Venting Venting, torn between

[MourningHeart]

Hello, this is my first thread, I just want to reach out once, to be judged by people i want to.

I just started regimen at 6pm (UTC+1, Germany).
My reasons to CTB are alot (but no physical pains) but mostly because being divorced and left by my wife, it pushed me over the edge.

Our relationship was 7 years, nearly 6 months ago we break apart (still living together). So i only continued to live here staying at home every day. Today she messaged me (shes away, at her new boyfriend now) that she will quit her job and terminate our apartment now because she got her new job there at her new boyfriend. It was only a matter of time, i knew it was obvious.

So, im a person who follows 'instinct' and 'signs', and today, its a perfect call of my wife - thats the very end. And my mom messaged me also today - shes now flying away to her homeland (because of other reasons). I thought, my mom have her close family over there and if i die now, its the best, they can comfort her. And my wife tells me, everything works out perfectly and she will arrive in 3 days here. So i have perfect timing to die, for both of them.

I'm so torn because i really dont want to die. Im afraid of what comes after or that nothing comes after. I will never participate in this world im familiar with. But everything has to end anyways. But life will end anyways and its short.

But i dont see any (bright) future for myself. Im 32 now, i HATE my job i would never do it again so i can only apply for any low wage job, if any at all would ever take me. Im really not handsome, even if some girls had interested some years ago, the ones i had relationships i met in internet before they saw me, they liked my character only. But i know, not my body/face.

I cant change my body appearence, or my job/education, i studied at university but failed due to noone likes me (appearence, really....). I have no more money, we used it all up. And the only thing what makes me happy was a relationship. I dont have any right or guarantee for that, of course. And i will now, because of my curriculum vitae and my age and appearence, never make any money, i can never look good, im not confident to try to have another relationship again. So, i guess i fail in every manner. Its logical for me at least, i have no values at all now. Its like, live a live at the edge, be scum, or die.

If i found another woman interested i just had a relationship and go on living somehow but i guess it was never real, never love anymore, since my wife was perfect in everything, shes the best character i know.

Im ashamed of my whole life. My body, being jobless/poor, anxious, old and so on. Im ashamed, my mother will be sad. My father died already and shes still mourning. I will kill her with my suicide. Its selfish for me to want to die. Yet, my future is being a sh*t noone ever will care again. Its like a feeling in my guts, or better i think it will be not fulfilled, when it continues as it was. Im ashamed, alot of people in the world have ALOT more or severe problems and pain, especially if i see the ones on here on SS.

Yet, if i think everyone has it worse, it doesnt change the fact im useless or in pain too, really. I cant achieve anything, another one could not do. Im only loyal or rather devoted in love. And this and that. But i cant compare to others.

I dont think i can write anything to express myself correctly, especially in english (sorry). Neither my feelings nor my thoughts. People in RL mostly 'bully' me for their own mistakes, my wife saw i didnt do anything. They hate me for my appearance.
at my mothers homeland, i am handsome, they liked my alot. im asian. My sister says its better i live there.... it hurts to hear that. being ugly even your family know. but i cant learn the language anymore. im home here. i cant imagine to live there. its like prison in my mind.

I do alot of vent, but i know, thats life, everyone suffers, i have no rights for anything, i have to fight for what i want. and i cant get it. so i can choose. i want to die but im afraid like sh*t to die. even though, i just started regimen. If im sad enough, i will use SN and i pray it will work and never come back. I dont want to end a veggie,too. I guess im too afraid to do it in the end. We will see. Now everyone who wants to can judge me or hate, because really, you are right. i would too, hate this one texting. Im mental instable.

Im sorry for all who have this much pain they want to die because i know what this feels like.

Spoiler: SN regimen

For anyone interested, this is my plan:

Tag 1 (Donnerstag, 30.01.2020)
18:00 10mg Metoclopramid

Tag 2 (Freitag, 31.01.2020)
02:00 10mg Metoclopramid
10:00 10mg Metoclopramid
18:00 10mg Metoclopramid
light food
02:00 10mg Metoclopramid

Tag 3 (Samstag, 01.02.2020)
03:45 no food
08:45 no drink
09:45 1000mg Paracetamol
10:00 30mg Metoclopramid
10:15 Antacid (double dose as recommended)
10:45 20g NaNO2 in 50ml water

 

[TAW122]

Wow, that's a lot of hell to go through, I'm sorry to hear that. Whatever decision you decide, I hope you find peace in your decision.

