FadedScarlet
Member
- Jun 9, 2020
- 6
Hey fam. Im borderline, epileptic, etc etc etc. Im so very tired of it all and if Im not fighting off seizure triggers all day, Im fighting my inner demons all with fibro, sciatica, and low blood sugar. I feel like God ran out of whatever ingredients were supposed to go into making me so he used the contents of a nearby trash can. Every 2 to 3 min I feel an extreme switch to different emotion whether I want to or not. Bouts of paranoid delusions and mania, going from intensely loving someone to being ready to call the company they work for and expose hypothetical sexual relationships I fear hes having behind my back. I hate bpd so much and wish that I was dead because I can nor will I ever know what its like to know who I am...I am a million different emotions and roles all separated into tiny little boxes, and depending on who Im around and how they are making me feel determines how I respond and what box I am in. To get out of a negative "box" or state of my borderline brain, I have to smoke bud, or blast my ears with loud music, or have the person I am triggered by literally hold me and look into my eyeballs and tell me they love me and and that its ok. I was 8 when I knew I was different and wanted to die, I felt uncomfortable around my father and didnt like him hugging me and didnt know why. I now know why, through EMDR. Bastard took me out of my crib at night and took me into the basement, more than once. Point is, Im fucked up and like the rest of you beautiful amazing true explorers of the human experience, Im tired of the toll that comes with hating yourself so much sometimes but staying here because what if, am I right. Being in constant emotional, physical, and neurological turmoil is as yall know...effing exhausting...and all you get for your silence is some pills thrown in your face like that hot dog meme where it smack her right on the face.... I mean, in my experience they never really wanna talk about that really dark shit that makes you scream in your sleep at night. Nooo they wanna ask you if you have a safety plan for the next time you wanna hurt yourself and then ask you if theres any guns near you...Come on man Ask me the serious questions like that one therapist who put the vibrating things in my hands, and why wont my insurance cover me to see her anymore. We are more human that human guys and I wish I could make a difference somewhere on this stupid planet before I probably just end up dying from lung cancer cause I smoke too much from anxiety lol the irony...or stupidity...either way...youre one of two kinds of people...The one taking the dump or the one under the one taking the dump...I dont know about you guys but looking at 3 thick forms from disability asking me to describe my day and why I cant work...,my first thought is they wont understand, Im gonna get denied, I should just make another plan to ktb. I dont know if I can ever feel happiness thats not been warped in some way by my disorder, its like even when I feel moments of happiness, its crushed to nonexistence by the master of doubts that sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear that I will never ever ever be enough and that he will cheat again, because Im unloveable. Moments of clarity and almost as horrifying as the daily dissociation I struggle with. I relive my daughter being abused by my ex bf every single day and the fact that I reported him and they arrested me and did nothing to him after talking to him, then released me, was the most dehumanizing experience. There I sat taking the fall for a crime that I reported and did not commit, I lost everything, I rarely get to see my daughter, missing all the small and big memories because the state of IL needed another client to add to the programs funded by the system. Every turn in this life has been nothing but abuse, rape, homelesness, confusion, and the emotional capability of a 5 yr old. Everything hurts and no matter how hard I try to fix my fuck ups, and say Im sorry until my voice gives out, it still wont be enough because EXPECTATIONS. Im sick of them and the hypocrisy its bathed in. Personally if hell is real, Id like a front row seat to show of the eternity just so I can watch those who have hurt me over and over and over again and then blame it on me, uh burn.....you have to say that last part in Fez's voice from 70s show, it doesnt work otherwise lol
