Venting Very close to having a breakdown maybe

[draw a circle]

I had a good week in my cousin's place but it's just me pushing back my anxiety. Now I'm back home, it's midnight and I kinda want to cry. It's on stupid things so I'm gonna list them here cuz nobody would listen and I'm not up to being judged.

I cut my hair but regretted it. I just paid this semester's tuition and that means I have to work on my thesis again. I keep being reminded (by myself) that I skipped some important things that I should've done before now. I'm worrying about how I might really be in the wrong in my one-sided fight with my friend (I was angry at them but mostly disappointed and hurt, and they don't care that I'm angry). I'm scared that they'd see me as toxic if I keep being like this (depressed and anxious) and cut me off (unlikely but plausible). I really wanted to just attempt anything at ctb, don't have to be successful as long as there's no permanent side effect, just so I don't have to waste my time explaining, but it's too late that I probably should do it for real. God fuckin dammit I'm just really anxious and I just remembered I drank quite a strong coffee this evening and wondering if it has anything to do with this? I might never drink a coffee anymore tbh.

I hate crying so I'm not gonna do it (and my parents would notice if I am, my house doesn't have a lot of privacy) but holy shit I'm like super close. I wish I can talk to my friend but I'm scared I'm gonna get ignored and I think I'll break down if they ignore me one more time.

Who knows what I would do if I were living alone... I feel like I would be the type of person that died alone in a dingy apartment during a lockdown because I was already depressed and nobody is there to stop me. Anyway I'm just gonna go to sleep for preferably forever but I'll take 70 years. Please let me sleep for 70 years

 

[so tired or manic]

that's a lot of stuff, no wonder you're overwhelmed. focus on one task at a time and before you know it the little things will be taken care of, making it easier to tackle the bigger things.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

That's a LOT of stuff to navigate. i can relate to quite a bit of it - the least of which is the hair. It grows (oh so slowly!).

Does your city have any COVID resources for mental health? Mine does and twice I phoned it and talked to psychotherapists. No strings attached, I used a fake name and save $100s. It might help to have a neutral third party hear you out. In addition to us here of course.

 

[draw a circle]

Does your city have any COVID resources for mental health? Mine does and twice I phoned it and talked to psychotherapists. No strings attached, I used a fake name and save $100s. It might help to have a neutral third party hear you out. In addition to us here of course.

Hmm I don't quite know tbh... My country is wack at handling both COVID and mental health. We got hotlines and such for suicide prevention but I hate talking on the phone as well. It's afternoon now and I'm feeling a bit better. It's easier to pretend to be okay under the daylight. I think I'm just gonna lay off coffee for a while lol it drives my anxiety up the fucking wall

that's a lot of stuff, no wonder you're overwhelmed. focus on one task at a time and before you know it the little things will be taken care of, making it easier to tackle the bigger things.

Thanks for the advice. I'm running out of time to tackle things one by one, that's why I'm feeling overwhelmed. Logically I know I probably only need some really drastic changes to fix my life but it's a difficult thing and one of my most important moral support is not available for me. Not blaming them, but it would be easier to handle if I had someone by my side.