Spiked_Coffee
Who am I?
- Feb 14, 2023
- 39
I dont really know how to say it and what to say, i dont really know how to tell my story so everyone will feel it how i felt it, also i dont know if i feel it right and if i understand it. I am writing this because i just need it, maybe it will help me understand myself better and it will be a pleasure if someone will read it, like for real, because i feel really lonely most of the time, i just cant find friends that will have matching energy, so its hard to live, loneliness is a real hard thing causing lots of bad stuff and i really hope that i will find someone here, maybe that is why i am here, we will see how it will all go. I hope i will find some real or at least understanding friends here where we could share experiences, and hopefully help each other.
So hhhhm, where to start about "My Life". Everything started going real wrong when i was going to my last class at school and i had to study for my exams to go to uni after that. So i am sitting there first day reading those books everything good, i have a plan, i know how much to study everyday so i will be prepared, leets go! Next day comes something unexpected, my concentration and attention are so low that i just cant read those books, its not laziness or any of this stuff, i just couldnt, like my attention and concentration disappeared. "Ok, whatever, maybe i need to rest a day" - thought silly me but it didnt go after days, weeks, months. It was getting worse because od stress about exams. Also i started to lie to my parents that i study hard, that everything is ok, because i was use to it, it was always easier to lie, then to try to explain to them something you cant understand yourself. And that was the BIGGEST problem, i just didnt f*cking know what the hell is going all and it was very stresful, like if i knew that its depression or ADHD or some other disorder it would be much easier, because you at least know where you are aiming, in my situtation i didnt know and couldnt know and honestly i still dont know, but now i dont care, but we will come to this later, soooo ... there comes exam some of them i pass good some of them badly, Dad was really angry at me (he hates when i lie to him) but anyway i passed with my point to a medical university.
So now coming a little bit back in time, when i was little i loved computers and computer games, like i was fascinated with it. I just loved it, i dreamt about being a programmer and honestly i would be the happiest child in the world if someone saw this and got me a programming teacher ... but sadly noone did anything about this, but ok whatever. I had a somewhat of abusive dad, he wasnt like really abusive but he was screaming when i did something really bad (for example bad grades, didnt understand something that was simple for him and all that stuff) i am not sure of it but probably it made me a big psychological scar. Also he studied maths so he taught me and Oh god, was he bad at teaching, the problem was that when something was simple for him he thaught it is so for everyone and he screamed or was angry when i didnt understand something. Also with bad grades he screamed so i started lying to him probably from 2nd grade (dude i was like 6-7 years old at that time) and really i didnt care that he would scream and be even angrier than when i would told him the truth right away, this time where i just had time so he wouldnt hurt me was much more atractive. Honestly i wouldnt care about this or maybe i would but there comes one day when he is teaching me maths, some time before i told that i would love to be programmer or an IT guy, so back to maths i am doing something wrong and he gest angry as usual but this time he hurts screaming words :"how do you want to be a programmer if you are so bad at maths, you just cant!" and subconsciously i deleted this dream from myself like i just burried it somewhere in my mind, for what i hate myself that i couldnt reply to him with anything and him for what he said and for scars he gave me. Then he told "you should go to become a doctor, doctors are never jobless, earn much, ooh programmer, its really bad, probably not for you... blah blah blah". And the best "its all your choice, you should choose what you want" like go f*ck yourself, I SHOULD CHOOSE? like you gave me such a scar in my childhood instead of being understandable and giving me a chance or i dont know pushing me to my dream, destroying it in my mind and then "you have a choice" you destroyed me psychologically, i just cant choose, of course i chose this f*cking medical uni because what the f*ck would i else choose whith my broken Psyche, its really freaking hard to feel it through like i cant, it still hurts like it was a month ago though it was years ago (3-5 i think). Also addicted to porn and masturbation which is literally killing my soul (like for real guys porn and masturbation are bad, dont do it).
