happynuclearwinter
Hand me my shovel, I'm going in
- Oct 10, 2023
- 5
What I'm about to write is cringe but whatever. I think people know me as the edgiest mf ever alive, my friend knows that, it's an open secret. To the point people around me can't take me seriously anymore everytime I'm having a breakdown, I don't blame them tbh. I know that being bothered with constant demands of someone else's life threatening conditions suck ass.
So I stopped reaching for help. Atleast with people around me. I kept keeping everyone at arms length because that's what the best for me and you. I don't like being needy. I don't like being so called "burden". I don't like showing people how depressed I am, it's humiliating. Heck I wish I'm normal. I want to be normal so bad.
I've went to therapy, not good. Horrible. All I got is +20kg weight gain. I'm bulimic way before therapy happened. Healthcare isn't the best if you live in a 3rd world country. Not anorexic because I'm fat, that's just how they categorize it I think, how convenient .
Okay so the reason? Variable of things. So many factors. Family problems, money problems, how I'm battling with my self image, all that jazz.
My mother was physically abusive growing up, I remembered that my body would be constantly bruising and purplish, which I would poke, because it has this silly shapes and dots upside and I played with it as if it was a sensory toy LOL. Another time I was crying and she grabbed a scissor and starts to harm my left hand, she did this circling motion with the scissor, idk what I did to deserve that. For those who reading this and thinking, "I was abused by my parents too and I'm turned out fine!" You are not.
This type of stuff continues until 2020. Where she completely tames out bcs she found a new dude that she dates until now. Good for her I guess idk I don't blame her because she went through a massive pain in the ass what I would called a father, he does everything that every unavailable father would do! Gambles, womanizer, bad with money, alcoholic etc. He's a black belt jiujitsu instructor so everytime he hit me it hurts for DAYS.
It's just so normal in this dysfunctional family. One of my most painful memory is my younger brother would accompany my dad to play poker with his friends and my dad won the gambling. They both went home and my little brother shouted "dad wins today! We'll eat fried chicken tonight!". He was 7.
It's not like we were super poor -lives in a shack - type of poor but I just remembered that we can't really afford anything nice. I only go to kfc when it's my birthday. No physical presents. What a luxury. I never complain about this though because I thought this is the norm for every household out there LOL
At school I sticks out like a sore thumb, physically tan (don't come at me with oww dark skin are so pretty!!! My brother in christ we're in southeast asia) messy, stupid loser who draws all the time. I was constantly bullied. Even as a kid I am aware that I'm not conventionally attractive, my childhood pictures looked like a freakshow. No one has a crush on me. My uniforms are hand me downs from my sister (yes I'm a middle child, this will comes out again later). And my parents refuses to buy me books. So all I got is notepads, I feel bad for those who sits next to me. They'll let you know that they don't like sharing.
I've been drawing all my life and that's the only thing I'm good at. I want to pursue art. My parents doesn't really care though. I bought all of my art supplies by myself. They never chip in a single cents ever. Which I take pride in that. All my life I thought if you can draw good then you're guaranteed a prosperous career! I was so fucking wrong.
You need a degree and exps! And mostly luck. My parents refuses to put me to college, yet they sent my sister n my brother out there. This hurts so fucking bad. My mom lied to her friend that I went to college just so she can save herself from the shame.
At this point I just realize it's a blantant favoritism, Mother always talks about how she wants a son and not a daughter, a loser daughter like me. Heck my siblings were abused too but they're supported by my parents growing up.
Creative industry here is also fucked up. Runned by people who don't know jackshit abt drawing. Every so called studio with inadequate shit inside will sucks out your soul alive and pays you minimum wage, working as a cleaning service is much more worth it at this point. Imagine pumping out 1 finished artwork per day and being paid $7 bucks. Your coworkers are brainwashed with the we are family bullshittery. It's a matter of time that I'd be brainwashed as well. I tried to apply somewhere else but I have no luck. That's what I'm lacking. Luck. Or maybe it's all just skill issues from my side.
I wish every exploitative art studios burns. But that's just not how it works and that's not how it'll turns out in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired. My coworkers kept saying do the bare minimum, but like, they done so fucking good at their tasks, not to mention they do side commissions, like how the fuck did they do that? I'm barely alive when I arrive at my room. I disassociate all the time.
So I pushed harder and harder until I get CTS. Both of my hands caught it. It felt like my world is crumbling. Now I'm actually suck at drawing. I can't do the only thing I can do. This is like the factor that shoves me to the edge. I'm not recovering anytime soon and it drives me nuts. I don't have insurance to cover me because the last time I asked my dad to help with insurance he used my ID card to sign up a shady loan services for $900 without me knowing.
I escape home for a job 1000km away just stuck in another meat prison, so to speak.
I've been looking at SN and I realized how accessible it's here. But to me it's expensive as heck, it's half of my total salary per month.
