either causeless panic or a state of complete despair. I used to think that using the word "depression" in relation to me would be too much, like teenage maximalism. I'm 22 soon (in March) and I'm in complete shit, I'm probably really depressed now. I hate birthdays - although no one remembers it, and there is no one, it still makes me think, "Another year has passed, you remain a nonentity, and probably even got worse."
I decided to break up with the person with whom I had a relationship, if you can call it that that existed on the Internet, at a distance of thousands of kilometers. Everything was already gray anyway, this would have happened anyway. It's selfish, but it's also hard for me to hold on to relationships when I feel like they're dying. This was the last person close to me, I am sure of it.
I procrastinated all year, for some reason it seemed to me that it would be best to do it between semesters (at times I even thought that I could not do it, but not a day without "depression"), and now I can't move on to action, I procrastinate again unprofitable, and dooming myself to suffer, and becomes even more nothing.
I would like to get an incurable disease, or a grand piano on my head. It would save me from suffering, because these are the only possible developments when I can become "happy", so others need to change the past, but I can't even control the present.
Translated via google
At some point I remembered that I had a few weeks left, and the classes would start again, the need to contact teachers, do laboratory tasks that no one needed, and feel fear and stress. What is all this for, my university does not provide any knowledge, I myself am not very smart, I don't know how to do anything, I can't do anything. Moreover, Jepete's chat, and other things, is already much better than me in everything. I have completely lost any adaptation to society, and I don't even want to try, because everyone looks down on me. And I want to open up after every contact with people. I don't know how, I don't understand them, they don't understand me. Psychological age -12. I am nothing.
All the time there is either causeless panic or a state of complete despair. I used to think that using the word "depression" in relation to me would be too much, like teenage maximalism. I'm 22 soon (in March) and I'm in complete shit, I'm probably really depressed now. I hate birthdays - although no one remembers it, and there is no one, it still makes me think, "Another year has passed, you remain a nonentity, and probably even got worse."
I decided to break up with the person with whom I had a relationship, if you can call it that that existed on the Internet, at a distance of thousands of kilometers. Everything was already gray anyway, this would have happened anyway. It's selfish, but it's also hard for me to hold on to relationships when I feel like they're dying. This was the last person close to me, I am sure of it.
I procrastinated all year, for some reason it seemed to me that it would be best to do it between semesters (at times I even thought that I could not do it, but not a day without "depression"), and now I can't move on to action, I procrastinate again unprofitable, and dooming myself to suffer, and becomes even more nothing.
I would like to get an incurable disease, or a grand piano on my head. It would save me from suffering, because these are the only possible developments when I can become "happy", so others need to change the past, but I can't even control the present.
Translated via google