 

[Broken Chimera]

That's a lot of stuff on your plate. I hope you find peace.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

What I see here, first of all, is that you really don't want to die. You said so.

After that I see someone trying to talk himself into doing something he doesn't want to do.

You don't end your life to hurt someone else. You don't end your life because the timing is right for other people.

Only consider taking your life if it's what you really want to do.

I see that your life has been very difficult and you are brave for facing it, day by day. But if you don't want to kill yourself, then don't. There are people to talk to. There are people who will care.

I read that a relationship will make you happy. This is likely not the best time to start a new relationship. Try to focus on what you can do for yourself right now. A confident man is much more attractive and you need to build up your confidence.

Will you be able to find a place to live?

 

[Backwood_tilt]

i want to die but im afraid like sh*t to die

i think we all are. Those of us who intend to cross that border, we're just more afraid of living.

So sorry for all that you're going through. I can relate to a lot of some of what youre describing, struggles of an immigrant, having your partner leave you and that being the trigger, finding the perfect circumstances to CTB and interpreting that as a sign... feeling devoted in love! god do i know that feeling well.

The fear isn't going to leave you. We are genetically programmed to survive. Just have faith in what you're doing, and you will see your way through the suffering.

Unless you change your mind, in which case, don't feel afraid to come here for support, either. This community will be here for you no matter what. Hope you find the peace you are looking for.

What I see here, first of all, is that you really don't want to die. You said so.

Please don't. This binary view of "you either want to die" or you don't is not helpful.

Many of the people here committed to CTBing are as afraid as the next person of dying. That doesn't mean they won't follow through. Fear is a part of life, and in particular the fear of one's own death. This is a very complex subject that extends far beyond your self-imposed duality.

 

[MourningHeart]

What I see here, first of all, is that you really don't want to die. You said so.

After that I see someone trying to talk himself into doing something he doesn't want to do.

You don't end your life to hurt someone else. You don't end your life because the timing is right for other people.

Only consider taking your life if it's what you really want to do.

I see that your life has been very difficult and you are brave for facing it, day by day. But if you don't want to kill yourself, then don't. There are people to talk to. There are people who will care.

I read that a relationship will make you happy. This is likely not the best time to start a new relationship. Try to focus on what you can do for yourself right now. A confident man is much more attractive and you need to build up your confidence.

Will you be able to find a place to live?

Thank you for your detailed response!
I would like to live but its a feeling like i see no point, no future. My life is now at the worst time i have ever had, i did not even think of it can get this worse. Now, i feel like pure surviving with no purpose anymore, likely until the very end. Some people would like to live like that, i dont. Its useless to me. There will not be any miracle, even with my wife we tried to do better but we failed. Now im all by myself. I will have no place to live soon, everything we got we put into my wifes future. Maybe for a few weeks but if i get no job, i can die on the street.

i think we all are. Those of us who intend to cross that border, we're just more afraid of living.

So sorry for all that you're going through. I can relate to a lot of some of what youre describing, struggles of an immigrant, having your partner leave you and that being the trigger, finding the perfect circumstances to CTB and interpreting that as a sign... feeling devoted in love! god do i know that feeling well.

The fear isn't going to leave you. We are genetically programmed to survive. Just have faith in what you're doing, and you will see your way through the suffering.

Unless you change your mind, in which case, don't feel afraid to come here for support, either. This community will be here for you no matter what. Hope you find the peace you are looking for.


Please don't. This binary view of "you either want to die" or you don't is not helpful.

Many of the people here committed to CTBing are as afraid as the next person of dying. That doesn't mean they won't follow through. Fear is a part of life, and in particular the fear of one's own death. This is a very complex subject that extends far beyond your self-imposed duality.

Thanks for your detailed answer!