I want to die so bad. I'm on my breaking point. It doesn't get better. Everytime it gets slightly better life just throws another problem at you. I hate it here.
So I stopped reaching for help. Atleast with people around me. I kept keeping everyone at arms length because that's what the best for me and you. I don't like being needy. I don't like being so called "burden". I don't like showing people how depressed I am, it's humiliating. Heck I wish I'm normal. I want to be normal so bad.
I've went to therapy, not good. Horrible. All I got is +20kg weight gain. I'm bulimic way before therapy happened. Healthcare isn't the best if you live in a 3rd world country. Not anorexic because I'm fat, that's just how they categorize it I think, how convenient .
Okay so the reason? Variable of things. So many factors. Family problems, money problems, how I'm battling with my self image, all that jazz.
My mother was physically abusive growing up, I remembered that my body would be constantly bruising and purplish, which I would poke, because it has this silly shapes and dots upside and I played with it as if it was a sensory toy LOL. Another time I was crying and she grabbed a scissor and starts to harm my left hand, she did this circling motion with the scissor, idk what I did to deserve that. For those who reading this and thinking, "I was abused by my parents too and I'm turned out fine!" You are not.
This type of stuff continues until 2020. Where she completely tames out bcs she found a new dude that she dates until now. Good for her I guess idk I don't blame her because she went through a massive pain in the ass what I would called a father, he does everything that every unavailable father would do! Gambles, womanizer, bad with money, alcoholic etc. He's a black belt jiujitsu instructor so everytime he hit me it hurts for DAYS.
It's just so normal in this dysfunctional family. One of my most painful memory is my younger brother would accompany my dad to play poker with his friends and my dad won the gambling. They both went home and my little brother shouted "dad wins today! We'll eat fried chicken tonight!". He was 7.
It's not like we were super poor -lives in a shack - type of poor but I just remembered that we can't really afford anything nice. I only go to kfc when it's my birthday. No physical presents. What a luxury. I never complain about this though because I thought this is the norm for every household out there LOL
At school I sticks out like a sore thumb, physically tan (don't come at me with oww dark skin are so pretty!!! My brother in christ we're in southeast asia) messy, stupid loser who draws all the time. I was constantly bullied. Even as a kid I am aware that I'm not conventionally attractive, my childhood pictures looked like a freakshow. No one has a crush on me. My uniforms are hand me downs from my sister (yes I'm a middle child, this will comes out again later). And my parents refuses to buy me books. So all I got is notepads, I feel bad for those who sits next to me. They'll let you know that they don't like sharing.
I've been drawing all my life and that's the only thing I'm good at. I want to pursue art. My parents doesn't really care though. I bought all of my art supplies by myself. They never chip in a single cents ever. Which I take pride in that. All my life I thought if you can draw good then you're guaranteed a prosperous career! I was so fucking wrong.
You need a degree and exps! And mostly luck. My parents refuses to put me to college, yet they sent my sister n my brother out there. This hurts so fucking bad. My mom lied to her friend that I went to college just so she can save herself from the shame.
At this point I just realize it's a blantant favoritism, Mother always talks about how she wants a son and not a daughter, a loser daughter like me. Heck my siblings were abused too but they're supported by my parents growing up.
Creative industry here is also fucked up. Runned by people who don't know jackshit abt drawing. Every so called studio with inadequate shit inside will sucks out your soul alive and pays you minimum wage, working as a cleaning service is much more worth it at this point. Imagine pumping out 1 finished artwork per day and being paid $7 bucks. Your coworkers are brainwashed with the we are family bullshittery. It's a matter of time that I'd be brainwashed as well. I tried to apply somewhere else but I have no luck. That's what I'm lacking. Luck. Or maybe it's all just skill issues from my side.
I wish every exploitative art studios burns. But that's just not how it works and that's not how it'll turns out in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired. My coworkers kept saying do the bare minimum, but like, they done so fucking good at their tasks, not to mention they do side commissions, like how the fuck did they do that? I'm barely alive when I arrive at my room. I disassociate all the time.
So I pushed harder and harder until I get CTS. Both of my hands caught it. It felt like my world is crumbling. Now I'm actually suck at drawing. I can't do the only thing I can do. This is like the factor that shoves me to the edge. I'm not recovering anytime soon and it drives me nuts. I don't have insurance to cover me because the last time I asked my dad to help with insurance he used my ID card to sign up a shady loan services for $900 without me knowing.
I escape home for a job 1000km away just stuck in another meat prison, so to speak.
I've been looking at SN and I realized how accessible it's here. But to me it's expensive as heck, it's half of my total salary per month.
I want to die so bad. I'm on my breaking point. It doesn't get better. Everytime it gets slightly better life just throws another problem at you. I hate it here.
I'm sorry that this also happens to you man.
