Venting Venting (my first thread)

[CrimsonCreaker]

When i was very young, I was part of a friend group, made mostly of girls, then they kicked me out, i dont remember why exactly, as it has been over 10 years from that and my memory has been worsening with time, and then when i was like barely 5 or 6, I was part of a friend group, later that friend group abandoned me from one day to the next, no explaination, no reason, they just decided to kick me out, thankfully i had a friend that stayed with me for many years after that until the school year of 2020-2021, the pandemic hit and we were in virtual classes, there I met a new friend who has also stayed with me, I'll call this friend "Spook" I sadly don't have much to say as my memory retention is just abismal, but eventually in 2021, my 100 year old graunt passed away, I believe it was on the summer, then on the very next year, on September, my parents broke up and me and my sister were forced to stay with our father, because he is the one that provided money for the family, after that I managed to keep myself together for the remaining years until 2024 hit, on one week of the month of April I noticed my friend Spook chatting with someone online, for the remainder of the week I would catch glimpses of him chatting with someone on Discord and when I looked, he would Immediately close the window, then on Friday of that same week, I did something I knew I shouldn't have done, and I regret ever doing that, right after recess me and a mutual female friend of me and Spook got to the classroom earlier than anyone else, she knew the password of Spook's phone, and so she opened it so I could see the messages, again, I know that what I did was wrong, I know that I shouldn't have invaded his privacy like that, but I checked and saw those messages, he was dating someone, someone I had already talked to, then he came, things escalated he started to cry and I got detention on the Monday of the next week. To explain what happened next I need to explain that the person he was dating was someone that I had previously talked to, because after the repeated abandonments I've suffered, I began to act more possessive of my friends, and in the interaction I had with her (reminder this was before I knew they were dating) she told me she was 20 something years old, in what I could call the longest weekend of my life, I spent the Saturday and Sunday making a document, finding accounts, I even interviewed her one time, because in my mind: "if I expose her, people will be safe from her" "he (my friend) will thank me later for stopping that groomer" and then some friends of her threatened to dox me if I continued trying to expose her, things ended out fine thankfully, at least as fine as they could, he talked with the doxxers, promised them I would stop, and die assured me that they stopped dating, how idiotic and naive of me it was to trust him, eventually on the summer, I don't remember if it was on July or June, I saw how he was following an account of her that was made in the same month in the which I saw that account, so the account wasn't even 30 days old, and he was following it, I confronted him about it and he made up a bullshit excuse that I did not believe, then on August, near the end of the month he deleted his Discord account again I asked him about that through WhatsApp, and he sent me a very long text just telling me how horrible of a creature I am, how I made him lose friends because of the situation, how I made his life miserable, and I know he's right about me being horrible, then I decided to report her to the Cyber Tipline, he found out, and from what was August 29th to September 2nd (if my memory isn't failing me) he stopped and resumed being friends with me three times, the only way I can describe how it felt is like being waterboarded, feeling like you're about to die, only to be able to breathe again, just to suffer that again, since that traumatic experience on August and September I've been have eye twitches and (for the lack of a better word) "ticks" it's just weird, I don't know how to describe it, it's like when the doctor taps your leg and it moves on its own, but it's for a split seconds, initially they began when I remember somehting embarrassing or shameful, but since then they happen on a daily basis, they aren't so prevalent, it's just like my finger moving up and down slightly, or my head just tilting to the side slightly, Always fast and short. I just mentioned that so if anyone knows how to make them stop I would really appreciate it. Anyways, then after almost losing my friend three times I joined a Discord server in the which he was in, and I managed to find support in there, I managed to regain my breath even if it was for a split second, then somehow I managed to fuck things up… again. At the beginning of October, I had what ChatGPT described to me as (when I relayed the information to it) "a sign of paranoia, PTSD-related hypervigilance, or obsessive thinking" i convinced myself that a random ass person was actually the groomer and I tried to expose her again, the person that I thought was the groomer, was a friend of the discord server owner, and so I was banned, thankfully I had managed to make a friend before being banned from the server and she was of great support, I also managed to contact the groomer on October 5th and talked things out with her, I don't know if maybe I was vulnerable or she was at least 50% honest, but I chose to believe in her to try and calm myself down, then on late November something happened, she messaged me saying that she wanted to kill herself and stuff, and then when I asked she said she had a fight with my friend, I asked him and he told me it was something stupid and he would tell me later, the thing is (little pause here) that I had ended the things differently between them both, with him I ended things in "I don't accept your relationship, but I'll leave you alone" but with her I ended things with "Im not dating him anymore" and so when he told me the reason of their fight, (something really stupid) I discovered that indeed she had lied to me when she said that. Then on early December I lost my only emotional support (the friend I made before being banned from the server) which left me, really broken as the only person I could chat with about how I was feeling left, then Christmas and Christmas Eve, I couldn't even spend them in my aunt's house so I was unhappy, then January came and I asked the owner to be unbanned from the server as I had fixed things with the groomer (the which was also one of his friends) and so I was unbanned and at least more stable, then on early February I got banned again for accidentally pissing off a mod, but things turned out good in the end, then also on early February I had a breakdown, in the which after seeing my friends hang out without me on a Roblox game, I had self-harmful thoughts, then it went away, and now un top of everything now I can't trust in any of my friends and I have no one to talk to, I just feel suffocated by everything.

 

[timf]

You may have the type of personality that can be too intense for only a couple of close friends. You may want to cultivate more friendships so that things are more balanced. Sometimes cultivating an additional creative interest like art, music, or writing can also help distribute energy that might otherwise be overpowering to someone.