Especially to know some of my feelings i have. I know for most people its hard to understand why i even want to CTB. Theres of course even more reasons i did not yet describe but its my current position. Yes my fear does not go away until now. Maybe 16 hours to go right now. Mostly im numb, i try not to think any because i fear too much. I pray for forgiveness and dont even now in what to believe or not, im afraid to do more mistakes - to expect something/nothing to happen, but then it happens another.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

What a horrible situation to be in, a horrible way to feel. I'm not surprised you are scared. I can understand your conflict in not wanting to die but feeling you have no other way. I think many people on here feel similar.
To attempt suicide takes courage but to continue on with life when you feel so overwhelmed takes courage too. I really hope you can make a decision that's right for you.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I'm so torn because i really dont want to die. Im afraid of what comes after or that nothing comes after. I will never participate in this world im familiar with. But everything has to end anyways. But life will end anyways and its short.

But i dont see any (bright) future for myself. Im 32 now, i HATE my job i would never do it again so i can only apply for any low wage job, if any at all would ever take me. Im really not handsome, even if some girls had interested some years ago, the ones i had relationships i met in internet before they saw me, they liked my character only. But i know, not my body/face.

I cant change my body appearence, or my job/education, i studied at university but failed due to noone likes me (appearence, really....). I have no more money, we used it all up. And the only thing what makes me happy was a relationship. I dont have any right or guarantee for that, of course. And i will now, because of my curriculum vitae and my age and appearence, never make any money, i can never look good, im not confident to try to have another relationship again. So, i guess i fail in every manner. Its logical for me at least, i have no values at all now. Its like, live a live at the edge, be scum, or die.

If i found another woman interested i just had a relationship and go on living somehow but i guess it was never real, never love anymore, since my wife was perfect in everything, shes the best character i know.

Im ashamed of my whole life. My body, being jobless/poor, anxious, old and so on. Im ashamed, my mother will be sad. My father died already and shes still mourning. I will kill her with my suicide. Its selfish for me to want to die. Yet, my future is being a sh*t noone ever will care again. Its like a feeling in my guts, or better i think it will be not fulfilled, when it continues as it was. Im ashamed, alot of people in the world have ALOT more or severe problems and pain, especially if i see the ones on here on SS.

Yet, if i think everyone has it worse, it doesnt change the fact im useless or in pain too, really. I cant achieve anything, another one could not do. Im only loyal or rather devoted in love. And this and that. But i cant compare to others.

I dont think i can write anything to express myself correctly, especially in english (sorry). Neither my feelings nor my thoughts. People in RL mostly 'bully' me for their own mistakes, my wife saw i didnt do anything. They hate me for my appearance.
at my mothers homeland, i am handsome, they liked my alot. im asian. My sister says its better i live there.... it hurts to hear that. being ugly even your family know. but i cant learn the language anymore. im home here. i cant imagine to live there. its like prison in my mind.

I do alot of vent, but i know, thats life, everyone suffers, i have no rights for anything, i have to fight for what i want. and i cant get it. so i can choose. i want to die but im afraid like sh*t to die. even though, i just started regimen. If im sad enough, i will use SN and i pray it will work and never come back. I dont want to end a veggie,too. I guess im too afraid to do it in the end. We will see. Now everyone who wants to can judge me or hate, because really, you are right. i would too, hate this one texting. Im mental instable.

Im sorry for all who have this much pain they want to die because i know what this feels like.

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. You've been through so much. Many of us have the same fear as you and most of the people here don't want to die, we've just been pushed to the edge from the pain and suffering of life that we're unable to take it anymore. Life will eventually end as it always does and death is the only thing that is certain and eternal. So why should we keep existing in this life that is meaningless? It's sad to live in this superficial world, it disgusts me how shallow people are. You don't need to feel ashamed of feeling this way and about the severe problems of others. We all have different problems and wanting to end our lives isn't something we should be ashamed of. Our souls have been burdened beyond that they can bear. I can really relate to being devoted in love, I can only live for that or not at all. We won't judge you or hate you, nothing is your fault. It's this vile life and horrible people that drive many of us to suicide. You have to do what's right for you, no matter what your decision is, I hope you find eternal peace.