But it does. It always does:/. I've been couchsurfing since my last visit here. Or just hanging around the city. But its getting colder so that wont be a viable option anymore. I did a "homeless application" with the council that will take a few weeks at most (if successful, ofc).
Didn't have a phone or internet for a while, lost all my email accounts etc, so I couldn't check on anyone here.. and now I just feel so alone.
Also worried I let some folk down when they needed someone to talk to and i wasn't available. I hate disappearing randomly, yet I've been doing that for the past 2 years due to my chaotic lifestyle i guess. So I lost contact with literally everyone I knew.
There's no one to talk to. I can feel my head exploding from just holding back the anger and tears. Being forced to keep a straight face when you're just falling apart is a different kind of hurt. My head hurts from it and I feel a kind of pressure inside my forehead now.
People on this site just get it. People here are so kind. All of you deserve so much more than this world can offer. Everyone here is so welcoming, and lets me just say everything like it is, without judgment.
Every day I was (kinda still am, i just run from one bad place to another) hearing abuse from mean, unhappy individuals (supposedly family, but i will never call it that again, we arent even related. We know each other by chance and they just stuck around for the past 10 yrs, like a parasite) and eventually got my card stolen off me, put in a lil bit of debt, and of course beat on me. My sisters dont care or just said "good."
I wish that was the worst thing that happened. But the entitlement & audacity stood out and really pissed me off this time, more than usual. my card was a big round 0. They knew. I couldn't even get bread to eat, just so they can get petrol for their 3rd car. Just what the fck man.
Everything is falling apart - breakdown of all family/friend relationships. Physical health is just a joke at this point. Im genuinely surprised my heart didn't give out on me by now. There was one close call tho.
Mentally - I dont even know what to do. I am genuinely stuck. How do i get help without being sectioned, or put on a waiting list (for like, the 5th time) that will never amount to anything. My thoughts are complete gibberish to me at times, yet i used to be so well spoken. I was always in tune with the feelings and thoughts in my head. But now I simply can't identify WHAT it is I'm feeling. It's so fucking weird. I feel it but I don't know what it is. I can't describe it and its so frustrating. How do I not know what im feeling. Its right there, but I don't have a name for the feeling. Sometimes I feel nothing. Just completed carelessness to everything atp. I've begun full on hearing/seeing stuff, not just in my peripheral vision. I dont think my gp will take me seriously, i go there ALL. THE. TIME. With tons of things that don't seem related to eachother at all, so I'm sensing they think I'm faking or at least exaggerating. Last time i called in due to depression, the pills made me feel like I was on speed though (i googled tf out of this, i still dont know why i felt like that. They do not work like that.) Definitely got me out of bed, but not what I wanted. Was fun for like 2 day's because serotonin, but then my whole body hurt and I chewed a hole in my cheek. Not fun.
Now I'm just sitting here after yet another shit day, not knowing what tomorrow is gonna be like. Makes me miss the times when I couldn't get out of bed, cause now i don't even have one. Every day has been so crazy and different, I'm just ready to give up. I just want a bit of stability.
This is just a rant, or life update. Not sure what the point of this post is. I just dont have anywhere else I can rant. I rarely get the chance to sit and think stuff through anymore. I realise this post is probably very messy and confusing. But I genuinely have no one. I don't keep in touch with a single person from my whole life. So even a stupid post like this is the most relief I have in months. Every day feels so empty. I used to write a lot, so hopefully if I start doing that again - it might help.
I wish you all an amazing day/night, I hope something makes you smile today. Sending love and hugs. So many of you are so beautiful inside, so sad that we have to meet on here.
Didn't have a phone or internet for a while, lost all my email accounts etc, so I couldn't check on anyone here.. and now I just feel so alone.
Also worried I let some folk down when they needed someone to talk to and i wasn't available. I hate disappearing randomly, yet I've been doing that for the past 2 years due to my chaotic lifestyle i guess. So I lost contact with literally everyone I knew.
There's no one to talk to. I can feel my head exploding from just holding back the anger and tears. Being forced to keep a straight face when you're just falling apart is a different kind of hurt. My head hurts from it and I feel a kind of pressure inside my forehead now.
People on this site just get it. People here are so kind. All of you deserve so much more than this world can offer. Everyone here is so welcoming, and lets me just say everything like it is, without judgment.
Every day I was (kinda still am, i just run from one bad place to another) hearing abuse from mean, unhappy individuals (supposedly family, but i will never call it that again, we arent even related. We know each other by chance and they just stuck around for the past 10 yrs, like a parasite) and eventually got my card stolen off me, put in a lil bit of debt, and of course beat on me. My sisters dont care or just said "good."
I wish that was the worst thing that happened. But the entitlement & audacity stood out and really pissed me off this time, more than usual. my card was a big round 0. They knew. I couldn't even get bread to eat, just so they can get petrol for their 3rd car. Just what the fck man.
Everything is falling apart - breakdown of all family/friend relationships. Physical health is just a joke at this point. Im genuinely surprised my heart didn't give out on me by now. There was one close call tho.
Mentally - I dont even know what to do. I am genuinely stuck. How do i get help without being sectioned, or put on a waiting list (for like, the 5th time) that will never amount to anything. My thoughts are complete gibberish to me at times, yet i used to be so well spoken. I was always in tune with the feelings and thoughts in my head. But now I simply can't identify WHAT it is I'm feeling. It's so fucking weird. I feel it but I don't know what it is. I can't describe it and its so frustrating. How do I not know what im feeling. Its right there, but I don't have a name for the feeling. Sometimes I feel nothing. Just completed carelessness to everything atp. I've begun full on hearing/seeing stuff, not just in my peripheral vision. I dont think my gp will take me seriously, i go there ALL. THE. TIME. With tons of things that don't seem related to eachother at all, so I'm sensing they think I'm faking or at least exaggerating. Last time i called in due to depression, the pills made me feel like I was on speed though (i googled tf out of this, i still dont know why i felt like that. They do not work like that.) Definitely got me out of bed, but not what I wanted. Was fun for like 2 day's because serotonin, but then my whole body hurt and I chewed a hole in my cheek. Not fun.
Now I'm just sitting here after yet another shit day, not knowing what tomorrow is gonna be like. Makes me miss the times when I couldn't get out of bed, cause now i don't even have one. Every day has been so crazy and different, I'm just ready to give up. I just want a bit of stability.
This is just a rant, or life update. Not sure what the point of this post is. I just dont have anywhere else I can rant. I rarely get the chance to sit and think stuff through anymore. I realise this post is probably very messy and confusing. But I genuinely have no one. I don't keep in touch with a single person from my whole life. So even a stupid post like this is the most relief I have in months. Every day feels so empty. I used to write a lot, so hopefully if I start doing that again - it might help.
I wish you all an amazing day/night, I hope something makes you smile today. Sending love and hugs. So many of you are so beautiful inside, so sad that we have to meet on here.
