Venting

[Fadinglife]

I feel like i am too weak to survive in the world. I am tired of pain and suffering so much that i don't even feel any other emotions. Everything around seems dark. I feel at peace with the thought of going to sleep and never waking up. Every single day, i despise that i am alive. I wanna leave the world and go to sleep again to feel at peace, but i can't even sleep well. I wake up with panic attacks. Something broke inside of me few weeks ago. I don't have any energy even for standing, everything seems heavy. Peace seems distant, happiness or joy are ghost of very few childhood memories to the extent that they don't even look mine, contentment keeps twinkling in the distant sky. I don't even feel like i have a right to seek for comfort from my partner, i feel like i should be strong, but i am weak and i am fading fast. It is becoming hard to open up about my state of mind to him. He deals with his mental illness on his own and doesn't seem to need any comfort or support neither he has asked for it, i try to be there for him and he knows i care about him. Pain and agony i am in is unbearable, it's eating me alive. I don't even cry as much as i used to. I have become too numb and it's not me. I know i am nothing without my emotions yet i would collapse if i let them in. They are overwhelming and i have started to think i may have been slowly loosing the ability to deeply feel them. It's a huge part of my identity and i am loosing myself bit by bit. I feel lost. With emotions gone i feel like i am loosing the ability to form deep connections. They are very important for me, it makes my life worth living. Although people have usually disappointed me, but i really cherish the bonds with deep connections, understanding, kindness, non judgemental attitude and acceptance. I don't want connections i have built to weaken overtime because of the loss within me. Usually people mirror back what is given to them. If i don't feel anything, i know i would get the same reactions from the people i care about, because they may feel rejected. It goes both ways but with my emotions i brush aside the rejections and i am usually on giving end, but i still enjoy it, as i care less about what i get, happiness of care of the people i love become the priority, as i know they are in pain. However, when i am at lowest it feels so selfish to ask for care and compassion, even though i need it the most then.
Does anyone feel the same way?

 

[wiIIow]

I feel your pain, and I'm sorry you're suffering so much. It does make sense for you to become detached from yourself and your emotions if they are too painful, I think it's a common defense mechanism of the brain. So just know you're not crazy or anything, your brain is probably in self-preservation mode. Unfortunately, this can lead to even more suffering and it really fucking sucks.

I used to cry a lot when my serious mental illnesses were setting in, and now I've grown to be so numb to it all that I feel like the living dead. It drives me to just want to sleep as much as possible, which is not possible if I'm leaning more heavily towards the anxiety end of things. I've started to take Unisom (doxylamine, the same antihistamine found in Nyquil; dyphenhydramine gives me a horrible physical reaction) for sleep, and it's actually been helping me to rest for once. Idk if you might try that if you have bad insomnia like me. Then again, at points where my anxiety was the worst, sleeping pills didn't do an ounce of shit for me.

I dunno, just wanted to say something to let you know you're not alone in feeling like this. it's hard NOT to detach when every sense and emotion is painful. you have my sympathy and empathy. take care