irregularheartbeat
Memento Mori
- Aug 25, 2019
- 65
I guess I'm using this place as a diary or some shit to get this off my chest, I don't have anyone else to tell, or talk to. It's been a rough few days surrounding this, and being forced to admit all of my mistakes. This still isn't everything, it's just a summary I guess. Enjoy my shit show? Don't enjoy my shit show? Roast me, tell me which parts are especially my fault? Thanks.
Do we do trigger warnings here?
Trigger warning for sexual assult and alcholism
A year ago, I was invited into a marriage as a third. The man was my friends older brother, we can call Eric, his wife we will call Shay.
Before I was invited in, it started as me and my friend going over to hang out, and drink. I was upset about some dates with this guy going wrong, and getting to know people I had only ever known in passing seemed like a cool time.
After a few times of going over, the admitted to liking me, and having an odd experience with poly before, it seemed like an interesting thing to try again so I agreed.
This led to a lot of drinking, I've struggled with alcoholism since an embarrassingly young age, and this situation brought it back out of me after some time of being /mostly/ sober from alcohol. I was going to work still drunk, having drinks from the bar on shift, and going straight back to drink after work again.
They obviously had a lot of problems in their marriage, and it should of been my first sign to leave but I love making bad choices.
Despite it being an often awkward situation while sitting quietly in between their arguments and long silences while mad at each other, it was going okay. They had friends over often, and so it was a nice way for a recluse such as myself to meet new people.
One day when I went over, their other brother Darren was there.
Darren had always given me bad feelings, and he wouldn't stop starring at me no matter how many times I asked. I tried not to let it bother me, and drank and tried to enjoy myself like always.
I drank, and I drank, until it was hard to even hold my head up.
Eric told me to take off my clothes, and let everyone see what I had on underneath, I refused and asked when Darren would be leaving, that I'd be perfectly fine undressing when he was gone.
Eric persisted, shay persisted, and Darren sat giving me the same stare. Eric ended up taking my clothes off of me, and I tried to cover myself with a blanket.
I remember them picking me up because I was too drunk to hold myself up to stand, let alone walk. They carried me to a mattress they had on the floor and began to have their way with me.
After a long grueling time, Shay put an end to it because she noticed they were slipping off their condoms, and apparently that wasn't part of the agreement.
They argued for a while, I cried on the floor.
I woke up that night around 5am and called my friends crying, telling then to come pick me up, and they did.
I know for people who have any amount of common sense, this would be the end of this story, anyone with half a brain would of never spoken to them again. But sadly I can't pride myself on my intelligence.
I kept going over, I kept drinking with them, and it did happen again.
Shay decided out of nowhere that she didn't want to see me anymore, and that Eric wasn't allowed to either. This was really upsetting to me at the time, and I didn't want things to end.
So I kept seeing Eric behind her back, he would come pick me up in his car, we would either drive around and smoke, or about twice we ended up in a park to have sex.
This is around the time I met my current boyfriend, I wanted to be transparent with since he had told me if I ever found someone, I should go for it and stop seeing him. So I told him I was going to hang out with Al, he ended up blowing up on me and I told him to fuck off, and I didn't speak to him again.
Until a few months later, he messaged me claiming I sent him a picture. One I had sent him, but while I was still with them both because I was at my old job in the picture. I asked him to leave me alone, and among many other nasty things, he told me to kill myself, and sent a sexually explicit photo of me when I had been with him to my current boyfriend Al.
I now have a restraining order, enough guilt, and regret, and shame to fuel my depression for a decade.
These things still come up and hurt my relationship now, Al knows everything that happened and is affected by a lot of it. I feel so guilty and ashamed that he ended up a part of that situation, and I feel even more guilty and ashamed that I was ever in this situation, and especially that I let any of this happen to myself. Why did I continue to see people who took advantage of me when I was drunk? Does that erase any bad feelings I'm allowed to have about it?
I think my whole life has been an embarrassing shit show. I don't leave home now, I don't really see anyone except my three friends and Al.
I have so many regrets in this life.
Do we do trigger warnings here?
Trigger warning for sexual assult and alcholismA year ago, I was invited into a marriage as a third. The man was my friends older brother, we can call Eric, his wife we will call Shay.
Before I was invited in, it started as me and my friend going over to hang out, and drink. I was upset about some dates with this guy going wrong, and getting to know people I had only ever known in passing seemed like a cool time.
After a few times of going over, the admitted to liking me, and having an odd experience with poly before, it seemed like an interesting thing to try again so I agreed.
This led to a lot of drinking, I've struggled with alcoholism since an embarrassingly young age, and this situation brought it back out of me after some time of being /mostly/ sober from alcohol. I was going to work still drunk, having drinks from the bar on shift, and going straight back to drink after work again.
They obviously had a lot of problems in their marriage, and it should of been my first sign to leave but I love making bad choices.
Despite it being an often awkward situation while sitting quietly in between their arguments and long silences while mad at each other, it was going okay. They had friends over often, and so it was a nice way for a recluse such as myself to meet new people.
One day when I went over, their other brother Darren was there.
Darren had always given me bad feelings, and he wouldn't stop starring at me no matter how many times I asked. I tried not to let it bother me, and drank and tried to enjoy myself like always.
I drank, and I drank, until it was hard to even hold my head up.
Eric told me to take off my clothes, and let everyone see what I had on underneath, I refused and asked when Darren would be leaving, that I'd be perfectly fine undressing when he was gone.
Eric persisted, shay persisted, and Darren sat giving me the same stare. Eric ended up taking my clothes off of me, and I tried to cover myself with a blanket.
I remember them picking me up because I was too drunk to hold myself up to stand, let alone walk. They carried me to a mattress they had on the floor and began to have their way with me.
After a long grueling time, Shay put an end to it because she noticed they were slipping off their condoms, and apparently that wasn't part of the agreement.
They argued for a while, I cried on the floor.
I woke up that night around 5am and called my friends crying, telling then to come pick me up, and they did.
I know for people who have any amount of common sense, this would be the end of this story, anyone with half a brain would of never spoken to them again. But sadly I can't pride myself on my intelligence.
I kept going over, I kept drinking with them, and it did happen again.
Shay decided out of nowhere that she didn't want to see me anymore, and that Eric wasn't allowed to either. This was really upsetting to me at the time, and I didn't want things to end.
So I kept seeing Eric behind her back, he would come pick me up in his car, we would either drive around and smoke, or about twice we ended up in a park to have sex.
This is around the time I met my current boyfriend, I wanted to be transparent with since he had told me if I ever found someone, I should go for it and stop seeing him. So I told him I was going to hang out with Al, he ended up blowing up on me and I told him to fuck off, and I didn't speak to him again.
Until a few months later, he messaged me claiming I sent him a picture. One I had sent him, but while I was still with them both because I was at my old job in the picture. I asked him to leave me alone, and among many other nasty things, he told me to kill myself, and sent a sexually explicit photo of me when I had been with him to my current boyfriend Al.
I now have a restraining order, enough guilt, and regret, and shame to fuel my depression for a decade.
These things still come up and hurt my relationship now, Al knows everything that happened and is affected by a lot of it. I feel so guilty and ashamed that he ended up a part of that situation, and I feel even more guilty and ashamed that I was ever in this situation, and especially that I let any of this happen to myself. Why did I continue to see people who took advantage of me when I was drunk? Does that erase any bad feelings I'm allowed to have about it?
I think my whole life has been an embarrassing shit show. I don't leave home now, I don't really see anyone except my three friends and Al.
I have so many regrets in this life.