So now we are back at the Medical University. I hoped sooooooo muuuuuuuuch that my psychological problems would magically disappear and i will be able to study as a healthy person but of course thay didnt and boy was it a disaster, i had such a stress, So much anger, hate, sadness and much else blocked in me and i somehow have to go on to make myself study. I broke my phone, i was breaking my laptop, i didnt study because i couldnt i had always (and still to this day though i can cope with it now) a foggy mind and it all was going to a big fat crash. I came home on Christmas i think and my dad find my broken phone in my suitcase asking what is it, then stress kicked in, i knew that soone exams are coming and i am going to fail them because i didnt study at all, so i started screaming at him that i hate him, hate for everything, it was dumb screaming (also dont get me wrong he was trying his best for me, yes he was kinda abusive but he was still trying to care, to love as he could, he wasnt doing it purposely, no, he was just thinking its ok to do everything as he did). And i gave him, my mom, my family a big fat scar, though i didnt want this and i hate myself for it but i feel they deserved it. And then i was banished from home (lol i was 17 at that time looking for a job). And i kinda went with life for a half a year, we were talking regularly and as thing a little bit calmed down, he told me that i should go to Uni for my future at least, that he is still ready to help me no matter what i did. So i chose psychology, because i kinda liked though i dont like it now. I didnt choose programming because i was afraid i wouldnt be able to study because of my foggy mind and i didnt even give it a try what i am very pity about now.
Now i am on a third year of psychology and i dont know what i am doing here, just days going by and nothing changes, and i just dont know what will i do after Uni, i am still psychologically lost, tried to kill myself several times but SI always kicked in so suicide wont work for me happily or saddily, i dont know. I still hate my family, i still have foggy mind and i dont know what to do i feel lost,lonely, hateful, sad, like freaking everything mixed in one stuf but blocked, like closed and sometimes breaking of the cage smal piece by piece when cage is to full to hold it. I tried to learn programming but i am not motivated to it at all, i just feel like laying in bed and slowly dying day by day, because i cant kill myself anyway. Like waiting for some wonder which will never happen. I just sincerely hope that one happy sunny morning i will remember this all as one old nightmare that i had and hopefully everyone here will.
I am shocked that you read it to here and i am very very grateful to you for it, it really means much to me, because that was a long text, also i want to say that i didnt tell you everything of course so there is maybe much more to it, i think that maybe some things i didnt explain enough but i just wrote what i wrote because i just felt like telling you all this, because i needed to vent, because all of this was and is in me for so much years. Also they say that is good to tell someone about something to understand it better so it is also a reason.
P.S. i didnt revise all this text (mess) that i wrote so if something is not understandable then write it i will correct it.
Much love to you all
Hope you all find your happiness
So hhhhm, where to start about "My Life". Everything started going real wrong when i was going to my last class at school and i had to study for my exams to go to uni after that. So i am sitting there first day reading those books everything good, i have a plan, i know how much to study everyday so i will be prepared, leets go! Next day comes something unexpected, my concentration and attention are so low that i just cant read those books, its not laziness or any of this stuff, i just couldnt, like my attention and concentration disappeared. "Ok, whatever, maybe i need to rest a day" - thought silly me but it didnt go after days, weeks, months. It was getting worse because od stress about exams. Also i started to lie to my parents that i study hard, that everything is ok, because i was use to it, it was always easier to lie, then to try to explain to them something you cant understand yourself. And that was the BIGGEST problem, i just didnt f*cking know what the hell is going all and it was very stresful, like if i knew that its depression or ADHD or some other disorder it would be much easier, because you at least know where you are aiming, in my situtation i didnt know and couldnt know and honestly i still dont know, but now i dont care, but we will come to this later, soooo ... there comes exam some of them i pass good some of them badly, Dad was really angry at me (he hates when i lie to him) but anyway i passed with my point to a medical university.
