Help [+ venting] pretending: why can't I be honest?

[ecmnesia]

unconsciously I put on the mask. a happy smile, laughs, small talks, silly acts.

the doctor asks me how I've been and suddenly I feel so good, that for a moment, I can even believe that indeed I am. I've been wonderful lately, I reassure them, no tiredness, no suicidal thoughts, no hatred, no pain, no lack of motivation and meaning. I am almost as functional as a normal person now, they probably think. Yet, once alone, the masks fall. The real me lurks around the corner, containing effortlessly the void that spreads disease.

why can't I be real?

 

[shy]

I do it too, I can't help it. Admitting how you really feel to others is hard. It's easier to just lie, than it is to express one's true feelings.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's really hard to admit vulnerability and be honest. You can only do it if you trust someone. Maybe you don't trust the doctor?

 

[WhiteDespair]

It takes work to be honest. Try having one topic prepared beforehand on which you will be honest.

Part of it also seems like you're used to putting on the show for others. You'll need to realize when you're putting on a show and work to stop it.

You may also feel good in the moment. Is there something that is making you feel good at that time? If you're feeling good at that time you're being honest for that time. It sounds like the bad thoughts happen when you're alone. Maybe you can find a way to be around other people?

Honesty takes work. It is necessary for recovery. You can practice it here.

 

[timf]

There is a risk with honesty. Most people use a mask of superficiality in casual encounters as a way not to burden others with what they would prefer not to hear. It is important to have those with whom you can be open and trust enough to risk sharing with.

In the last century families have generally deteriorated such that many people now do not have any intimate connection for sharing their real identity. It can be difficult to carry the burdens of life alone.

 

[sighingspider]

unconsciously I put on the mask. a happy smile, laughs, small talks, silly acts.

the doctor asks me how I've been and suddenly I feel so good, that for a moment, I can even believe that indeed I am. I've been wonderful lately, I reassure them, no tiredness, no suicidal thoughts, no hatred, no pain, no lack of motivation and meaning. I am almost as functional as a normal person now, they probably think. Yet, once alone, the masks fall. The real me lurks around the corner, containing effortlessly the void that spreads disease.

why can't I be real?

I think it's because being fake gives us something that we can hide into. Gives a sense of belonging, making us feel normal. But the more normal we act, the more we get drawn away from the word "normal".

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I've been asking myself this question for a long time now. Even when I feel as if I am being open and honest, there is another layer of deception underneath. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to show the real me to anyone.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

In the last century families have generally deteriorated such that many people now do not have any intimate connection for sharing their real identity. It can be difficult to carry the burdens of life alone.

^^^^ This!