I've been struggling with this depression and anxiety crap for about 5 years now, and I've never been able to be the same. At first I was eager to get ahead and get better, I trusted the therapy and the doctors, but they only made things tremendously worse, and not just once, but 2 times, and, by the second time, they ended up taking away one of the few things that kept me in this world: sex. They induced sexual dysfunction, and although it partially recovered, it's not what it used to be. I am only 23 years old. Also, they took away my ability to have good days, great days, and bad days. Now there are no more wonderful days, no more pleasant relaxation, no more laughter that makes your stomach hurts. Now there is only leisure and boredom, where were those good moments, and the bad moments are still there.
I had to give up the career of my dreams, for which I had put all my chips, and that motivated me to study, because of a cognitive dysfunction supposedly due to anxiety and stress. Now, that I'm in another one, (which although I'm not passionate about it, I do enjoy and like it) my performance worsened terribly because I didn't have the ability to study due to a cognitive dysfunction induced by anxiety medication. XD. I experienced hell again. I fell behind in college. Even though I was a good student, made it easy to study and have decent and good grades. I lost the prestige I had among those close to me, I lost my university life, I lost the parties, the friends, the flirtations, the talks with professors, the network of contacts. For shit, even now in the direction of the career they look at me as the sickly one.
I don't know who to trust anymore, what to rely on to get me out of this if when I decide to give myself to a treatment, they kill me to the point of having to hospitalize me for the shitty drugs, which were destroying my muscles and kidneys. Even the psychologists are crap. I spent years looking for one to help me, until I recently found the right one, but it's too late, I'm completely broken.
I'm tired, very tired. My family is tired. My partner is tired. My friends don't look at me the same anymore. Worry is no longer worry, it now transitions to annoyance. I see it in their faces, in the way they look at me. And I understand it! It's been several years of the same thing. And I feel sorry for them. In moments of anger, they have even told me the truth. That I don't know anything about life, that I am just a waster of money on doctors, that I am a failure, a coward and lazy. I agree with all but the last two things. I am not a coward, I am no longer afraid, I am already hardened to the point that nothing matters to me; and I am not lazy, I have no motivation to even make it through my 30s.
What saddens me the most is that he was a good project. I was intelligent, capable, and despite not being "handsome" I had a confidence that was attractive, added to that, I had a tremendous desire to emerge. But life rejected me, it gave me a slap in the face that I will not be able to get out of.
Questioning what happened doesn't make sense so many years later. Is it that marijuana I smoked? Is it the acne treatment with that drug that causes depression? Is it my perception of my environment that forced me to value my life in relation to my performance? Is it my mom? Is it my dad? Is it everything? What the fuck does it matter at this point. I'm fucked up and extremely tired.
Sorry for the text, but I wanted to get it off my chest.
I had to give up the career of my dreams, for which I had put all my chips, and that motivated me to study, because of a cognitive dysfunction supposedly due to anxiety and stress. Now, that I'm in another one, (which although I'm not passionate about it, I do enjoy and like it) my performance worsened terribly because I didn't have the ability to study due to a cognitive dysfunction induced by anxiety medication. XD. I experienced hell again. I fell behind in college. Even though I was a good student, made it easy to study and have decent and good grades. I lost the prestige I had among those close to me, I lost my university life, I lost the parties, the friends, the flirtations, the talks with professors, the network of contacts. For shit, even now in the direction of the career they look at me as the sickly one.
I don't know who to trust anymore, what to rely on to get me out of this if when I decide to give myself to a treatment, they kill me to the point of having to hospitalize me for the shitty drugs, which were destroying my muscles and kidneys. Even the psychologists are crap. I spent years looking for one to help me, until I recently found the right one, but it's too late, I'm completely broken.
I'm tired, very tired. My family is tired. My partner is tired. My friends don't look at me the same anymore. Worry is no longer worry, it now transitions to annoyance. I see it in their faces, in the way they look at me. And I understand it! It's been several years of the same thing. And I feel sorry for them. In moments of anger, they have even told me the truth. That I don't know anything about life, that I am just a waster of money on doctors, that I am a failure, a coward and lazy. I agree with all but the last two things. I am not a coward, I am no longer afraid, I am already hardened to the point that nothing matters to me; and I am not lazy, I have no motivation to even make it through my 30s.
What saddens me the most is that he was a good project. I was intelligent, capable, and despite not being "handsome" I had a confidence that was attractive, added to that, I had a tremendous desire to emerge. But life rejected me, it gave me a slap in the face that I will not be able to get out of.
Questioning what happened doesn't make sense so many years later. Is it that marijuana I smoked? Is it the acne treatment with that drug that causes depression? Is it my perception of my environment that forced me to value my life in relation to my performance? Is it my mom? Is it my dad? Is it everything? What the fuck does it matter at this point. I'm fucked up and extremely tired.
Sorry for the text, but I wanted to get it off my chest.