So now coming a little bit back in time, when i was little i loved computers and computer games, like i was fascinated with it. I just loved it, i dreamt about being a programmer and honestly i would be the happiest child in the world if someone saw this and got me a programming teacher ... but sadly noone did anything about this, but ok whatever. I had a somewhat of abusive dad, he wasnt like really abusive but he was screaming when i did something really bad (for example bad grades, didnt understand something that was simple for him and all that stuff) i am not sure of it but probably it made me a big psychological scar. Also he studied maths so he taught me and Oh god, was he bad at teaching, the problem was that when something was simple for him he thaught it is so for everyone and he screamed or was angry when i didnt understand something. Also with bad grades he screamed so i started lying to him probably from 2nd grade (dude i was like 6-7 years old at that time) and really i didnt care that he would scream and be even angrier than when i would told him the truth right away, this time where i just had time so he wouldnt hurt me was much more atractive. Honestly i wouldnt care about this or maybe i would but there comes one day when he is teaching me maths, some time before i told that i would love to be programmer or an IT guy, so back to maths i am doing something wrong and he gest angry as usual but this time he hurts screaming words :"how do you want to be a programmer if you are so bad at maths, you just cant!" and subconsciously i deleted this dream from myself like i just burried it somewhere in my mind, for what i hate myself that i couldnt reply to him with anything and him for what he said and for scars he gave me. Then he told "you should go to become a doctor, doctors are never jobless, earn much, ooh programmer, its really bad, probably not for you... blah blah blah". And the best "its all your choice, you should choose what you want" like go f*ck yourself, I SHOULD CHOOSE? like you gave me such a scar in my childhood instead of being understandable and giving me a chance or i dont know pushing me to my dream, destroying it in my mind and then "you have a choice" you destroyed me psychologically, i just cant choose, of course i chose this f*cking medical uni because what the f*ck would i else choose whith my broken Psyche, its really freaking hard to feel it through like i cant, it still hurts like it was a month ago though it was years ago (3-5 i think). Also addicted to porn and masturbation which is literally killing my soul (like for real guys porn and masturbation are bad, dont do it).
So now we are back at the Medical University. I hoped sooooooo muuuuuuuuch that my psychological problems would magically disappear and i will be able to study as a healthy person but of course thay didnt and boy was it a disaster, i had such a stress, So much anger, hate, sadness and much else blocked in me and i somehow have to go on to make myself study. I broke my phone, i was breaking my laptop, i didnt study because i couldnt i had always (and still to this day though i can cope with it now) a foggy mind and it all was going to a big fat crash. I came home on Christmas i think and my dad find my broken phone in my suitcase asking what is it, then stress kicked in, i knew that soone exams are coming and i am going to fail them because i didnt study at all, so i started screaming at him that i hate him, hate for everything, it was dumb screaming (also dont get me wrong he was trying his best for me, yes he was kinda abusive but he was still trying to care, to love as he could, he wasnt doing it purposely, no, he was just thinking its ok to do everything as he did). And i gave him, my mom, my family a big fat scar, though i didnt want this and i hate myself for it but i feel they deserved it. And then i was banished from home (lol i was 17 at that time looking for a job). And i kinda went with life for a half a year, we were talking regularly and as thing a little bit calmed down, he told me that i should go to Uni for my future at least, that he is still ready to help me no matter what i did. So i chose psychology, because i kinda liked though i dont like it now. I didnt choose programming because i was afraid i wouldnt be able to study because of my foggy mind and i didnt even give it a try what i am very pity about now.
Now i am on a third year of psychology and i dont know what i am doing here, just days going by and nothing changes, and i just dont know what will i do after Uni, i am still psychologically lost, tried to kill myself several times but SI always kicked in so suicide wont work for me happily or saddily, i dont know. I still hate my family, i still have foggy mind and i dont know what to do i feel lost,lonely, hateful, sad, like freaking everything mixed in one stuf but blocked, like closed and sometimes breaking of the cage smal piece by piece when cage is to full to hold it. I tried to learn programming but i am not motivated to it at all, i just feel like laying in bed and slowly dying day by day, because i cant kill myself anyway. Like waiting for some wonder which will never happen. I just sincerely hope that one happy sunny morning i will remember this all as one old nightmare that i had and hopefully everyone here will.
I am shocked that you read it to here and i am very very grateful to you for it, it really means much to me, because that was a long text, also i want to say that i didnt tell you everything of course so there is maybe much more to it, i think that maybe some things i didnt explain enough but i just wrote what i wrote because i just felt like telling you all this, because i needed to vent, because all of this was and is in me for so much years. Also they say that is good to tell someone about something to understand it better so it is also a reason.
P.S. i didnt revise all this text (mess) that i wrote so if something is not understandable then write it i will correct it.
Much love to you all
Hope you all find your happiness
it's not too bad really. Just need to try a few and see what works. I hope you don't give up 
